Not sure what to do...nervous wreck

[FreeFalling]

Hello...I'm embarrassed to even post this . I'm so very confused, sad, ashamed ,scared...and I don't know what to do anymore.

As some of you know I've been in a controlling and abusive relationship.
I made the decision last week to leave. So I did.
During this time my bf tracked me down and came to the house I was staying several times ( I hid ) and he called I don't even know how many times ( I didn't answer )...until yesterday .

I got weak. It was exactly what I was afraid would happen eventually...that he would wear me down...or that I would let him wear me down. It's my fault that I answered the phone.

I want so badly to give him the benefit of the doubt...but would I just be setting myself up again for more abuse ?

He shared some things with me that he hasn't before regarding his anger issues.
Then again...he's been very manipulative in the past.
He's made promises before, only to break them.

I've come this far in actually leaving and staying away for over a week and not speaking with him.
I know that might not seem like much to some of you, but it's a huge step for me. I haven't been gone longer than two days and that was still with speaking to him.

My son is graduating from High School tomorrow and my bf is using that as one reason to want to be there...and he's also using my birthday as another reason to see me.

My son doesn't like him...and I really don't give a damn about my birthday...I know I'm old and I don't feel like celebrating anyway.

Of course my bf is saying all the right things ( now )...and he's even crying...which he hasn't done that before. I don't know if it's sincere or if it's just him manipulating me again.

I'm so torn...I'm scared to make the wrong decision.

Part of me still loves him...but there is a part of me that wonders if I'm just too sick to get out of this because I have such low self esteem and I just think that I don't deserve any better.

Sorry to be such a pain about this...I hope I can move on soon...but right now...I feel pretty weak if I'm completely honest.

I'm trying so hard to stay strong...

Thanks for your patience and understanding

~Rebecca

[SueBee]

Hi Rebecca,

Do you think you'd be posting here if you were sure of his motives? NO!

You have to ask what he has to offer you .......... a couple of weeks of love and normality maybe and then back into the abuse?

Personally (I might be wrong!) I think you've made the right decision to leave........... surely its better to be sure of your future than to be treading on eggshells for evermore?!!

[FreeFalling]

Hi Sue,

You bring up very valid points...I'm feeling weak & torn...and I guess just not seeing straight anymore...brainwashing comes to mind...no pun intended.

I appreciate your input...it helps.

Thanks so much xxx,

~Rebecca

[Cathy V]

Without the wish to contribute to another long thread about this, i'm a little upset that you appear now to be on the brink of completely ignoring all the good advise youve had from us on here....women who have been in the same situation and have managed to get away...and STAY away. Or women who are living with abuse every day and CANNOT get away like you did...you did it so what happened? But hey, if you want to go back to him and listen to all take abusive again, go against your own son to be with this abuser then do it, go back. What is it that you want us to say to you after all of this? you want us to send you lots of these... and say that we'll support you while he abuses you again? and you know he will...and we know he will and your son knows he will.

I know that i could have ignored this thread, but i was one of the ppl who sent you a message of support when you left him. Did you ignore all those messages we sent to you? i've lived in a refuge with women who went back time and time again to these men and you already know the pattern so please don't insult us with this c..p! Heres what we all know, you included..HE WILL DO IT AGAIN....that message clear enough? But the message you want to give all the young girls on nmp who have been following your posts is 'hey girls, its ok to take the abuse, you're crazy about him so its ok, and he ALWAYS says he's sorry so that makes it ok...right?'

And i'm sorry if this has 'upset' anyone on nmp or if i get banned for it, but ive had my say and i will not contribute any more to this thread, i won't get into any further debates about it after this. Take it or leave it, sorry.

Cathy.

[FreeFalling]

well thank you cathey for allowing me to come to a place I thought I could openly speak about my feelings.

I'm sure you were always one tough woman and never had a weak moment.


I was simply sharing my feelings....

You say you were an abused woman....well now you've turned into an abusive woman.

[Cathy V]

Not nice and not fair. Of course i have my weaknesses (and believe it or not a good side too, but i'm just not very hearts and flowers about this subject. I lived with abuse for many years without a way out. You have a way out, and if you love your son please take it.

[FreeFalling]

you are the one that is not fair !

you are making assumptions...I don't have a place to stay first of all.

I will be moving into a shelter...ok.....I can't stay at my friends house anymore...times over.

my son is 18 and is off to College...he doesn't live with me
get the story right before you rip me another a-hole for no reason.

[marie1974]

hiya im sorry u feeling so sad hun, i think deep down u have the answers and im sure your hubby is sorry for the moment and wants u back but i think if he trully sorry then he should prove himself to u by getting help for his anger and showing u he wants to change rather than just telling u. you are doing well and i know its hard cos u love him to not fall for his charms and tears but be strong hun and tell him he needs to show u he changing cos he wants to b a better person. hugs to u and i hope u feel better xxx

[kazzie]

Hi

I was once in an abusive relationship

I would get bunches of red roses and apologies after every beating

Its not easy to break away I know

But you must do it.....they never change

Kaz x x x

[FreeFalling]

Thanks, I was just looking for a safe place to come and talk about this. I wasn't looking for hugs or flowers ...

for the women that have been through this and do have empathy,
thank you.

I will be moving into a shelter this weekend..on Saturday.

Until I get enough money saved up to rent an apartment.

Thanks again for your encouragement.

~Rebecca