Hi, I'm a newbie, so bare with me. I'm sorry its so long but I don't know how to cut it down. I'm so upset right now.

I am what is termed 'morbidly obese' have had Arthritis in my ankles since I was 6yrs old, and always found myself a little social phobic. As a kid, I developed a rare condition called Multiple Allergy Syndrome. It meant that when I handled certain metals and plastics, I developed blisters almost instantaneously which scarred and took forever to heal. It has been treated via a pioneering and radical treatment, in 1998, and thank goodness, I only get that reaction on a very few things, but never as dramatic or life threatening.

Then in 1997 - first year secondary School - I developed O.C.D. I know when almost exactly when it started invading my life, and what started making me feel dirty. I never felt I could admit it to my parents. I have only openly admitted it to my folks since 2001. It causes a lot of difficulties at home, and my parents and I often argue about it. My O.C.D. takes the form of hand and body washing. I never feel clean after handling things - weirdly, that does not include my pets, not even if my cat has been outside.

Then over the past 3 years I have been involved in 3 car crashes, and last week a taxi drove into the bus I was on - talk about feeling like an extra from the Final Destination movie ! Anyway, the last one in September 2004, I was the driver. The one in 2003 - as a passenger, I had to be cut out of the car and because of my weight it took 13 Firemen to lift me out. It was so humiliating and they had to grab me and manually haul me onto a body board. Some of their hands were grabbing places that left me feeling degraded. I was discharged from hospital 48hrs later with a crushed vertebrea, whiplash and shock. Being in that filthy hospital unit was more traumatic for me than the car crash.

Anyway, the car crash in September was bad. It resulted me in having panic attacks. Its at the point now where, I cannot drive, and if I get panicked, I attempt to get out of the car, even if moving, or lunge for a handbrake screaming and crying. I will never drive again. Its very stressful for the driver - usually my parents too. My dad is convinced I'm acting and mum ends up shouting at me that she can't cope. At Easter just gone, I lost my job because I was never able to get to my desk on time as I needed calm time down once getting out of the car. Leaving home earlier meant heavier traffic and more panic attacks. Work said this meant to them that I wasn't dedicated to my job or colleagues, even though they witnessed a full on Panic Attack when my boss gave me a ride home one day.

Because of the panic attacks, my anxiety levels are sky high, and so my O.C.D. is worse. Coupled with a recent invasion of flies in the house, due to next door's dogs and then never cleaning their yard, (can't use chemicals because of my allergies) it has reached the point where I now can't eat anything at home, because I get it into my skull that the flies have been on the pots and pans and things, after opening a cupboard and seeing a few flies come out. My dad never closes cupboards and drawers. He is no support as he keeps telling me that O.C.D. is an attention grabbing, melodramatic disorder, in spite of all the info I get for him.

Mum is more helpful and sympathetic, but lately Mum has been yelling at me, that she can't cope with me. I have my own cutlery and plates, that only I deal with and as I can't cope with cooking in our house, I buy weigh****cher stuff that is cookable in the microwave. Today's stress was that, I went shopping for groceries. My Dad unpacked it all - he didn't realise it was mine, and my brother left my loaf of bread open on the side. I dived at it horrified when I noticed it, and sure enough out of the bag, a fly appeared. The loaf went in the bin, and mum screamed at me. She said it was my imagination, I swear it wasn't, but she said she is fed up of my condition and what did I want from her, then she went all silent and said sh