is it my fault?

[bluesparkle]

hi...
i have been doing really well lately... and have had lots of things going on like appointments with my daughter... my sister in law waiting to go into hospital etc but have still managed to keep on top of things.
but today i dont know which way is up and i am so scared but i dont know what of... but i do know why...
my ex who i have been struggling with lately because i have a fair bit of contact with him and find it difficult not too... (although there is no chance of us getting back together)i posted about it before and have been getting better with this situation too... but last night i had a phone call at 12.30am he had been attacked whilst working (taxi driver) and wanted to come round... well of coarse i said yes and he came then we got the police etc but he stayed till about 4.30 am until he had calmed down of coarse i didnt want him to leave but he did .... he was back again by 8 though. well im not sure all this is relavant but when he left for work i just fell apart... he has to work tonight and i know he is still very shook up but its almost like he has muddled my mind.. im not clear anymore of where im going. he is close to anouther lady but she does not know about the contact we have... so he was planning to see her tonight(but he has to work now) and said to me this morn that he wouldnt mention to her he had come here last night as she neednt know (ouch that hurt after sitting up all night with him)
so am i fool and is it all my fault that my panic is high as i let him spend time here ...what is he playing at... i know im going to worry for the next few days and want to be in touch with him constantly... but i also know he has others like this other lady... but i cant work out why he came here as he always seems to when things are not going well ....well needless to say i feel second best but i know i have put myself in this situation ... i just care so much ... and hurt so much...
i do not want to spend the whole week end in a state of panic...
im going out tonight not very sensible after no sleep but i know if i stay here i will just get myself worked up.
i am sorry to go on a bit but didnt know who i could talk to that would understand and people here have been so friendly and supportive
i just hope this makes some kind of sense
rach

[carlin]

Hi there, and you wonder why you are feeling stressed today? gosh what a night you've had. Firstly, do go out tonight, take your mind off things and think what a brilliant nights sleep you'll have tonight. As for the rest...well i think i would have done exactly the same when someone close to us (albeit no longer together) gets hurt or are in trouble it's only natural to help, unfortunately, this does not help your anxiety/panic at all. When he left for work, you said you fell apart, that's because whilst he was with you, you had to be the strong one, once he had gone, your body relaxed and everything hit you at once, again that's natural. I'm sorry this is not much help, but just thinking of you right now. take care and keep in touch, and by the way, none of this is your fault!

[bluesparkle]

thank you ...
and im actually doing better than i thought... i think i just panicked yesterday when i posted that... i was panicking about panicking!!! if you know what i mean... and i was extreamly tired and confused...
so its time to put it behind me now "been there done that" its just the sort of person i am to care and not turn someone away it wouldnt have mattered who it was...
felt better just writing it down too...

[seh1980]

Glad to hear you're doing a little better Blue

[sal]

Hi Rach

You have coped well and showed how caring you are and no doubt if anyone of your friends had called you at that time of night you would have being there for them, it is just a lot harder the fact it is your ex and i can appreciate how you feel. He has made the break but still needs you at times of crisis which is very confusing and something that how you are feeling you dont need.

Pleased you coped better than you thought, so that should have given you some confidence. Its really hard mate especially where children are involved so dont be so hard on yourself. Here if you want to talk about it.

You take care of yourself.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.