...........but can be Priceless!
One of the things that saddens me most of all is the damage caused by "life" and particularly by others. There are so many people who suffer so much as a result and so many of them don't deserve their suffering. I guess that's one of the reasons why I feel drawn back to this site even when at times I feel I'm not really helping much.
Anxiety sufferers are such caring people but they constantly beat themselves up because they can't see themselves for the "good" people that they are due to their past and the way life has treated them. Of all the people in the world, it seems so cruel that such lovely people suffer so much and I guess it's because of the type of people they are that makes me keep coming back here.
When I was in my bad spell, I had some bad experiences which compounded my bad feelings about myself.
I saw a therapist once who was of no use whatsoever, who shouldn't have been in their job. He said to me he didn't know what I was worrying about and I should go home and ....... ...... with the wife! The last thing I would want to do even then anyway!
When I used to self harm, a doctor asked me why I was wasting his time when there were "genuinely" ill people to treat and to think of my wife and her "genuine" illness!
When I self harmed in hospital, I was told by a nurse that if I wanted to self harm then to do it somewhere where no one could see me by accident!
When I suffered a panic attack and was taken to hospital, a nurse said she didn't know why I was there because there was "nothing" wrong with me despite knowing I'd had an attack of some kind.
When the cpn visits my wife, I'm often in bed due to the late nights my wife causes but I'm totally ignored by the cpn as if I don't exist.
When the doctor referred me to the mental health team, I was told to get out and socialise on my own without any support, and even now despite all my efforts, my only local friends are oap's who are twice my age.
When I went on an anxiety management course held by the local mental health team, I ended up having heated debates with the tutor because of the way they've always ignored me.
Even when I took an overdose mixed with other things one night, a cpn told me to go to bed to sleep it off!
When people say to me to look after myself, I smile because everything I've ever done, I've had to do for "myself" so I can look after my wife and mother.
Those are some of the bad points!
Now for some good!
One time I went for a break With my wife to a "hotel" that provided respite. Whilst we were there I met people who suffered her illness (schizophrenia), people with depression and also anxiety sufferers. There was one young woman who had been through a terrible ordeal and no one had ever been there for her so I felt I had to do something however small, to try and show that people cared about her so I decided to write her a poem to show what a lovely caring woman she was.
We went on an organised boat trip and whilst we were all sitting on the boat, I gave her the poem. She immediately burst into tears saying that no one had ever written her a nice poem about herself before. I wanted to do more for her as writing a poem felt so little but to her I believe that show of compassion was priceless. I would hope that she kept it to remind herself what a "good" person she was because I've never seen her since so I sincerely hope that she's keeping well.
When I lost my father, at his funeral I kept myself together. From the time he fell ill some months previous and even beyond then, I had never received any show of comfort or affection even from my wife or mother for different reasons. My wifes illness prevents her from being tactile and in my mothers case the slightest touch would set her off with tears so I kept to myself.
After the funeral, a woman I know from bowls came up to me and gave me a hug. She had lost her husband not long previously. I hadn't noticed she'd been there at the service and all I could think of was her courage to attend so soon after losing her husband to the same illness. At that thought and as she held me, only then did I release some tears in public. Before then I'd always cried to myself because I didn't want hassle from my wife or upset my mother.
Such little offerings of compassion cost Nothing but can I believe be priceless to those in need. I'll never forget that hug and every time I see this woman I think of her courage and the day she showed me a moments comfort and her priceless act of compassion.
If there was more trust and compassion in this world, there would be much less suffering. Compassion costs Nothing but can be Priceless to those who are suffering and feel alone.
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