This is a bit much

[belleville]

Hiya,

This is a bit like those "team building" times at work where you have to stand up and talk about yourself in front of the room, isn't it? I always dry up doing those, even though I've got a lot to talk about. It's doubly silly when you know that I present radio shows regularly. Oh well!

I'm not being funny, but I'd rather not put my name because I live in a really small place and currently work in a fairly small industry where everyone knows everyone and I'm a bit scared that someone will Google this up at some distant point in the future and find me worrying on here. (I'm more than happy to tell anyone who sends me a private message, though.) That said, I'm male, in my early twenties and live somewhere north of Birmingham. (Again, deliberate vagueness, but I'd be happy to tell someone privately.) I found this site the other day while Googling for breathing exercises that might ease the really tight chest I've had for days. Didn't find any, but I did find the forums interesting to read.

I've been an anxious thing since I can remember, really. I was never particularly happy at primary or secondary school, although I didn't tend to worry unduly about exams. A few years ago, during A-levels, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with moderate depression, sent off with some pills and that was the end of that. But things are just going from bad to worse of late. Even though I'm not scared of leaving the house, I love to travel and see new places, I'm really scared of being in places with loads of people. I used to work right in the centre of Manchester and go out a lot there, but about nine months ago suddenly stopped being able to cope with the noise and crowds and always felt like everyone there was young and fashionable and looking down at me. My rational side says that's b*****ks, but I find it hard to take notice of my rational side sometimes. I haven't been into a city centre since last October.

The news is one of the things that really gets to me, which is silly since I'm a journalist. I keep switching on the radio (obviously) and hearing all about how the banks are in trouble and are going to start calling in money from us all, then I drive past a petrol station and see how it's gone up 5p in the past week, and I wonder how I'm meant to survive for the rest of my life. I'm in a skilled graduate-level profession, but I'm not paid much, and I'm forever worrying about the future. I feel like such a fraud sometimes; I guess low self-esteem means I'm always worried about being found out and that people will see that I'm actually really rubbish at what I do and sack me.

I've not actually written much about my anxiety here, have I? I've waffled on about other rubbish. I always do that. I seem to remember when I went to counselling for a few months at university, I spent a lot of time talking about other rubbish. I'll just say that panic attacks, which I haven't had since I was doing A-levels a few years ago, have recently made an unwelcome return, I'm sitting with a tight chest and finding it hard to breathe for a lot of the time, I physically go cold and shaky when I see the postman trundling down the road in case he's got some bad news (when was the last time you had anything good in the post? It's just bills and banks wanting things off you) and I just can't see where I'm meant to go from here. I hope this isn't too long and doesn't drop off the front page with no replies

[marie1974]

hi and welcome you will find loads of help and support here and make new friends too. we are all lovely here hugs xxxxxxxxxxx

[belle]

Hi and welcome

You've not 'waffled on about rubbish'. I'm sure you'll find some useful advice here on coping with PA's.

x

[mico]

In some ways you sound a lot like myself. I rarely visit these days but I've been on this site for years and I still like to carefully guard my anonymity for the same reasons as yourself.

And no, you haven't talked much about anxiety, but what you say is still quite telling. Again, like me, it seems you've always had a certain sensitivity to your surroundings. You also sound like you may have a touch of social anxiety too (I couldn't possibly say but it may be worth looking up to see what you think) judging by your apparent lack of self-esteem and subsequent avoidance of socially dense situations with the fear of being judged.

Obviously you want to sort out your panic attacks and general anxiety, and you'll get lots of good advice for that here but I'd suggest identifying and working on some of the underlying causes of your social problems too.

Welcome.

[befuddled1]

always felt like everyone there was young and fashionable and looking down at me. My rational side says that's b*****ks, but I find it hard to take notice of my rational side sometimes.
I feel like such a fraud sometimes; I guess low self-esteem means I'm always worried about being found out and that people will see that I'm actually really rubbish at what I do and sack me.
I've not actually written much about my anxiety here, have I? I've waffled on about other rubbish. I always do that. I seem to remember when I went to counselling for a few months at university, I spent a lot of time talking about other rubbish. . I hope this isn't too long and doesn't drop off the front page with no replies

