Harming others....Intrusive thoughts....

[windows]

Ill start off with a brief backed ground,im currently, my brother died 7 years (he was 8 at the time) my mom became suicidal and my dad became an alcholic.

Ive had problems with anxiety for about 2 years, starting with little things like my health.

In the last 4 or 5 months, ive become terrified that im going to harm(kill) somebody. Most of the time im worried that id harm someone I love, but sometimes its random strangers I see in the street etc.

Its gotten to the point where I feel like its going to happen whether I want it to or not, and It scares me that one day I might start liking these thoughts, and will want to act out on them.

Ive be trying to put together reasons why Im feeling like this, I do not think it is simpily OCD, but a form of anxiety, with other background reasons built in.

Heres some of the reasons why I think i feel like i do.

• I have been, and still am, very depressed, and this has lead to lack of emotion, which make me feel like I just wouldnt care if I did something to someone (even though im sure I would care)
• I have lots of built up anger, and stress, which im scared will find its way out.
• IT sometimes feels like if i did harm someone, that all these thoughts would go away, which is stupid, and rationally i know its not true.
• Ive come to believe myself as a bad person, who is capable of doing something like that, although in truth, I dont think I am.

Ive seen psycitrists and doctors, and I have had councilling, all of which have helped to a certain extent, but im still sitting here, scared, and worried that i will act out of these thoughts.


Thanks for reading, im sure ive missed somethings out.

[lesleyB]

You won't act on these thoughts as that is what they are, just thoughts.With your background it is anxiety that causes them, I have them as well and they are the opposite of what you really want to happen. They do happen to poeple without anxiety as well as my counceller told me and are more common than you realise, the trick is not to worry about them, I know it's not easy but try and distract yourself when the thoughts come, by concentrating on your surroundings.
Good luck
Lesleyb

[bluebottle]

Hi Windows, this is very, very common in anxiety. Totally normal and you won't do what your worrying about. Its usually about/around family members, but can be strangers or animals. Let the thoughts come bit by bit. Don't push them away. Let the image pass through your mind however awful it seems, and let it go. Its anxiety, and not you. Meg who is connected to this site will tell you how she used to be scared of knives at one time because she thought she might do something terrible. I have had lots of these thoughts, every thing under the sun. All rubbish, I wouldn't hurt a fly. Neither will you.

[noonoo]

I have felt EXACTLY like that since April (when my first real attack happened). I've managed to prove to myself that nothing will happen by going out the house and going shopping, seeing friends.. anything to be with people. And you know what? It has helped, because I realize i've just walked down a whole street of people and not thought about it once because my mind is on where i'm going next, you start to enjoy yourself. At first I was scared i'd do something but now I know I won't. I've also told myself over and over a lot of things that are helping me.

xxxxxx

[Bill]

All the reasons that you have typed are all connected to your fear of harming others.

You feel depressed because the thoughts won't leave you alone because you fear them.

You feel alot of anger because the thoughts stress you so much.

You "think" harming someone would get rid of the thoughts because the thoughts frighten and stress you so much but of course you wouldn't. You just want the thoughts to stop.

You feel a bad person for having these bad thoughts.


I've copied the following from a post I typed in reply to another thread because I thought they might help you....

Our minds focus on fear so that anything that represents danger will trigger fearful thoughts of "losing control" because fear makes us need to feel in control at all times like walking a safe path.

Thoughts that make us feel afraid cause anxiety symptoms which in themselves create fear so we do our best to avoid thinking fearful thoughts to avoid the symptoms they produce. We like to keep to our safe path by not allowing us to experience bad thoughts to keep in control of our feelings to avoid anxiety symptoms.

Fear creates these bad thoughts Because we live in fear. If we stand at the top of a clifftop watching a sunset, we fail to see the beauty of the sunset because fear makes us focus on not getting too close to the edge and the long drop from the clifftop instead!

We need to learn to allow ourselves to venture off our safe path to think bad thoughts without being afraid of them because they're just thoughts created by our fear and then the bad thoughts stop troubling us so we can then enjoy the good things in life.

