The fear that controls my life

[seh1980]

hello fellow panickers,

I have been wanting to write this post pretty much since I joined this site but haven't done as I've been too scared of the answer..am sick of my fear so here goes nothing..Would just like to say that I describe below what some people might consider some pretty scary happenings so if anyone is queasy, please don't read on as I don't want to scare anyone..

As some of you already know, I had a seizure about three and a half years ago. I was in France at the time on a year abroad and it was quite stressful as I'm sure you can imagine. The strange thing was that at the time it didn't really scare me at all. It was a lot more stressful for Ed (my boyfriend) because he saw it happen and had to explain what had happened to the ambulance people. All I know is that I suddenly felt faint and my head started closing in, my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I saw a white light and thought I was dying. I was unconscious and shaking for about a minute and the next thing I knew, I was in an ambulance being rushed to hospital. I had an MRI done and the results came back normal. The doctors decided that I wasn't epileptic and told me that some people can have a seizure once for no reason and that it never happens again..

So, I continued to live my life like normal. It didn't phase me at all. I continued drinking and smoking weed (which I don't anymore by the way) and didn't give it a second thought..

In the summer of 2003, Ed's older brother got married and I dranl far too much at the reception. I shiver everytime I think back to how much I drank that evening. I don't normally drink a lot so my body really couldn't take that amount of alcohol (bottles of wine & champagne). I didn't get much sleep that night and when I woke up the next morning, I drank loads of coffee (I normally drink no coffee). About two hours later, we were sitting in a cafe (this was in Norway by the way) and I suddenly felt that same sensation in my head. Suddenly, my arms and legs started to shake and my eyes were darting around everywhere, but this time I was conscious. At first, we assumed that I had had another seizure as at the time, I didn't even know what a panic attack was. I had all the tests done again and everything came back normal. A doctor in the US put me on meds for epilepsy and I was on them for three months. This is when my life changed. I was suddenly scared of leaving the house. I would get to the corner of the road and have to turn around and go home. I felt anxious the whole time and was too frightened to do anything..It wasn't until I moved upto Durham and went to a doctor here that the notion of panic attacks even came up. A doctor here decided that the second episode had actually been a panic attack, not a seizure..

My problem is that I have all these annoying questions in my head: What if the second episode really was a seizure and not a panic attack? What if I'm really epileptic and have a seizure at any moment? I know that I now suffer from panic attacks..but that could be just a result of my seizures, couldn't it? A day doesn't pass when I don't weight out the pros and cons in my head. I was conscious during the second episode so does that mean it was a panic attack and not a seizure? A mix of alcohol & coffee can cause a panic attack but both of these things can also cause a seizure..I know I shouldn't torture myself like this but I honestly can't help it..

Panic attacks don't scare me, having a seizure really does!! The reason I am writing this now is because I have just heard on the news that someone died as a consequence of an epileptic seizure (which I previously didn't realise was possible) so all these questions and worries have come forward again.

I know none of you are experts or doctors but any advice/suggestions/ideas would be welcome. I can't help thinking that if I were no longer scared of having a seizure, I would no longer have a reason for being anxious.

Sarah [Sigh...]

[nomorepanic]

Sarah

I can understand why you are worried as a seizure is obviously more serious than just a panic attack.

I don't know much about this but is there a test they can do that will prove one way or another whether you have seizures or not.

Sorry I am not much help on this but I do feel for you and I hope you find the answers that you need.

Big hug mate
x


Nicola

[pips]

Hi Sarah,

Poor you hun. It's bound to worry you. Although I don't suffer myself I have seen quite a few seizures due to the nature of my job! (Care Assistant)

As Nic says is there a test that can be done? can you go back to your G.P and voice your concerns and see if there is anything that can be done so you can have a definate answer?

I know my hubby had an odd seizure when he was young and touch wood has never had another since. So that could be the case for you.

I hope something gets sorted for you and you get the reassurance you need!

Take care Hun,

Love PIP'S XX XX

[carlin]

Hi Sarah,
Wow, that blew my mind reading that, i had no idea, forgive me for being ignorant about your circumstances. I'm not at all medically trained, so can not give any advice, but just a sympathetic ear/voice really. Sorry to be of no use what so ever, but can so fully understand how you re feeling. take care xxxxxx

[Meg]

Sarah,

I do agree with the doctor who said the second one was a panic attack. When I was really acute and still made myself go to the USA for a difficult event, I got into bed and I shook from head to foot quite violently for several minutes- scared me to death and then it happened several times more when I was at my other worst times.

I've also witnessed it in another person who was almost unfunctional from panic and I agree to the lay person it looks exactly like a fit. I was with another person then and she thought it was a fit but from my personal and having witnessed many fits during my careerI knew it wasn't.

If all your EEG and MRI came back clear then it is very unlikely you have epilepsy or random fits- there is usually a sign on either scan. The brain doesn't set off a fit for no reason at all.

Epileptic people do learn to carry on with their lives despite this hanging over them and as most people with chronic illnesses they learn to cope with their particular foibles and they lead responsible forfilling lives.

One option to help maybe if you had a chat with someone who has had epilepsy and coped well with it over many years. I'm sure one of the epilepsy support groups could help but anothet strategy would be better for you if you managed to ignore it and actively tried to put it back far in the past where it belongs.

Its not an easy issue but one that you do need to find peace with.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[seh1980]

Nic - I didn't know that test existed. Could be a good idea to do it - but what if unwanted results come back?

Carlin - thanks for listening - means a lot.

Pips - I am going to see my GP today so will try to talk to him about it. Fingers crossed that my seizure was just a one-off too.

Meg - thank you for saying that the second one was probably just a panic attack. You're not a doctor but you're usually right and I trust you more than I do more doctors!! You have no idea how relieved you have made me feel!! I think that putting it all in the past where it belongs is definitely what I need to do. I feel so much better already since reading your post last night..

[lainey]

Hi Sarah

Glad you are feeling better since Meg's very informative post, it's hard for us anxiety sufferers to put the past where it belongs-i.e. in the past but it's the only way we can move forward.
Hope fully, now you have told everyone about it after wanting to for a long time, it will help you to move forward.
I, too think that the second episode was a panic attack and as all your tests came back normal you probably are not suffering with epilepsy.
Panic and anxiety affect us all in many different ways, but you are doing so well having come off your medication so I'm sending some positive ,forward thinking vibes your way.

Hope this helps

Take care

Elaine x

[seh1980]

Thanks for that Lainey - I need all the positive vibes I can get!!

[sal]

Hi Sarah

You have told me this before but now i wish we had talked more about it mate as i dont want you worrying. I know how hard it has being for you and to see you doing so well at the moment is only admiration from me but if you want to meet up and talk about this i will anytime. I dont want to see you suffer like this, i might not have the answers but sharing it with a friend will help hun.

Get in touch and we can meet up okay and hope i can help you.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[seh1980]

hi Sal,

Thanks for that hun. I normally try to put it in the back of my mind as thinking about it tends to make me worry even more but maybe this has been the wrong way of going about it, huh? Would love to talk about it hun..

Went to see GP yesterday and she reckons I might have to come off St. John's because it has given me a rash and makes my tummy feel upset..am not sure what to do now as I have just started to feel a little better..how typical..

Sarah