The moment of truth

[Christine888]

Hello,

I don't know where to begin? My name is Christine and I'm 37. I feel as if I have been hit in the gut after coming here, and I want to cry.

The first time I can remember worrying about something was when I was about 12. I started hearing about this thing called AIDS. People were saying you could catch it from touching something that had been touched by someone with it !!! I wasn't even sexually active untill I was 20, but still...
I was convinced I had it, or would get it from a very early age.

Somehow I overcame my fear about AIDS but I replaced it with something else. Have lead what I would call a semi normal life, but now that I have found this place, and read your stories and conversations, I realize that my life has been angst ridden and full of emotions and worries that a lot of people couldn't begin to imagine...except you, the people on this site.

I have been searching for something... answers or at least something that would explain why I go through the phases that I do. I have felt for a long time that something just isn't right, and I am at the point of what feels like insanity. This time I am worried about something, but I am also depressed, and it just won't let go.

About two weeks ago I was attacked on my way home one evening. I had been enjoying myself, and was stopped by someone who tried to strike up a conversation. I was in a hurry but the person grabbed me and tried to pull me into an alley. The person wouldn't let me go, and then started to try and kiss me. By some miracle I managed to get away but only after pretending that I was playing along. I ended up distracting the person to a certain point and then I kicked that person in a very "special place". I ran and ran, and managed to get away but now I feel guilty.

I am married, and I share my life with the most fantastic man. He is away a lot, and this can be very lonely at times. I have loving parents, great friends and a lot to be happy about, but sometimes I lose sight of that and cover myself in this blanket of worry, paranoia and angst.

Once during my marrige have I made a mistake. I ended up in a tricky situation with another man whilst VERY drunk. Won't the defend the fact that I was drunk, except to say that I had gone through a very difficult time due to almost losing my mother to cancer. I have learnt that there are certain times in my life when I just can't touch alcohol, and my husband knows about the situation with the other man, and he has forgiven me. Some people might not say that I was unfaithful in that situation, but I feel as if I was... my heart was for a few brief minutes.

Fast forward to now, and the attack. Suddenly it's not about being happy that I got out of that situation, but it's about the fact that I had drunk alcohol on that evening. I remember every detail, but I still worry that I might have blanked out things. I worry that I was in fact raped, and that the person gave me every illness in the book. A woman knows when certain parts have been tampered with, and I know that the worst case didn't happen, BUT it's as if my worry becomes the truth. Does that make sense ?? I should be so happy and glad that I got away, but I worry that one drop of saliva from the guy when he tried kissing has infected me with something, even if he never did kiss me on the mouth.

As I wrote initially... I want to cry. The feeling of worry is all too familiar and I am so fed up with it. I just want to enjoy my life, my husband... everything. My husband knows about the attack, and it has been reported to the police, but still... I can't seem to be glad that I got away, and that I have nothing to worry about. It's as if I HAVE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING !!!

Sorry do go on and on, but this has opened a can of worms and I want to help myself and stop this.

Thank you for reading
Christine

[kellie]

hiya christine to nmp its lovely to have you here . big big hugs to you hun you have gone through a lot and you will get lots of support/advice and reasurance from all the great members who are here. anxitey is excellent at turning everything into a negative. you where very lucky to get away from that man hun and thank god that you did. im sure he did not rape you as even if you were drunk you were sober enough to know you was in danger and you got away. if he had of raped you you would have deffo remembered it, so plz try to put that though in the bin where it belongs. have you ever talked to ur doc about cbt theropy ? it has been know to be very effective to help ppl change there negative thinking.
love and happiness
take care

kellie.xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Christine888]

Hello there Kellie,

Thanks for the hugs... I really needed them !!!! Feeling quite down at the moment.

I haven't talked to my doc yet and I'm not sure if I dare to. It's all a long story but my life has been a bit of a mess in recent years. Both my parents have battled and survived cancer in the last 6 years. I am an only child and have gone through it with them, almost taking on the part of their mother. I hardly caught my breath from my father being ill before my mother was diagnosed. I have had a few thoughts about telling everything on this site because I am worried that people might think that I am joking. In addition to my parents being ill, I also ended up in a bad car crash a couple of years ago. Had some bad injuries and ended up being scared of driving. When I talked to my doctor about it, and the fact that I was worn out from the emotional stress she said that I was strong and that I would GET OVER IT. I asked her about therapy she said I was tough and could deal with it by myself. I ended up battling along for a few months and then a small issue triggered a really bad panic attack. I thought I was going to die and ended up being referred to a clinic the next day. I went in for therapy a few times and ended up driving again, BUT it was just the tip of the iceberg...wasn't it.
It is just becoming too much. I want a break, and I realize that I have some valid reasons for my anxiety. I also know that I should bin my worries about the rape thing, and I remember every detail from that night... like unlocking my door, letting myself in etc etc. I KNOW nothing happened but my mind is playing games with me, and whilst writing this I know that. Still, I can't stop thinking about the worst case scenario, and the WHAT IF's.
I'm thinking that I should find myself another doctor who is willing to listen to me. I feel like a menace when I see the one I have, and she just doesn't have the time.
Thank you so much Kellie, and I already feel a little better since coming here.

[chalky]

Hi Christine,

Welcome to the Forum.



You will get loads of support and advice here.
Best wishes,
Chalky

[milly jones]

hi christine,

i can identify with ur situation hun.

please use nmp as a tool to moving forward.

kellie is right u need to see ur gp to get some help too.

meanwhile everyone at nmp will support and help as much as we can,

its a brill place here,

milly xx

[Lilith1980]

Hi Christine

Welcome to NMP

Jo xxxxx

[Christine888]

Hello everyone,

Would like to thank you for your answers and welcoming messages. I am having a better day today and feel very releaved to have found this page. I feel as though a lot of things are clicking into place, and I will certainly see my doctor or another one, so that I can start the steps needed to move on with my life and find some peace.

I will most probably be coming here a lot, and I thank you for your advice so far. I have had a lot of weird symptoms for a long time. Have thought i've been seriously ill a lot of times, but after reading about different symptoms mentioned here, I realize how anxious I have been and how it has affected me.

Thank you so much and god bless

[Lindalou64]

Hello Christine And Welcome .im Sorry To Hear What Ya Been Thru...i Do Wish You Well.....linda