It's strange how something can trigger memories which then move on from one to another.
Tonight I heard my fathers favourite music and I remembered how one evening I blew up with him. This was during my bad spell when I felt under alot of pressure and suicidal. I just snapped, swore at my father which was something I never did and I can still hear my father saying "I'll never forget that" before I broke down in tears feeling so ashamed at what I'd said. I just couldn't forgive myself. I got in the car, drove off in the dark into the countryside until I found a gate to a field. Stopped the car, got out and looked up at the stars with terrible thoughts I won't go into. I just didn't want to live. Eventually of course I felt I had to come home and there was the call from my mother asking if I was ok.
From that memory I moved on to when my father was dying and him offering me his things saying he wouldn't be needing them anymore and from that memory to visiting him with my mother in the hospice to the last time I held his hand in hospital the night before he died and then the funeral itself.
With every memory the hurt returns and my mind seems compelled to relive these memories like replaying a recording but the hurt lives on.
I miss him as much today as I did over 2 years go when we lost him. I just get on with each day and try not to dwell on these memories but sometimes they flood back.
I'm sure it's because now I have my mother to think of together with my caring role for my wife but that's no consolation because if I'm still around when I lose my mother, I'll feel I've nothing left.
I felt ashamed for swearing at my father and I feel ashamed for my weaknesses I still have. I know some of you will tell me not to beat myself up but maybe I'm not as strong as I appear. Some days the tears still flow when I think of what I've lost or may never have again.
My mother often says it's the loved ones left behind who suffer which is true but then as she also says, we just have to get on with it which is also true! We have to find enjoyment in life because life is for the living.
Life is too short for upsets, arguments, hurts and pains. Life should be about caring, supporting and loving and yet, when life feels full of hurt I sometimes wonder if my father or I are in the happier place.
The one thing that keeps me going is trying to contribute to make others lives happier but if I instead cause hurt, arguments or upsets then I wonder why am I here? My father was a better man than I'll ever be and he contributed so much more to my mother, the living and all who knew him! He was priceless and like my mother, I hope one day when there's nothing left, we'll all be together again because with them I'll feel happier and home, and the hurt will end but until then I'll carry on coping and surviving.
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, we all beat ourselves up over stuff but we are just wasting life day by day weeke by week we are just exisiting not living, we are worth alot more than that bill, so smile 
stop giving yourself a hard time and try thinkning more positive honey cos we all think you are a diamond here and one of the good ones
hope that didnt seem to harsh bill, just caring about you and want you positive and smiling. i am determined to have a good week too
lets smile together xxxxxxxxx