[j-man]

hi

i have bad thoughts which are of a sexual nature and am horrified that one day ill like them and do what im thinking.
no matter what people say like thats not u its ocd it still seems real...........

so your not alone mate

j-man

[Worried worrier!]

Hi, i'm really struggling with intrusive thoughts at the moment. I can't bear it. I feel as though i'm losing my mind and that i will act on them too.
I keep having one of stabbing my son....which is awful and scares me. but i keep playing it in my mind and now i'm scared that i'm starting to like these thoughts as i dont seem as bothered by them and am getting myself into a right state.
I am so frightened and never want my children to come to any harm. I feel as though i need someone to reassure me constantly.
I am a good and very loving person but am so afraid of turning psychotic or that my thoughts will become fantasies.
I keep trying to calm myself by testing myself with bad thoughts and images but i'm so worked up and feel numb and am so afraid of huting my children.

[Cleo]

Hello worried worrier I get a similar thought about my boyfriend who is actually lovely and like you would never want him to come to any harm. I have rationalised these thoughts in the following way ; if I did not like those thoughts and think they where bad or somehow know they are unpleasent then I would be psychotic. Therefore you could not possibly turn psychotic. Also even if you did you wouldn't realise or understand consequences therefore you have nothing to worry about. But any way you won't turn psychotic because you have 'insight' into your anxiety you are able to communicate clearly what you are feeling and what you are feeling is not psychosis it is anxiety. Also don't worry about the fantasy thing someone did some research recently showing that people in caring professions; teacher, nurse, doctor have the highest levels of violent fantasy. The researchers even suggest that this could be a means of coping with the stress of constantly being caring and kind. So by extension you could assume violent fantasy may even be healthy! However I'm sure it needs to be balanced out by good fantasy. My opinion is that testing yourself with bad thoughts and images may make you more anxious. Why not try exposing yourself to some feel good fantasy? Write a childrens book or do something creative. Allow your bad thoughts to come and go just like a bad smell. Don't try and stop them it could make you more anxious. A bad smell comes as quickly as it goes. Obviously it's easier to deal with a bad smell you open a window and get out the air freshner. May be you could think of some simple ways to deal with those thoughts that can distract you from them. Just writing this to you has helped me! I hope I've helped you a bit. Sorry about the bad smell metaphor I probably sound like a bit of a prat lolxxx

[windows]

Hi, thats for all your imput, its nice to know im not alone in this.

Worried Worrier, I feel exactly the same as you, I worry that im going hurt someone one minute, and the next im worried that im not worrying, I can also tatally understand the numb thing aswell, I stared to get terrified because it felt almost like i didnt care if i acted up on thoughts (although now i realise that i obviously did care, because other wise i wouldnt have been worried), i think im slowly making progress, although i still have bad patches, and my mind always seems to still be tuned in to this anxiety, for example ill be in a situation and ill start thinking, i could do this... i could do that.... i think ive started to realise that they are just thoughts, although they seem very real at times, and sometimes feel like im going to act on them, I figure I been feeling like this for about 6 months now, and I havnt done anything, so why would i now?

You will not turn psycotic, If you were, you certainly wouldnt be worried about acting on thoughts, and i very much doubt that you'd be on this forum telling us about it!

Thanks for all your help, and it will get better! even if it dosnt feel like it right now

[Cleo]

Hi windows,

Seems like we are all sensitive souls! I have a pretty similar take on things to you it seems. Obviously there's no right or wrong in tackling these issues but I did wonder if CBT might speed up progress in working towards being symptomless. I've only tried CBT self-help for panic attacks which was good. Have you heard or tried it for intrusive thoughts? I seem to be progressing well on my own right but I'm worried that when I'm under stress the thoughts will come back. However I quite like dealing with stuff on my own it gives me a sense of achievement and i don't feel like something is really wrong just that I feel quite vulnerable.

Just wondered if you've got any ideas?


Cleo