Just feeling up to messaging now

[Yvonne]

Not messaged for a long time. I have been through virtual hell and am still in it to a great degree.

I was put on Moclobemide and I moved house. The Moclobemide didn't work very well at the lower dosage so was raised. My anxiety and depression were not good but I had every faith in the medication.

Strangely got through the move tremendously well and for the first few weeks of being in new house was full of enthusiasm.

Loads and loads of stress around me - one thing and another - won't go into it all. However, had raised the med and expected to be dancing all over the place on it.

Not so, oh my god I went into the blackest darkest depression I have ever known where I just wanted to sleep and be in bed. Anxiety levels that I have never ever felt (not even post Seroxat) - I was very very ill.

I went to see the shrink and he said "Nope" med isn't working gotta get you off it. Oh my god - more hell to follow. I shook from head to toe from the moment I got out of bed - so shaky I could barely dress myself. Had no feeling in my body and would drop things as I tried to do things. I had this awful awful sensation of needing to fall over and I would get up in the mornings feeling so so sedated that I would go from my bed and slump on the settee. As I laid there all the demons of anxiety and panic overook me - every symptom you can imagine and ones you can't came and I really really thought I was dying.

We had the emergency doctor out and he said it was the Moclobemide which he didn't like as a medication and he recommended Diazepam. I could not eat, could not sleep, I would go to bed and wake every two hours or sometimes stay awake all night. I would wake at around 4 am wide awake and every worry in the world would come to me and terrorise my mind.

I saw the shrink and he put me on quetiapine. He said it would help me sleep and hopefully the tranquilising effect would continue the next day to help th anxiety.

He wanted me to take it at 75mg but when I did I nearly fell down the stairs. Even on the dosage of 75 I still was waking in the night and I just jump out of bed and go downstairs in an effort to stop panic kicking in. This med gives you a swimmy sensation when you first start taking it and it scared me to death. I would not take the 75mg dosage and have stuck to 50. It may be helping the sleep a little but as for helping my anxiety I don't think so.

I am not on an anti depressant and haven't been for about 8 weeks. I don't know what the hell I'm going through (breakdown for want of a better word) - but I am truly in hell.

I am trying so hard going out and facing things. I have never ever thought of myself as agoraphobic but when I raised the Moclobemide I definitely was getting a fear of actually going out of the front door. I do have a problem with going into shops alone but it is so bad now it is killing me.

I try and try I go out and go out and go into shops all the time but the panics and this awful sensation of wanting to burst into tears is overpowering at times. I do it and do it and do it - I go out all the time - I would walk over hot coal to rid myself of this demon but I still seem to get the symptoms.

I know now that I never truly experienced anxiety before. The symptoms I have had/am still suffering are; blurred vision and muzzy head - outside things can look a bit surreal as I'm walking. I get jelly legs and feel as if I am going to fall over, I feel faint, I get strong pressure in my head, and I shake - I tremble all the time if I have something to face like a doctor's appointment.

One symptom I am getting which is scaring me to death is that I keep getting really really cold. I don't mean just cold as in put on another jumper and you will feel warm. I get FREEZING - the change of termperature from my lounge to my kitchen can have me shivering and once or twice my teeth have started to chatter. I am so so scared.

I do know of course that what I am suffering is severe sensitisation as described by Claire Weekes. Any thing and everything can start panic sensations. Silly little things can have me trembling. I really feel like my life is finished and that I am not going to be able to move forward this has knocked me down so badly.

I have never ever felt like this in my whole life. When I am in the house alone I get t his awful feeling that I have nothing to do and I force myself to do housework - that doesn't take long and it's a struggle cos I shake so much. I wake up with the thought what am I going to do all day and this thought haunts me all the time.

I cannot seem to get into anything, can't read a book can't focus on television and have no interest in anything whatsoever. I know I am highly sensitised because the never ending thoughts I have cause panic symptoms literally in an instant. Of course once the symptoms are in it's a vicious circle and it feeds on itself and I can't quieten the panic.

