How do I move on?
Last night, we decided to have a drink or two...and my boyfriend and I got into a deep and meaningful conversation about my past, my panic attacks and my agoraphobia. I have finally accepted that my boyfriend does not understand, and is very unlikely to understand what I am going through, but, I am very aware now that he does love me but he just doesn't know how to cope and me being me, cannot put into words for him on what to do.
During the conversation, I became angry, frustrated and tearful, none of it aimed at him, but aimed at my husband (soon to be ex) who I know is to blame for the way I am now, and my boyfriend also feels that my ex is to blame. Some of you know what happened last year, and for those of you who don't....last year I discovered that my husband (who I was seperated from) had a past from which he had kept from me....basically I found out that I had married a sex offender.
It's a well known fact, that people like my ex learn from things that happen to them and that's why they become the way they are and that to stop it from continuing (i.e. through their kids) the chain has to be broken. Well, I did stop that chain....my little boys now have no contact with their blood father and legally they aren't allowed to until they are 18 (a long time away) and even then that will be over my dead body....but, what my boyfriend said last night is, that yes I did break that chain, but in doing so...I have taken the full load of everything. I got my children away from a P***(sorry dont want type the word) but, I am now carrying the guilt, the pain, the hurt and the need to protect my children more than ever. When I say guilt, it's not guilt because I knew what he was...I didn't..not until last year, it's more the guilt that my little boys, who are so absolutely gorgeous and so very very innocent have a blood father like him.
I have never felt so much anger towards someone, and so much hate and yet at the same time, feel sorry for them, because they are sick, so very very sick. He and his family betrayed my trust....they all lied to me and this I cannot get over and I cannot forget. I cannot cope with the way I feel about him, because the hate is boiling up so much that I really really want him dead. I know that makes me sound like such an evil person, but in my eyes, if he were no longer around...maybe I could move on?? And yet I know that's not true at the same time.
I still have have his name...as do my little boys and I hate it. Everytime someone says 'Mrs R*****s' I cringe...I feel dirty, I feel contaminated, I feel like such an idiot. I am not a stupid person, in fact I am quite well educated...but how the hell didn't I see him for what he is? The only good thing that ever came out of that relationship was my two little boys, who I love so very very much and I would give my life to protect them, and if I ever find out that he laid one hand on those two boys...or my 10 year old from another relationship...well I'm not even going to put into print what I would do.
Today, I am going to look into changing my name and my little boys names by Deed Poll, but...and this is where the law stinks....I know I am going to come across the same hurdle as I did when my boyfriend wanted parental responsiblity for them, that hurdle is...that I am going to have to get my ex-husbands permission to change their names, and I know that he will not give it.
I am so lucky in that my boyfriend loves my children as if they were his own, and my two youngest, no longer ask about 'Daddy' To them, my boyfriend is their Daddy. He has been more of a father to them in their short lives than their blood father ever was...and I know in time, he would like to adopt them as well.
I need to get my ex out of my head, but how? I feel that if I can do this, maybe, just maybe I can move on and I can get my life back, because right now I truly don't have a life....each day is the same as the previous day....everything is so routine, it has to be or else I can't cope...I'm not living, I am existing.
I know I have waffled on again (sorry) but please, has anyone got any ideas how I can move on?? All suggestions would be greatly appreciated, because I so don't know how much more of this I can take. How the hell do I get a perv like him out of my head? So far, we have changed the landline number, and I have also just got a new mobile and new number, which he hasnt got...but he does know where I live, even though he is over 200 miles away, there is always the thought that he could turn up here.
Kaz xx
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I am nothing special...I am just me!