Why am I so bothered??

[MissiD]

Hi all,
I've not posted much on the forum before but I do read the messages & replies with interest and can see that there is a lot of support and some very good advice so I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you... I do feel a bit silly!
A few months ago I made contact with a fellow sufferer on another website. All started off fine, there was lots of encouragement and support and we were becoming what I thought was friends. I gave advice when he was going through a bad time & ultimately split with his girlfriend and also received a letter from him when things were tough for him and he was 'losing the will to carry on'! Leading up to this point he had started to become a little more than just friendly & talked about how he wished I lived closer & how he would love to meet me etc etc, along with some other stuff about how great I am, how we would be so good together etc.... then more recently he's been behaving really bizarly (can't spell, lol) and has actually been quite nasty (or that at least is how I see it). After the letter I obviously became concerned and sent a few texts to see how he was doing and how he was getting on to which I got no response until a couple of texts recently saying that he wanted space, it gets a bit full on when he doesn't reply, he doesn't answer to anyone & can I just back off a bit!!
Maybe I'm just being over sensitive but that response really upset me... I'd been the one he'd turned to when things were tough & involved me in his problems & then he suddenly 'turns' on me... what's that all about?!
I admit I enjoyed the attention & the idea that someone thought I was great etc but now he behaves like I've been hassling him, when infact he encouraged the contact!
I'm finding it hard to understand & it's playing on my mind cause I'm not sure what, if anything I've done wrong & if it really is my fault??.... I am of course aware that people in our situations deal with things in different ways but I cant understand how an anxiety sufferer can be so insensitive...
I'm still upset thinking about it & would appreciate a hug and some reassurance/advice if you don't mind....
Mel x

p.s sorry for such a long rant!!

[marie1974]

hi mel im sorry u feeling this way. i really think that meeting people on forums like these are hard as most of us suffer with a few things and trying to have a kinda relationship other than friendship on forums is not a good idea. one cos you only know wots been writtien and told to you and second, both of u having your problems and issues can make things very tough especially when u dont really even know the person. i think actually it can be quite dangerous meeting strangers for dates and so on from the internet cos they could tell u anything. its great to be friends and help people but i think dating on these kinda sites is a bad idea hun, if he is not wanting to know u i would just leave it, you tried to help and this person obviously has problems and is findin it hard to cope and needs to sort themselves out. i have met some lovely friends on here and they are great but as for meeting boyfrnds/girlfrnds i think u need to stick to people u really know. thats just my opinion hun. you have done your best but sometimes we need to step back

[marie1974]

i also think from a womens point of view if we are quite vulnerable then we attract the wrong type and certain men )not all) honest lol prey on girls like that but come across as lovely and full of compliments i have been there before with someone i thought was a good friend and trust them with my life they turned out to be really bad. for this reason meeting men off internet me me even if i was single would be a definate nono as we dont know them

[MissiD]

Hi Donna
Thank you for your replies. I understand what you say & agree with you. In this case it wasn't about having more than a friendship, he was kind of suggesting as much, but as far as I was concerned I thought we were friends...... or at least thats what I was trying to be.... sorry if it sounded like something else... random typing, lol.
I'm just upset that I put myself out for someone (i.e with support & friendship) to have it thrown back in my face like that, when it was him asking for help! Does that make sense?
Anyway, I know I need to leave him to it. I just don't get why he's been so harsh.... me just being over sensitive I guess.
Thank you
Mel x

[marie1974]

hi mel sorry i did rant on abit didnt i hehe, thats prob cos of my experience sore subject even now lol. yeah i understand wot u mean u put yourself out completely and worried about them as a mate and then they kinda cut u dead. mayb he is just suffering still with his relationship breakup and mayb other stuff too and he not coping very well, even still thouh he should explan himself to u abit more after u trying to help. i would ignore him mate and see if he contacts u, but just move on and focus on u hun. hugs xx

[MissiD]

Thank you
I guess I have some trust issues!..... which i think is why this has made me feel like this. Putting myself out, talking about problems etc, thinking I could talk to someone.... sometimes I wonder why I bother.... lol!
But thank you, I know what you say is the right thing, I just can't help feeling stupid about the whole thing.
x

[marie1974]

dont feel stupid i have trusted people loads before and they turned out to be not nice like i thought and i now am suspicious of everyone which isnt a bad thing. we just have to find the right people to trust i have a few good friends and thats it i dont trust many people i been hurt to many times . i have also found my very first instincts about someone are the right ones. i have met people thought they were dodgy but after a while thought they ok then they turn out to be dodgy, so i trust my first instincts on someone alot more now

[MissiD]

Thank you.... sometimes I think it's just me! Surely I can't blame the anxiety for everything!!, lol
x

[marie1974]

hiya no i sure u r lovely hun pm me anytime u wanna chat hugs xxx

[Franz]

I am not sure it's quite as simple as Donna makes out.

When two people of opposite sexes (or even of the same sex ) are emotionally vulnerable, it can be difficult for them to stay friends without deeper needs starting to take over, whether on one side or both sides.

If this guy was saying he was losing the will to live, it sounds as though he was very needy, and maybe was starting to see you as a lifeline. You say you were flattered by his attention: I'd guess that he also felt flattered by yours. As insecure people tend to do, perhaps he interpreted your friendliness as something more than you intended, and when you backed off a little (which I assume you did if you had no interest in him romantically), he felt rejected and angry.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but people are complicated. I've had experience of getting too attached to other people, and of other people get too attached to me, and when love (or what we think is love, but may just be neediness) is thwarted, anger often fills the gap.

It's easy to be flattered by a member of the opposite sex giving you attention, but often they expect something in return, without saying it, and perhaps without admitting it to themselves.

Last year I lost touch with a female friend who also suffered from anxiety. We'd been supporting each other and she ended up coming on strong to me, as it were. I was flattered by her attention and ended up falling in love with her - a situation which, I think it's accurate to say, she didn't exactly discourage. But then she backed off, and if I'm honest I totally lost my marbles: I felt sick in the stomach and crushed by despair and anger. I will be honest and admit I sent her a couple of pretty nasty text messages. I don't say I was right to do that but we all know that when we're emotionally instable we do all sorts of things that aren't right.

Clearly you didn't go as far as my friend did in encouraging his hopes, but you need to be careful in situations where you or the other person are emotionally vulnerable. You might have been best off just stopping the friendship completely when he started getting heavy - that was a clear sign that he wanted the relationship to be something it could never be, and one-sided relationships are usually doomed.