back to work full time
i have returned to work fulltime and i love it.i am in the privalleged position of being a director of my own company running a flourishing recording studio,and i am a composer,as some of you know.the difficulty is that i cant ease myself back in,i have to jump on a very fast moving conveyor belt and get up to pace or risk being left behind,a fear that has eaten away at my confidence since i relapsed in jan 05.so far i am doing very well and have recieved a warm loving welcome from the other directors.they are concentrating on my 'people skills',my ability to manage clients who are voice over artists,many of whom are kids as we are an accredited childrens agency for v/o.this is wonderful as i am able to relate so well to kids,and to shore up their often fragile confidence.the composing work has never been a problem and it is very flattering to hear my work under so many projects.but i am tired,sooooo tired.i often cry on the way home out of sheer exhaustion ,but when i get home i am met by my beloved wife and children and their welcome is like a roaring log fire to a cold man.wish me luck folks as this is the biggest challenge of the last few years and i am determined to prevail.i will never deny what was done to me as a child,but in the same way that you increase the strength of an arched bridge by adding weight,i feel strong and the more i do the more i can do,and i wish to be defined now by my ability,not by what was brutally taken from me as a boy.
i am having an extended period of nightmares,i go through 2 or 3 sets of clothes per night waking up soaked.i then take the girls to school/childminder,walk the 2 miles back,have a rest for an hour,then onto the motorbike and off to work.
i get home about 7 and am in bed by 9.30,after a couple of cold beers!polarise,the name under which i write,has released a new album,release ,called 'nurse predator'and it is a collection of the darkest work i have ever done,documenting my experiences of being raped and beaten,and ,oddly enough,i feel liberated by its nature,it stares right into the face of abuse,and in doing so makes me realise how beautiful life is now,i looked at my wife this morning and it was like seeing an angel,'my god you are the most beautiful girl on this planet'
tears now,warm welcome tears run down my face out of sheer love for my 3 girls,beth,megan and my mig.
whilst i am very engrossed in the routine of work for now,i do not forget you all for one second,and will try to pop in whenever i have a moment at work,i cant even switch the computer on at home now,im so sick of them by the time i return home!
a healing deep ocean of utter love to you all,bless you and keep you safe
ade
kindness will always find its way home
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