Are we really honest?

[thevoicewithinme]

I received a text message last night, asking how I am, to which I replied 'I am fine thanks, how are you?'

To which I received back 'Why do we always lie about how we are feeling?'
The text message I received was from another member on here, I won't name her, but she knows who she is...and to me she has been a great support.

What I am trying to get across is....are we really honest with other people about how we feel? Because, I know I am not. I never ever (but am about to) tell anyone how alone and scared I feel, how frightened I am of never getting my life back, and how at times I just cry and cry until there are no more tears and in my deepest darkest moments, I even think about ending it all, as I truly believe that my children would be so far better off without me, that I am a failure as a mother and so on and so forth...but then I stop...and I think of my children, and how four of them have already had a father who died, so need me even more...and how my other two (my babies) have got to grow up and then one day find out what their (blood) father is...and I realise that I cannot be selfish, I have to think of my children they all need me, as does my wonderful boyfriend who treats all six of my children as if they were his own.

How can I feel alone some of you might ask? I have a big family yes, and I know physically I am not alone, but mentally I am. It is only me who truly knows how I feel, it is only me who has all these horrible symptoms that come with anxiety and it's only me who can make myself go out, which, although I was finding it easier, I am now finding it harder and harder.

Maybe, that is why I cannot be honest with people about the way I am feeling. Maybe they expect so much more of me, and because I can't give it to them...I lie!

Kaz x

[NatashaW31]

Hi Kaz,
no defo not, i always say i'm fine to try and protect them that care about me, i hide my pain my missery my anxiety my saddness as much as i possibly can because i know they can not do anything other than be there and don't want them to stress out and worrie about me, The people close to me can usualy tell anyway yet i still try and reasure them i'm ok .
I have a saying for the meaning FINE Its F####d up insecure Neurotic and Emotional (hope this does not offend)
so a phew close people now when i say i'm fine they no the saying so no i'm not.
Nat x
P.s i luve your picture Kaz!

[thevoicewithinme]

Hi Nat,

I love your new meaning for the word 'fine' think I will be remembering that from now on...describes me down to the bone lol.

Kaz

[popsy]

Kaz, i know exactly what you mean and how you are feeling. When ive felt really low the only thing that has stopped me doing anything silly is my children and them having to grow up with the knowledge that their mother did what she did and i couldnt then control how they would feel about this, blame themselves, think i didnt love them enough etc.. etc... and known of that would be true, i wouldnt want to mess their little lives up, i couldnt bear it!
Anyway, enough of that, yes i always say fine, even when im not, i think it is to protect the people we love, because they love us and seem so happy when we say fine, we dont want to disappoint or sadden them. Also, it must get so boring for them if we continuinely seem to moan, some of them must think 'oh come on, blimee, arent you better yet!'
Thats why NMP is great at least here we can be blatently honest!
Thinking of you, and honesty i know how you are feeling hun! XXXXXXXX

[never2late]

Nice thread. Yes, I protect others from how I feel -- not wanting to burden them with my own bad days. I can be nervous and churning inside, panicky, and even shaky, but I'll always smile and get on as if I'm feeling light as a breeze. It's those moments when alone -- when the activities have died down and all is quiet -- that I would find myself back "within" myself once again . . .

[mlondon]

Hi

I do try and protect others to but when it got really bad I did begin to tell people how I was feeling and I was amazed at how many people said they have had a similar experience or said I can call on them anytime for support. It really helped me. It is also one way of finding out who your friends are. Now I am feeling a bit better though I try not to go on about it to people, especially my boyfriend, for fear of burdening them. I recommend telling a select few hwo you are really feeling, it might help.

[lilly-lou]

Hi kaz,
I'm never honest about my feelings, whenever I do see people they always say "look at you, you always smiling" yeah maybe on the outside as I don't want to bore people with my worries. I like you have 6 kids to look after and they are the only thing that keep me going. I feel like you that although I have a big family, mentally, I am probably one of the most lonely people about and hate that thats why I find this website so useful as there are so many of us here who feel the same

[thevoicewithinme]

It is good to see all of your replies, thank you

Talking of lonliness...I was talking to an old, old friend on msn earlier and told him of the way I am now etc...he said to me how on earth can I be lonely with my brood? It's quite simple really...I could be in a roomful of people and still be lonely...he didn't understand and vanished from online...guess that's another friend gone

Kaz

[NatashaW31]

Well in that case he wasnt a friend sweetie,
I get that completely, i always feel lost like i don't belong and oh so lonely but put on the old landlady smile to the world, my boyfriend gets so mad and says i shouldnt be this way if i am happy with him but he just doesnt understand that its not him it's me, sorry got side tracked there LOL You now have peeps that understand anyway
Nat x

[milly jones]

kaz,

love u loads hun

im fine too

at least we can be honest with each other

milly xxxx