The right partner?

[Bill]

What do you look for in the opposite sex and what happens when they don't treat you as you expect them to?

I think most of us on here feel lonely, even when we have a good partner, lots of friends or family around us. Why? Because we feel no one understands us.

So what do we need from a partner? Firstly of course, we should find someone we feel who understands us.

What sort of person might that be?

Would these traits attract you?...........someone is sensitive, caring, gentle but strong, loving, someone who is always there for you, someone patient, someone who is able to reassure both in words and comfort, someone who is tactile who loves giving hugs and affection, someone we feel we can talk to about all our worries without fear of attack, someone who maybe is a bit of a worrier, someone who takes pride, someone who is maybe a bit of a perfectionist, someone who is conscientious, someone we can connect with, someone who always thinks of others feelings, someone who feels guilt if they feel they hurt someone, someone to feel safe with etc.

Who has those traits? Well.......how about an anxiety sufferer? ........so then why should we feel we can't be loved?

What happens when we meet someone who attacks us because they don't have the understanding and patience for our traits?......We beat OURSELVES up and ask ourselves what's wrong with US!

Tell me out of all those traits above what's WRONG with US?.......if you can't see any then why beat YOURSELVES up for being the LOVABLE person you are???

[Cathy V]

Bill, as usual a great post and spot on. Ive been married twice and got it wrong both times, except for my great kids...all adults now. In fact they have more understanding and compassion about the effects of anx on life than anyone i know either of their fsthers ever did, and it was often my children who helped me through many a panic attack.

My new partner, who i met after a long time living alone, tells me i'm much more sensitive to his feelings than he's ever known before, that i listen to him and give good advice when needed hahaha! not sure about the good advice but i guess you're right when you say that living with our anxiety for so long makes us more open to other ppls feelings and sufferings too.

He also tells me i can be such a grumpy cow sometimes too!

Best wishes
Cathy V xxxx

[Trixie]

I was married for 18 years to someone who suffered from mood swings and had temper tantrums ever so often, I met him through work. I am an extrovert, very chatty, love comedy and have a lot of friends (the complete opposite to him).

He is no longer alive and I would like to meet someone else BUT this time they would have to have the same personality as myself.

It is hard living with someone like this as you don't know from one day to another what they are going to be like.

I would like someone who thought I was the best thing since slice bread and would spoil me and I could spoil them also.

[gers]

Hiya

I was with my childrens father for over 10 years, we split just through one thing and another, and I met somebody else through work. That somebody else turned out to be a fruitcake, up to his eyes in debt, and finally his true colours started to show through when he beat the living daylights out of me. This is where I have got most of this panic stuff and obsession etc from.
Now I have met somebody who all he wants to do is spoil me, is trying so hard to understand why I am the way I am, and he is getting to the point of frustration with me and more so with my ex, as he understands its his fault im like this. The problem I have though is now I have somebody who is the most caring, loving person in the world, I dont believe he means it, I dont believe I am worth that, and so I wonder who it is I should be with. I want to be with somebody like you say Trixi, and that is what I have at the moment, but how long will that last, before I drive him away.
The one thing I would fault him on is that he finds it uncomfortable to be very affectionate, but even if he was more cuddly and kisses etc would it really make any difference,id still be the same I think.

[thevoicewithinme]

Bill, I read your post with great interest...and yes I agree us anxiety sufferers are everything that you said..but we DO still think to ourselves, who would want us?

gers...reading your reply, well that could be written by me. My partner who I am with now, doesn't understand the way I am, and yes he gets frustrated too trying to understand. When I can't do things because of my agoraphobia and panic...my partner gets very angry and he tells me he is not angry at me, but at my ex for making me this way. Like you also, I don't believe the things that my partner tells me, I don't believe that he loves me, I don't believe that I am worthy of him etc.

Kaz

[Horse]

Bill.

Once again an excellant post and true of course!

Would these traits attract you?...........I read this and began to relate to myself as one of these people before I even got as far as Who has those traits? Well.......how about an anxiety sufferer?

As usual, you are spot on in your diagnoses. I think that the major difficulty in all of this, is that fact that once we have discovered and been enlightened to the fact that we ARE punishing ourselves, probably unconsciously in most cases, we find it impossible to actually stop beating ourselves!

Most of us feel trapped by our own limitations. We know we must move on in order to leave the past behind and I believe that if we could, then we would. It is as though we are trying to run but our shoes are glued to the ground. As I have mentioned before in a previous post concerning my own feelings........It's as though I feel safe in the past and frightened of the future because a future with no fear or anxiety is somewhere I've never been!

There are people out there who are all of those things that you mentioned.
The problem is how do we meet them? There is always something there to inhibit us.........Agorophobia, Emitaphobia, Panic attack, Upset stomachs, Lack of confidence or self esteem and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Where do we go in order to meet them? I personally feel that I need to go back to primary school and start all over again for a second chance!

Why is it that people who are so nice and caring suffer from these symptoms? I know of some guys who are complete s***s and they treat their wives or girlfriends like dirt. But they still stay together.

As much as I would love to have a new relationship, basically, it scares the hell out of me. I think we are suffering from a need to administer what a collegue of mine refers to as some 'psychological anal explosive'.

As usual Bill, a superb post!

Kevin.

[milly jones]

bill,
thanks again for a post to make me think

i would love to be able to offer my husband all that he wanted in a relationship.

i would also love to be treated as special and important to him.

hes not a bad person but doesnt understand anx and this frustrates him.

i do blame myself for my illness and feel i lack skills to have a relationship.

i yearn to be the person i was when i was younger.

its so hard no to accept the blame for this illness, even when the answers as to why are starting to emerge.

sometimes i just wish an understanding hug could help ease the hurt

milly xx

[marie1974]

hi milly its sad that u dont feel special and important to him, is that just how u feel? cos he may think u are those things just not good at showing them mayb. you sound lovely and id luv to give u a hug xxxxx

[vladimir3d]

awwwwwww

Would these traits attract you?...........someone is sensitive, caring, gentle but strong, loving, someone who is always there for you, someone patient, someone who is able to reassure both in words and comfort, someone who is tactile who loves giving hugs and affection

I'm desperately trying to be like that

[Bill]

Vladimir, stop trying......just be You because you'll find you don't have to try!

Milly, if our partner treats us as being special and important, we can then give them all they want in return but it's up to them to make an effort to treat you the way you deserve First so don't beat yourself up for being You!

Kevin, where do we meet them? Well, the "right" people can be met online or in places such as anxiety management groups held by charities such as MIND.

Kaz, I Would!

Gers, I actually feel if he was able to show you more affection, it would help to enforce how lovable you actually are and make you feel more secure. I'd want to why I couldn't be shown affection.

Trixie, with your personality, your partner would be the lucky half!

Cathy, you grumpy?????? Never! I don't believe him! ........must be His fault if you are!