Struggling with severe depression again.

[vladimir3d]

sorry for the rant, but i need to get this off my chest.

I am beginning to struggle with major depression again. I feel very alone, completely hopeless and I feel like i'm clawing at a brick wall with my nails and with approximately same proverbial result. And those brick walls are closing down on me.

I don't have a stable place to live or anyone to give me any support. My real life friends offer me promises they never keep, my parents only give me stress and push me to do things I am simply unable to do nor do I want to.

I feel like i'm stuck in a vicious circle where one thing feeds off another. I have no one i can trust, no one I believe, and I feel that all people in my real life are just happy to put a knife in my back when i'm least aware.

i'm dealing with my job, IRC, SSI, Psych guys, housing, it makes things all the more difficult. This is shameful to admit but I have cried more than few times lately, its very shameful because i almost never cry, but thats the only outlet i have now.


sorry, end rant.

[milly jones]

vlad, sorry i cant do more to help hun

(((((hugs)))))) and cry on my shoulder please

milly x

[vladimir3d]

thanks millie, its been a long hard road and still is, where it will lead me i still don't know.

I'm not giving up, i don't dare to, i don't have an option of giving up.

[happyone]

Firstly, crying is not a bad thing ok? It is a good thing even if it makes you feel like hell, but it really really is good for you. Us Brits are too flaming good at keeping emotions in check, I am not sure how you Americans do things. I am happy that you have this as an outlet.

I don't really know you as I haven't been on the board as much these days, but I do know depression. Something I have found that helps me is something my shrink said to me 'the bad feelings you get are tricks played on you by the depression' it is so hard to hold on to when life seems so bleak, but it CAN and DOES get better.
You sound like you have so much going on that anyone would find difficult. From your post I see you have involvement of Mental health service. Remember they are there for you. If you feel meds are not working or you feel too bad to cope, contact them.
In the meantime....keep on talking and posting.
Happyone

[marie1974]

hi there and im so sorry u r so down, i know the feeling of feeling alone and not having anyone who understands etc, but posting your thoughts and feeling on here are probably a big help to u as sometimes just writing it all down and having a good old rant now and again helps alot. crying is a good thing as we all need a release and its not good to bottle things up. sometimes we have to gather all our inner strength and really pull ourselves out and up of our depression. i got rid of mine totally through exercise every day and keeping busy and not sitting thinking about everything all day as this made me worse. i found doing voluntary work here and there i met some wonderful genuine people who really cared too. you will get there and u have support here, u r not alone and u can pm me anytime hugs xxxx

[vladimir3d]

thank you, no from my experience in america mental serivces are not here for us, they are not here to help us, they are here to take the insurance money and prescribe loads of chemicals.

I don't like them, i don't trust them, I want to get out, but it all comes down to the fact that I have no stable place to live. And i cannot find a good job with my degree because i don't have a stable place to live.

I am got off meds, i am not going to be taking chemicals for the rest of my life no matter what. I just don't really have anyone at all in real life who I can trust, who I can confine in, who would actually sit down and listen to me non-judgementally without taking opportunity to put a knife in my back.

I am fighting this, I am doing my best to get through this, but I simply don't have an outlet I am completely alone and I am extremely pessimistic right now about everything.

Sorry, I know you are trying to help and I did read every word of what you have said, I just simply cannot keep stuff inside anymore, its been piling up for such a long time that the proverbial bucket is beginning to overflow.

At this point to be honest I am not staying strong for myself, but for someone else.

[vladimir3d]

hi there and im so sorry u r so down, i know the feeling of feeling alone and not having anyone who understands etc, but posting your thoughts and feeling on here are probably a big help to u as sometimes just writing it all down and having a good old rant now and again helps alot. crying is a good thing as we all need a release and its not good to bottle things up. sometimes we have to gather all our inner strength and really pull ourselves out and up of our depression. i got rid of mine totally through exercise every day and keeping busy and not sitting thinking about everything all day as this made me worse. i found doing voluntary work here and there i met some wonderful genuine people who really cared too. you will get there and u have support here, u r not alone and u can pm me anytime hugs xxxx

thank you donna, I am keeping myself busy, I have a job, I just finished pre-requisite bio for my 2nd degree, I run my pseudo e-bay business and i am trying to get an apartment of some kind, its just at the end of the day I tend to fall apart because i cannot seem to make any progress.

[marie1974]

oh wow u are busy then, nights are the worst arent they but if u try to keep busy at home even just reading etc then mayb just go to bed fairly early u should then sleep quite well as u been busy all day and hopefully u wont feel so crap. take each day at a time and like u i have had some real bad times and thought god its never gonna get better but it always does and it will for u too, just keep plodding on and some luck will come yr way and i know trusting people is hard but u will find a few people that u will be able to trust hugs xx

[vladimir3d]

thank you for your support, I have a long rocky road in front me and I don't know where it will lead me in the end, but I appreciate you being here for me.

[marie1974]

it will lead u to a good place in the end trust me, just stay positive and focused and just keep plodding on and it will get better. set yourself goals and have a few dreams and visions even if they dont happen its good to dream, but most important keep smiling and keep positive, sod anyone else concentrate on just u. pm me anytime i will try to help xx