Feeling Worthless Today

[mtatum4496]

Everyone please excuse me, I just need to gripe for a moment.

Today, I have a sense of being of no worth whatsoever. This in spite of the fact that the work I had laid out to do today went smoothly. Actually, other than my dark mood, the day has gone very well.

This is not unusual. Saturday I woke up in an exceptionally good mood, brimming with confidence about how things are going and looking forward to a future where one day the GAD and agoraphobia would be history.

It seems that when I have one of those positive phases, a negative one seems to follow shortly thereafter. While I had hoped this cycle might be coming to an end, it appears that the time is not quite here yet.

To complicate things, I feel caught betwixt and between today - part of me wants to burrow down in the bed covers and hide, another part of me wants to be outside soaking up the sunshine in spite of the 90+ degree weather. It is a real tug of war going on internally right now.

I know this will pass - it always does. I could very well wake up tomorrow and feel confident and worthwhile once again. But today, it looks like things will be a struggle.

[Cathy V]

Sorry you're feeling so down today. If its any consolation, your thread about agoraphobia has really taken off and developed into some interesting and informative posts. I hope you feel more positive tomorrow.

Best wishes
Cathy xxx

[milly jones]

hi matatum

just passing on a hug that u gave to me not so long away

take care, im on the same rollercoaster as u

love milly xxx

[mtatum4496]

Thank you, Milly and Cathy.

Things are a little better today. At least I don't feel quite as worthless. But I still feel torn between getting out and staying in, and find this internal tug of war to be extremely vexing. On the other hand, it does feel kind of nice to actually WANT to go out rather than forcing myself to go out as I have been doing through most of this; this desire seems to be building up in me and may eventually become more powerful than the compunction to stay in and not risk a panic attack.

I did get out in the sun for a little while yesterday and that did help. And I've been out on my morning bike ride today. Perhaps I will get out some more when I have my work done.

[Zingara]

I suffer badly from feelings of worthlessness too, I've posted about it quite a few times, so I know how you feel. But I just wanted to say you really helped me on my thread about feeling over-emotional, what you put was really insightful and helped me to put things into perspective, so thank you. xxx

[mtatum4496]

Thank you, Samira - I am glad that what I could share was of help. But then, that is what this messag board is all about - all of us sharing what we feel, ideas that seem to help and in general giving and receiving, hopefully to the benefit of all of us.

I am still working through this phase of the last few days. There have been a few bright spots now and then, which has made things a little nicer. And I had an experience last night where I went into a supermarket and did not have any increase in anxiety at all!!!!! That really helped my confidence level and made it possible to go to bed last night with a smile on my lips.

[marie1974]

hi there and im glad u feel abit better and the supermarket trip u done sounds very positive and u did really well. just work on being positive and on the days u feel bad just try and think of somethings that cheer up and and set little goals for that day to try and keep u busy so r not thinking to much as this quite often makes us feel worse. u deserve that big smile for overcoming your anxiety in the shop yesterday so welldone xxx

[mtatum4496]

Thank you, Donna:

I had another mini-victory today. There is a restaurant a friend and I used to eat at in the evenings. The restaurant recently stopped serving an evening meal and now offers only breakfast and lunch.

I wanted to do something special for my friend, so I called the restaurant and ordered two meals containing his favorites, then went over at lunchtime to pick them up.

The restaurant was very crowded, lots of noise and it took a few minutes to wait my turn to pay for the takeaway meals. I was apprehensive, but made it through and even was able to exchange a few pleasant words with the lunch manager. It brought me such a sense of elation to be able to do this simple thing.

I am trying to replace some of the "bad" memories of panic attacks in various places with new and good memories of being in public settings and not having a panic attack, even if the events only last for a few moments like today. I figure diluting the fear with examples of when I emerged victorious can only help with my recovery.