Making people happy or shutting people out

[warbler]

I wonder if anyone else struggles with this kind of thing;

I have a lovely family and a few nice friends but find one of the things that causes more anxiety attacks then anything else is making sure they are all happy. I put enormous pressure on myself to make sure I have spent enough time with each of them and that they are all ok. My dad is on his own after my mum died 13 years ago. I got married last year and am only truly happy when I'm with my husband. I have a niece and nephew and was once 'told off' my my sister in law for not going to see them for 3 weeks (the middle week of which they were actually on holiday)

The result of these circumstances leaves me exhausted. I have one day off in the week and ensure I spend time with my niece and nephew on that day; if not them then I see my dad. Weekends are dedicated to my lovely husband but then that leaves my dad on his own and makes me feel awful. If I don't hear from my family I instantly think I've done something to upset them. I get my head into such a pickle thinking what they might be thinking and when I do go to see them (they never visit me) I'm really tense and I think they just think I'm weird!! My dad calls once a week but since I've got married he's always saying he doesn't know when it's best to call despite me saying anytime is fine. It's always me that makes contact with them and it makes me feel like they don't really like me! I hardly ever see my friends these days as fitting them in is just impossible.

The whole thing is crazy and I know it's my issue not theirs. I had some cognitive therapy a couple of years ago but don't think the guy really understood where the stress was coming from. He said that my family probably just expected that I would be the one to make all the contact and that I should just sit back and not do all the running. But then I feel like they will just be offish with me and how will that help? The therapy was a bit of a disaster all told. The man just seemed to use text book speak from his psychology library and it all went over my head (and I'm getting grade one passes in my OU science degree so I should have been able to understand what he was saying!)

My solution is that I want to take my husband and our pets and move to the Outer Hebrides (I'm not kidding) My husband is thrilled because he loves the Western Isles and so it would be easy for him.

Does any one else struggle with a similar thing and what mechanisms did you use to deal with it. I really do drive myself nuts with it.

Warbler

[misterbean]

Hello Warbler

First, I don't know of any mechanisms to help you, not being a mechanic. Besides, it sounds like you've already had a taste of mechanical advice.

Seems to me that you have this gigantic tension between being 'dutiful' and doing what you want to do with whomesoever you want to do it with. One solution to your dilemma is to rip yourself from your family and spend your years with husband and pets in splendid isolation, a solution which I can understand the attractiveness of. Certainly that would solve the problem of being manipulated, bullied even, into chasing after everyone else and running yourself ragged in some attempt to keep peace and harmony, especially when, after all the running, you still feel unloved. But I get the idea that it isn't as simple as an either/or is it?

Is it just your issue? Are you the only candidate for craziness? What is different between now and before your Mother died? I'm sorry, those questions seem stark and presumptuous of me, they just jumped out.

So did the word 'guilt'.

Sorry again if this has been unhelpful. Take care of yourself.

Martin

[warbler]

Thanks for the reply Martin; things were 'normal' before mom died. Her and my nan were the family glue and it's not a role I can do. Things change so much when people die and there's nothing that can be done, I guess you just have to focus on what makes you happy now.
I am over reliant on my husband and he seems blissfully unaware, he's not a talker. He knows I was seeing the therapist. He works from home so he's around all the time and it's great on my days off to have him here with me. Today he's chosen to go to London when he could have gone tomorrow when I'm at work and I'm having a melt down. just can't cope with being in the house on my own

Warbler

[misterbean]

Thank you Warbler

When you speak of your Mom and Nan being the glue, and that nothing can be done, I think of the glued spine of a book (call it the 'Book of Normality)whose pages were not numbered, that has come unstuck, that all eyes turn to you (including your own) not just to be the glue, but to replace all the scattered pages in the correct order. An impossible task, of course.

Today. Well yes, you are physically alone, but you do have this site and people here, poor substitute though that might be to direct human contact.

Take care

Martin

[marie1974]

hi there, you are putting a whole lot of pressure on yourself to make everyone happy that you are forgetting about you. i do understand as i am the same really worrying about everyone and making myself stressed or ill but sometimes you have to just sit and say right i am going to do something for me and my husband because its what i want to do, it doesnt make us selfish, sometimes people struggle but they do manage if we not there and someone else will step in and life goes on so please that move sounds wonderful hehe i would go for it if it makes you both happy. everyone will still know you love them xxxxxxxxxx