I have been given some Lorazepam to help me get some much need rest - I feel as if I cant sit still am so agitated and restless. Oh my god is there anyone who can help me and tell me what I am going through.

I see the shrink next week and please god he will put me on an anti depressant which will help me. The problem is that I have tried a few (post Seroxat) and none have really helped to a great degree. However, I do have to admit that I have never felt like this.

May I please ask all you nice people to be very gentle and careful when answering this post because I am incredibly fragile and I won't react very well to any negative posts or things which will badly worry me. I hope you all understand that.

I have just about got my courage up today to write on here have kept away for ages because even getting on the computer was too much for me.

My love to you all xxx
Yvonne

[Yvonne]

As a PS to the above : when I saw the shrink when I felt like I had completely lost it (couldn barely send a text message or find a phone number in address book) - I asked him if I was losing it and if I needed to be in hospital. He said you are not losing it by any means and you do not need to go into hospital. So - how bad do you have to be?? Not that I want to go in of course.
xx

[joy]

Yvonne my friend

WEll done for finding the courage to post this awful tale.


Please be gentle anyone who replies to this cos Yvonne is my friend and is in a fragile state but needs all the support she can get

Joy

[lorac]

Yvonne

So sorry to hear you have had such a bad time and I wish you all the best

Nice to see you posting again.

Love
Carol
xx

[EmmaJane]

Yvonne

You poor thing. Well done for getting the strength and courage up to post this. Im sure we will all try and help in any way we can.

I was in a similar situation to how you are about 12 years ago. With the same feelings, thoughts, worries etc.

I was put on Prozac and Diazapam, which did help stabalise me. Thing is as you are finding out, sometimes it takes a while to find the correct medication to suit and it does take a while to get into your system.

All I can say, and I know this is going to be hard, but try and accept this is how you are at the moment, dont beat yourself up about it. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Your doctors will find the correct medication for you. Be gentle on yourself, dont expect yourself to do to much. Little steps at a time.

Have you any meditaton or relaxation CDs you can listen to. Guided ones are good, as they tend to make you focus. ( but dont worry if your mind wonders a bit )

Just take it easy and try and think nice thoughts.

Thinking of you. Take care

Emma xx

[redrose]

Sending you loads of

[Yvonne]

Thanks so much for the replies so far - much appreciated. I really really struggled about letting it all out on here but decided I had to see if others had been through anything like it. Thanks for all the advice. Will try to get back into my relaxation tapes but I have no patience whatsoever at the moment and I start to listen to a relaxation tape and want to aim it out of the window lol! I must try though.

Just want a med to help me now cos I really think im on a road to somewhere I don't want to go.

Yvonne

[marie1974]

hiya just wanna send u s and to say stay strong, in time u will feel better and hey anyone that would send u a negative post would not be welcome here so dont u worry hun .

[never2late]

I am so very, very sorry to read the story of how you are feeling right now. My heart truly goes out to you. I wish you peace from your suffering.

[Oceanblue]

Yvonne,

I've only just seen your message. You poor thing, you're really going through it and my god, the symptoms you have described sound so very similar to how I once felt.

You must be feeling terrible, I'm so sorry you're going through all this right now. I wish so much that I could help you and offer advice.

It was a mixture of things that caused my symptoms, the only one that's similar to yourself was coming off of certain medications, some can have this horrible effect.

Feeling freezing cold, shaking, teeth chattering (I used to have to sleep with my coat on and hood up and I still shook!). Cold sweats, nightmares, sleepless nights. That horrible panic inside was just hell. My whole body used to shake, everything around me looked so fake/surreal like things were made up like a Theatre Stage. I really feel for you, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I wish I could help you in some way. I had to just ride it through, whilst taking a fair dosage of Diazepam to try and help, I was then given a new anti-d and other med's.

I was in hospital when I experienced this, but I was also experiencing other symptoms. I had just been through a traumatic event and was living a nightmare.

I do hope that your doc will be able to help you throughout this stage. It took alittle time for me, but it does pass and you will be ok and soon be better.

Keep strong Yvonne !

PM if you need.

Sending love and I hope these symptoms will pass very soon. xx