Low self-esteem

[Zingara]

I just feel exhausted with all the struggling, I don't really know what to do anymore. I had another really bad panic attack last night, out of the blue, I couldn't breathe properly, went light-headed etc. This morning all the old problems seem to be back after a few days of remission. IBS, churning, tension headache and above all a really oppressive sense of worthlessness. I look over my life, both past and present, and all I can see is a wasteland of mistakes and lost opportunities. I can't work and can't see a time when I will be able to. I can't really see a point any more. Last year, as you'll know if you've read my other witterings, I had a big operation that dominated the year and caused me a lot of stress and emotional problems. Now that all that is over instead of feeling relieved I just feel so flat and so lost. I feel like I have just thrown away everything I was given in life. I feel like the man in the parable of the talents, who buried what he was given in the ground and then had even that taken away from him. People tell me I suffer from low self-esteem, but to me my view of myself seems to be a realistic one.
Sorry to be so whiny. I read over what I've written and think 'God, get over yourself!' I wish I could, but this illness has ground me down so much. I used to have a lot going for me, I was a 'gifted' child and did very well at school. Now here I am, 29 and no job, having to borrow money from people to meet my outgoings. I just want to be someone else, someone strong.
You know that Lou Reed song about heroin, Perfect Day, where he sings 'You made me forget myself/I thought I was someone else/Someone good'? That song always brings tears to my eyes because I can relate so strongly to it. I feel like I could be someone else if only I knew how. I feel like I'm a block of stone with a sculpture inside it.
Oh, well! Sorry to go on so long. xx

[milly jones]

samira hunny

please accept some hugs xx

u will get over this again hun

uve had a rough time and u got thru that last year.

u got to keep on moving forward and getting support when u need it.

have u visited ur gp?

praps u need to consider asking for some help to talk to a professional?

im sorry i cant be more help in your time of need

hugs

milly xx

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Samira,

A physical illness or operation can have a huge impact on our lives. To me it appears that after this operation you seem to be stuck. We can all look back on our lives and see the error of our ways. The fact that this is all you see is your depression talking. You are not worthless, you only feel that way.

Try and find three things to be grateful for every morning when you wake up. I found that when my Grandmother passed away recently and I was very depressed this helped me somewhat. After doing that a week or so, I went on to trying three things that I liked to do such as reading, looking at movies etc. (plus do them) The next week I focused on three things that made me happy, such as sunny days, rainbows, etc. The next week I focused on three things that I thought I was good at (the most difficult by far for me). This did make me feel good about myself once I achieved it though. Focus on the good, not the bad. I did this step for two weeks and even wrote it down and kept it on my mirror. If you repeat these things to yourself you will eventually believe it. Just like you believe the negative you will believe the positive if you say it enough to yourself. Also, pamper yourself, you deserve it!

If you can't get beyond feeling like this I would try counseling. I think it might be beneficial to get you on the right track and feeling good about yourself again. Good luck and I do hope you feel better soon.

Many hugs,

Laura

[Anna C]

Samira

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, is there anyone who can give you a big hug?
Please talk to your gp this is too hard for you to cope with all on your own.


I remember reading about someone who had suffered from anxiety and depression. She said 'the scary thing was how rational it felt, it wasn't dramatic, it was very matter-of-fact and made perfect sense. That was what was so devastating it was as if I'd been bodysnatched'

I sometimes feel like I've been bodysnatched, or that I keep trying but I feel like I'm sinking and not in control of me any more.

I think what Laura suggested sounds like a good way to try and give you some self esteem. But please get support from family and friends and your doctor, please let them help you. Also keep posting on here for support. I know how it feels to think that you've hit rock bottom and that there is no way back up - but there is.

Take care of yourself and I hope you start to feel better soon.

Anna x

[Georgie1972]

Hi Samira

This is my first time on this site. A friend found it for me the other day. Believe it or not, i understand exactly how you feel. i know how scary and alone it feels to be that low. i often wished there was something wrong with me that was tangible - a broken leg etc. That way a doctor could see the problem, mend it and i'd be ok. it's very hard for people who have never suffered from severe depression to fully understand. My advice to you is that you must see your GP. If you had a bad stomach for a few days you'd be sure to go so I really dont see alot of difference. They see people like us all the time. They went into the profession to help, so let them help you. I have read the messages people have been writing to you. Isn't it amazing that people you have never met can genuinely care for you and want to help and advise you. They too need your help and advice so keep accepting the help and try really hard to follow it.

Do write back if you can.

Thinking of you.

Georgie

[Zingara]

Thank you all so much for your help and kindness...I have been at my parents' for the weekend and haven't been able to get on to the internet. Dead tired now but will post again tomorrow....

[marie1974]

hi samira i hope u r feeling alittle better sending u a huge hug. stay strong xx

[Zingara]

Hiya, thanks so much all of you for your support and wise words. I have been really really panicky all day today from the moment I woke up, had really bad IBS (anx related), could hardly eat, felt terrible. I had to go to a birthday party tonight, which really didn't help! I got in such a state I was hyperventilating while I was there and had to keep rushing off to the loo. Still, I managed to stay until half past ten and even managed to join in the conversation and act 'normal', so I suppose that was an achievement! I'm still shaky though. Have such a long list of anxiety symptoms at the moment it's unreal. I have a really bad lumpy feeling in my throat, I've had it before and had my throat checked, but I still get stressed about it, even though I know it's caused by stress!
I do feel scared about what tomorrow will bring. I seem to have no coping mechanisms at the moment, anything and everything sends my anxiety sky high. I'm totally shattered with it!
Still, I am telling myself to be brave and hang in there. I have had some horrifically bad times before and I have got through somehow. xx

[shiv]

Hi there. Thank you for your reply on my thread- I didn't know you were having it so rough yourself. My thoughts are with you.

As you say hang in there

Siobhan x

[Zingara]

Thank you all...I know I keep saying it, but I feel so grateful that you read my thread and take the time to reply. I'm just taking today a minute at a time.... still shaky from all my panicking yesterday. It can make you feel really isolated, like you're with people physically but really you're in your own little world (or should that be 'hell')! Well, let's hope for better things....still scared though....