Can't understand!

[Horse]

I wonder if any of my dear friends on this forum can help me or at least offer some advice?

Has anyone ever had any experience with a loved one who literally hates you to be complimentary, caring, or offer words of compassion?

My story involves a phone conversation between my wife and I (we are separated) from two weeks ago whereupon she informed me that she was ill! When I asked what was wrong, she said that she didn't want to talk about it! When we were still together, she always never had any problems discussing personal illness with me regardless of how delicate it may be. However, I know for a fact that the 'Knuckle scraping Neanderthal bag of slime' that she has been seeing for the past 6 years, has a tendency to upset her and also play around from time to time (why is it that so many women go with guys who are right b******s). So I presumed that he had in turn upset her again. However, after 2 weeks she is still no better to the best of my knowledge and it is even difficult to communicate with her via text.

I have even received one text saying that she is still ill and will text me when she is better! Needless to say, my anxiety is bad and therefore my concern is paramount regarding her welfare. I must point out that my wife always seems to be ill and has been like this for years but she is a fighter (as most women are) so in order for her to be like this, she has to be bad.

I got to the point of in the end, I sent her a text whereby i apologized for troubling her but said that i was concerned in case she was seriously ill and not letting me know. For all I know she may of been in hospital and not telling me for fear that I may visit her.......needless to say I would respect her wishes and not see her should this be so! I received a reply eventually, telling me that when I am 'like this' only makes her worse and to leave her alone. I am always offering to help her and now and again i tell her that I love her and am always thinking of her and will always be around in case she needs me. This in turn only seems to make it worse as she seems to hate me saying this.

I am therefore very confused as to why people seem to detest offers of help or compassion from people who care about them! I once told her That I worry about her and am concerned only to get a response as 'well don't be'.

OK, some people have a 'chip' on their shoulder but do I really make her skin crawl everytime she receives a text from me? I do not bombard her with messages, I only text her normally twice or once a week asking how she is, but she appears to hate it.

Your opinions would be welcome.

Thank you for reading.

Kevin.

[Cathy V]

Hi Kevin, you say you still contact her once or twice a week, but that she has been living with someone else for 6 years? isnt she your ex-wife now? do you have children with her and thats why you have to stay in touch with her? otherwise im a bit confused as to why you feel the need to have her in your life and make her problems your problems? especially if this situation makes your anxiety worse. Even if you have children, wouldnt the best thing after 6 years be to move on from her?

cathy xxxx

[Horse]

Hi Cathy.

Yes, I see your point.

She is not living with someone else, only seeing him. We do not have any children together although she does have a son, but the thing is, she is all I have. I have no family except a brother in Canada. Therefore, as much as she would like a divorce, I have said that if it should be final, I therefore will have no one who to call my family anymore. Mix this with my anxiety problem and I'm sure you will see my dilemma!

Also, as I said, I worship the ground she walks on.........basically I can't let go!

[Cathy V]

Ahhh, yes i see your dilema....complicated, but then life is never simple is it Kev?

Take care
Cathy xxx

[marie1974]

hiya kev, i would say honestly that as hard as it is after all this time you should try to move on and meet other people because she obviously has and i think this worrying for her that you do is lovely and you sound like you really do still love her but you need someone for you who will give you that love back, i think you deserve that. i know you say you dont have family but you can meet nice friends and people you can rely on if you make an effort. kev i have always thought on here that you are a lovely genuine funny guy, i think you need to start feeling confident about you and go out to places you enjoy and meet people interested in the same things as you, you will find someone who will love you for you, have faith in yourself, think of you for a change put yourself first buy some new clothes dress up go out and go for it hun, we only live once, you are a good person remember that hugs xxx

[Horse]

Donna,

I knew that I could relay on you my friend to offer me some good advice!

I know what you mean. But as I said to Cathy, I have real difficulty in moving on, forgetting the past etc. Plus the fact that I feel that one day my wife will innevitably need my help and when we married I made a vow to be there (silly I know).

I understand the going out bit. As the owner of 45 shirts (probably a strange fetish of mine) I'm OK for clothes and if i do have the guts to go out, I'm normally complimented on my appearance (and I also get on fine with their guide dogs as well)!

However, my past seems to be the thorn in my side, and also the lack of confidence and self esteem always rears it's ugly head.

I know what I need to do but doing it is the bit I can't.

By the way.....what are we doing up at this time of night on a Sunday anyway?

Kevin.

[marie1974]

hiya kev well im still up cos me and hubby are having some cake and cuppa haha and u wont be needing shirts then hehe. moving on is the hardest thing but sometimes the best and u never know wots round the corner, i know its really hard but living in fear anf hope in a way that your wife will need you is wasting your life wen u could be enjoying it doing other things. like you say you are complimented on your appearance which is a good thing, women like a man to look nice and you have a great shirt fetish always good hehe so wot more do u need, go for it mayb start going somewhere just once a week mayb join a club etc. hugs to you my friend xx

[Horse]

Many thanks Donna enjoy the snack!

Kevin.

[marie1974]

thanks kevin have a good rest of the night and stay positive and keep smiling always hugs xxxx

[bluesparkle]

sending you
i have pm`d you
rach
x