Panic out of the blue, but it did me good in some ways.

[thevoicewithinme]

Yesterday, during the day, I went to the local shop (with someone with me) and felt absolutely great I was really feeling pleased with myself as I didn't even think twice about going and didn't have any feelings of anxiety at all.

The rest of the day passed just as well, and last night my bf asked me to go to the shop and get something for him. My 20 year old son came with me and we set off in the car. Fine no problem...but as I pulled up outside the shop a wave of fear came from nowhere, and I must admit I did start the car engine again and said to my son that I couldn't do it....but then I thought sod it...I am here now.

I went into the shop, feeling quite edgey but telling myself I did it earlier and have done it before and have coped. I got to the checkout and there were two people in front of me...no problem I can do this! The woman in front was being served and must of wanted to pay every single bill going on those paypoint things. By this time I am moving from one foot to the other, panic is building, but I still tell myself I am fine. Finally she finishes, thank god, pays her bill...now its my turn. I hand over the goods then bam.....I want to run out of the shop, I can't see properly, my breathing is all over the place and talk about shake. I couldn't even tell you how much I spent in there, I just put my card in the machine, punched in the number and walked outside, thinking I would be ok by then....god I was wrong.

Once outside the shop, I started to feel faint, the sheer terror and wanting to run and feeling stranded was awful...I knew I couldn't drive like this and I could see the concern on my 20 year old sons face, because he has never seen me this bad before...in fact since the return of my panic attacks I haven't had one this bad. I managed to get into the car, started the engine, opened the window, put the blowers on then felt trapped in my car, so had to get out. I phoned my bf, and pleaded with him for help..asked him to come get me, which I don't think he was too happy about...but that is partly because the three youngest children were at home with him and two of them were in bed. I then phoned his sister, who has been a great help to me, and within less than 5 minutes she was there. She got me my bottle of water out of my car (which in my panic I had forgotten about), told me to stand on the pavement rather than the roadside of my car which I was doing (see my head had gone completely) and stood there talking to me and I have to admit I could feel the panic starting to subside. After a while my son said that my boyfriend was walking up the road. When he got there he told me to get in the car and then (in what I think was an annoyed mood) he drove me home, without saying a word to me....and being as sensitive as I am, I knew he was annoyed...which made me start feeling really guilty.

We got home, and by then I was feeling fine but very very tearful. He said give us a kiss, which I did and I told him I was sorry. He then went back into the garden to carry on with what he had been doing. I then, in the comfort of my home broke down in tears and as usual I was so bloody annoyed with myself. I just don't know where this panic attack came from.

An hour later my boyfriend said to me, that me and him were going to drive to the local shop, me driving, I told him ok, but I am not going to go into it...he said fine. We got to the shop, and he said stop a minute and took some change out of his pocket, he then said to me to run in and get him a pack of mints...ok here goes the knot in my stomach..but I did it Then driving back, he told me to stop the car about two streets away from where we live and started to get out...I asked him where he was going..he said he was walking home and I was to drive.....oh god...I havent driven the car by myself for nearly 4 months now.....but again I did it

I know my boyfriend so doesn't understand this panic and agoraphobia that I have, and I also know that's why he can get annoyed with me at times, but in his own way last night, he did me a favour. I know for a fact that if he hadn't made me drive back there again last night, then I wouldn't do it again...it would become one of those places that I start to avoid.

Today, I am determined to go back to the shop again, with my boyfriends sister, just to prove to myself that I can still do it.

I guess in a strange way, that big panic attack that I had last night, did me some good??

Sorry to waffle on...but think I am trying to ask for reassurance in some way or other.

Kaz

[mandie]

Hi Kaz

Just wanted to say well done for going to the shop yesterday and for sticking it out in shop even though u were having an attack

Also to go back out again after having that big attack was brilliant and u shoud be so pleased with yourself

It is always best to go back to where the attack happened and to face the fear.

I am going through similar with work and although i would love to stay away i have come back and am trying to face my fear.

love mandie x

[never2late]

Good for you, Kaz. Give it a good once-over and let "it" know whos boss (literally).

There are times when I feel like I've really had it and do not have the time or patience for any type of anxious or panic feelings. I let it know, literally, to "get lost and hit the road" and that I'm not playing around with it right now -- and, much to my own amazement, like a little kid, it goes away and leaves me alone.

Strange, strange stuff going on inside our heads, that's for sure.

[Pink Panic]

Hi

Well done for giving the anx a good old kick up the backside.

Well done also for putting yourself back out there and facing the fear.

Pink
xxx

[Cathy V]

I sometimes do that too...i get so angry that yet another day will be ruined because of 'it' that sometimes i find myself shouting at it, sort of "just clear off and leave me alone, ive had just about enough!!' At these times I somehow find the strength to stand up to it and it works, but why this is only sometimes i don't know, and why on other days i find myself cowering in a heap, while 'it' takes the controls again!

Cathy xxx

[thevoicewithinme]

I do that too...like today, I have been back to the shop, felt fine when I left home, fine when I got in the shop, but walked up the aisle and felt that oh so familiar knot of fear in my stomach, then the tunnel vision and wanting to get out as quick as possible. I was telling myself to stop being so stupid, that I was going to be fine, and I was...and in total I managed to stay out away from home for about 20 minutes, but the whole time today I had that horrible feeling of fear and the shaking, not as bad as last night though.

[Liverbird67]

Well done, I don't think I could of done that (well I don't drive for a start), I think sometimes hun we are making good progress and the bogey man appears out of nowhere just to remind us that we are not going to get better, but we do, its a slow process sometimes and not an easy road but things slowly get better, well done for sorting this out head on thats fab, keep up the good work
corner shop today mall tomorrow who knows, just remember before you go to sleep, focus on what you have done today and think I might just beat this tomorrow, or the next day or the next.
The only thing I find puzzling is you look forward to the day you are cured or a lot better as expecting a revelation ie something dramatic will happen there will be a sign from your god etc but it is not so, I lay in bed thinking well today I went to Liverpool on the train went into x shops got something to eat and came home again

Once again well done

Debbie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[charmain24]

well done for going back and facing your fear.im trying my hardest to face my fear. It was like the other day i was fine. we needed some baby milk from the supermarket i told my husband to wait in the car while me and my 5 year old son run in and get it i was fine then all off a sudden i got the blurry vision felt like the floor was moving i started getting very dizzy i grabbed out of my son for my life.i just went all light headed i managed to wait in the queue i dow know how i did it. when it came to going in the next day i felt very anxious and panicky kept thinking it was all going to happen again.