Hi--I found this site while looking online about panick attacks. I am a 54 yr old female. I started getting panick attacks about 12-13 yrs ago. When they first started happening I thought I was going crazy. Before I had them, I had a lot of pain in my back, herniated disks etc. and suffered from lack of sleep for about 6 mths. I also had depression due to a bad marriage and being a single parent to my two sons. I also witnessed many childhood abuses and both parents were alcoholics, in fact most of the people in my life were alcoholics, so there wasnt much of a support system in place in my life. I do not drink or do drugs or smoke.
The onset was fast and happened suddenly while driving in a car with my ex husband. My panick attacks progressed to the point of having maybe 3 a day----it carrried over into all parts of my life, I was scared to go on buses, cars, over bridges, out when it was dark, I could not even close the door of the bathroom or close the shower curtain--I ended up having severe claustrophobia with the panick.....everything scared me, even eventually going to sleep scared me....I was such a mess------I was diagnosed with panick attack disorder. I thought I was in Hell and trapped there forever. No one understood me either--its hard to explain to people, that have never had or experienced panick attacks.
Finally my Dr. told me of a panick attack clinic at UBC. It was free. so I decided to go, and what an ordeal to get there. I had to take the bus cause I didnt have a car, but I was terrified on the bus, so I would get off and on the bus, panicking all over the city trying to get there. It was hot outside and that made me feel worse-----My Dr. had given me some valium that I would take in small dosages to help me stay calm--this didnt help me much trying to get to my first appt. Finally I got to the University Hospital where my appt was---as soon as went thru the doors, I was terrified, severe claustrophobia--oh yes I also feared Dr's offices, and hospitals. I was breathing heavy as I walked down the hallway-------I made it to the receptionist and felt panicky waiting for my appt. When I was called into the room, and therapost closed the door, I thought the room was closing in on me------i was in a bad way for sure---I kept taking small amts of valium just to be able to sit in the room, and even that was hard--but I made it.
I went to therapy, one-on- one for several weeks. I found out that one can recover from panick disorder. I had to do a series of things each week, starting with facing my fears, from the lowest level to the highest level of fear. It was very hard work, but I was at my rock bottom and I had to do it no matter what. The first thing I had to do was practice laying in bed an covering my head with the blanket--that was so hard, I would do it for ten seconds then longer, next I had to sit in a closet and close the door, stay in there for 5 minutes--boy was that hard---each thing I had to do was for one week....one week I had to go downtown and ride the elvevators for one hr--oh my that was so hard, but I did it............needless to say, after about 6mth to one year I was about 98 percent recovered. I went on to start my own business and also take ballroom dance lessons. I was able to go on elevators, buses, cars and be in enclosed rooms, sometimes a few places would make me uncomfortable but I was ok.
In 2003 I fell down some stairs and had a full blown panick attack when I landed---I was alright for several mths after that, although I was crippled and couldnt walk and went into a bad depression. I finally started going to therapy for walking and built myself up and was able to walk again. Then I started having panick attack issues again---I was in Mall one day and the fire alarm went off and everyone starting running and I totally freaked out----I could not get home for 6 hrs after that, I was scared to take the bus, to take a cab, I felt like I was from another planet--it was horrible. I tried calling everywhere for help but no one helped me---so I decided to give myself small amounts of valiam, to stop the catrostrophic thoughts--they took over my brain for about one week--it was summer and very very hot out--I was scared of the heat. So I decided to lay out in the sun each day so I would see that the heat could not hurt me--this helped very much. I slowly started to recover from the panicking, it took about a mth. I also went back to the panick attack clinic for a brusher up...this seemed to help. The Dr. said it was ok for me to take small doses of valium from time to time to keep me calm--this seems to really help.
Recently I have had to put my Mom in home against her will--she now hates me---told me horrible things etc. I had to go to the hospital to see her social work who was on the 5th floor. I could not go into the elevator, so decided to take the stairwell, one flight at a time------I get panicky in stairwells at times--well by the time I got to the third floor I was panicky---I continued to the 4th flloor and there was no door---that did it ---I freaked right out thinnking I was stuck in the stairwell all alone---all I could do was continue upward----I made it to the 5th floor, and there was no one on the floor--------i was fully panicking now---------I found the social worker, and told him of my ordeal, he gave me water and I barely made it thru the meeting------he walked me down the stairwell and outside--I was so glad to get outside. Now since that I have relapsed into panick----mostly on buses. It has not yet carried over into all aspects of my life but I fear it will. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist to talk, and my Dr. refused to give me valiam to help keep me calm. I have only a few left. She is a different Dr. then the one, I had before. So I am searching for any information I can to help me. I am trying to face my fears, even went back in a stairwell, which was soooo hard to do. I have to take the buses 6 days a week, and finally just quit my job, cause I can't go on them much now. So that is my story. Panick is hard, and I know it's catrostrophic thinking etc. but its hard when that is where you are at etc. But I do know now, what I didnt know originally, that you can recover from it......and that highly creative people get them, so that makes me feel better. I am waiting for my appts. and I hope to find a good therapist now.
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to nmp its lovely to have you here 
. you will get lots of support/advice/reasurance and make some great friends along the way. you are dealing with so much in your life at the moment so its no suprise that you are feeling the way you do. we will all try to help you as much as we can so keep posting about what ever is on your mind.