Hi belleville
Interesting post, not too long at all. I relate to some of what you've said (see above). Sounds like you worry pretty far into the future from what you said about the concerns you have about what you hear on the news. I get affected by the news but usually when it's about going to war/ nuclear weapons and such. Sometimes I have deliberately avoided it because I know it won't do me any good.
I've been having weekly counselling since October and it's helpful but I don't know what I talk about, but it generally doesn't seem to be about the daily anxieties that need addressing. Which is just ridiculous I know!! But that's how I control anxiety by putting it away whenever I don't feel it, if you know what I mean. Am socially anxious, anxious about death and have also been of an anxious nature as long as I can remember. Am lucky in that I have never had a panic attack, but have recently begun with health anxiety (thought I'd try it just for fun! ) and can see the possibility of it happening, but I absolutely will not let it. Am currently training as healthcare professional and throughout my course have been worried that am going to be discovered as a complete fraud, who clearly isn't competent and shouldn't be there at all. But like you said, it's low self-esteem right. It's not that I'm rubbish it's just that I think I am (at least I hope that's it!)
Welcome to nmp. Only been here about a week but getting on ok so far.
Hope tight chest is 'loosening'.
Now I'm worried I've blabbered on too long
Maybe I shouldn't post this. No I will.
Beth

[befuddled1]

Obviously you want to sort out your panic attacks and general anxiety, and you'll get lots of good advice for that here but I'd suggest identifying and working on some of the underlying causes of your social problems too.

I second that (and I should also apply it to myself.)
Like your signature mico.

[Lindalou64]

Hello Belleville And Welcome..i Wish Ya Well......linda

[freakedout]

Hi Belleville

Welcome to nmp. Yes there is loads of information and useful tips on this site and some fandabbydozy people.



Take care anyway, and welcome!
Freaky

[belleville]

Hi belleville
Interesting post, not too long at all. I relate to some of what you've said (see above). Sounds like you worry pretty far into the future from what you said about the concerns you have about what you hear on the news. I get affected by the news but usually when it's about going to war/ nuclear weapons and such. Sometimes I have deliberately avoided it because I know it won't do me any good.
I've been having weekly counselling since October and it's helpful but I don't know what I talk about, but it generally doesn't seem to be about the daily anxieties that need addressing. Which is just ridiculous I know!! But that's how I control anxiety by putting it away whenever I don't feel it, if you know what I mean. Am socially anxious, anxious about death and have also been of an anxious nature as long as I can remember. Am lucky in that I have never had a panic attack, but have recently begun with health anxiety (thought I'd try it just for fun! ) and can see the possibility of it happening, but I absolutely will not let it. Am currently training as healthcare professional and throughout my course have been worried that am going to be discovered as a complete fraud, who clearly isn't competent and shouldn't be there at all. But like you said, it's low self-esteem right. It's not that I'm rubbish it's just that I think I am (at least I hope that's it!)
Welcome to nmp. Only been here about a week but getting on ok so far.
Hope tight chest is 'loosening'.
Now I'm worried I've blabbered on too long
Maybe I shouldn't post this. No I will.
Beth

I never deliberately put the news on at home anymore. Obviously, I have to deal with it all day because it's my job, but I don't want my TV giving me a daily digest of who's had something horrible done to them in which town in the region for half an hour each night. Eww.

I really feel like I'm wasting my life away. I spent three years at university and untold amounts of money training to be a journalist. By the third year, I could see friends already in the business struggling financially and lost a lot of my motivation. I don't really want to put up how much I'm paid obviously, but I can say that the average salary for a journalist on a small to medium local radio station is about £11-13,000. On a newspaper, it's similar, perhaps slightly higher. I'm looking at a career change, but what I want to do would require another year's study and probably an expensive relocation to another town. I did find university an incredibly pointless endeavour, to be honest.

As for the social side of things, I struggle to see the point. Because I'm in my early twenties, the vast majority of people my own age do little other than go out and get very drunk either sitting about in a pub or dancing in a club. It's just so boring! I'd rather be on my own. Anyway, I'll stop gibbering...

[befuddled1]

I like your gibbering. Can't say I relate to financial worries (yet!?) as am never very good at thinking much further ahead in terms of practicalities. Uni seems kinda pointless to me as what I'm doing, in some ways, relates so little to what I will do in the real world when I qualify. I feel like I'm just doing it to get the qualification. I tend to forget everything I learn, so what's the point!?!
I sometimes feel like if you don't get great enjoyment out of going out and getting drunk, as a young British twentysomething (am actually 27), it's like you almost don't speak the same language as others your age. Occasionally I enjoy it, but mostly it's a source of social anxiety. And I HATE having to shout over loud music!!
Coincidentally, a student on my course is having a career change from journalism.
I'll stop gibbering now
Beth