New member seeks advice and is struggling

[sunbeam]

Hi Everyone

I'm really sinking and just don't know which way to turn. I have suffered anxiety and depression due to an abusive childhood.

I have recently met an amazing man and we have been together 7 months.
My anxiety started to get bad once I fell in love, this is due to my fear of love and hurt due to my childhood.

I went onto citalopram at the beginning of the relationship and my anxiety and depression increased. My doctor kept putting my doses of Citalopram up from 10mg and eventually up to 40mg. My partner said everytime I went up a dose I got worse.

I have now started to come of citalopram, gradually, but feel equally as bad.
My thought are so distorted, mainly regarding my relationship.

Even though my partner has been a rock and says he isn't giving up on me, I am convinced this relationship is doomed and that regardless of what he says its going to end.

He has started to tell me that if things don't work out he will always be there for me. That is feeding my anxiety and it's almost as if it's becoming a self fulfilling prophercy. He has said he is only thinking of things not working out because its almost as if sometimes I have convinced my self things are over.

My biggest anxiety now is that when the citalopram is out of my system, what kind of person will be left. At the moment I feel as if I am a scared rabbit caught in the head lights and I'm going to be like this forever.

I am having counsilling, although I have just started. I am under the mental health team too. They want to put me on another anti-depressant but my partner and I are a little dubious of then due to the terrible effects they have had on me.

I am so scared that this isn't the citalopram withdrawal, this is the real broken me and my relationship wont last.

I would love everyones advice and have seen how amazing and supportive people are on here. Please help!!!

Many Thanks

Sunbeam

[marie1974]

hi sunbean and welcome, im sorry u are feelin so down and your childhood sounds horrid but from wot u say u have met a wonderful man and wonderful men are the ones we need to keep close hun. i have one of these too. i know because u feel so alone and afraid you probably are feeling alittle like running and find it hard to really commit yourself and to also tell yourself that this mayb the perfect relationship for u cos u love this person and he really does love you but if u are heppy hun please try and trust him and go with this. we have to trust in our life and let people look after us otherwise we will be even more lonely. u sound lucky to have him and i think him saying if it dont work he will always be there for u is him probably being worried because of how u r acting or feeling. from experience i would let him in and share things with him, go for walks together and just be there for each other, continue with your counselling cos it will really help and at some point mayb if u can take him along too cos it will help u both to understand each other. im sure if u both are happy it will work hun and here u will get lots of advice and support. my hubby had abusive childhood and his mother beat him bad all the time, it really affected him but we now been together 16 years and i really understand him and protective of him and im lucky cos he is lovely.

[sunbeam]

Ah thank you Donna. It's so nice to be able to get support on here. I am going to start to try and get a grip, although it's hard sometimes.
Nice to know that you and your partner have been together for 16 years, that really gives me hope. Did you both have some difficult times due to his past?

Many thanks and big hugs.

Sunbeam.
xx

[kellie]

Hiya Sunbeam, to nmp its lovely to have you here.
You will get lots of support/advice/reasurance and make some great friends along the way.
Im sorry you are feeling so down and lost at the moment and that you have all these negative feeling reguarding you relationship with what sounds like a wonderful man
Anxiety hun is an expert at makeing us see the negative in EVERYTHING, and depression can give us the false sense that NOTHING is worth while as everything fails anyway.
You were taking meds for a while, how long where you takeing then for?
some meds can make you feel worse before they help the situation,and if your doc was upping the dose a lot then your body was having to ajust all the time.
everyone is diff but some meds can take up to 8 wks to start having a good effect and can give you some nasty side effects along they way.
I think you doubts about your relation ship is your inabilaty to belive you are worthy of love due to your childhood. Have you ever tried CBT theropy as well as your counselling to help you get a grip of this thinking? it can be very effective with the negative thinking. Keep posting to us hun and we will help and asure you as much as we can

take care

kellie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[sunbeam]

Thank you Kellie.
I have been on Citalopram for 7 months and had no real sense of feeling better. I became really bad when I was on 40mg and was on that dose for about 9 weeks and nothing.
I do know I am coming off them quite quickly. I went from 40-20mg for about 2 weeks, then to 10mg for a week then off.
I'm just hoping that my deep dark feelings of failiure and negative thoughts are due to the withdrawal. What scares me though is if I'm still going to be like this when they are completely out of my system.
My couselling is incorperated with CBT and psychoanalysis, only had two sessions so can't really feel the effects yet.

Just feels like I am never going to be better, ever again at this point, and l'm going to lose the one thing that really matters to me, my partner. Just to let you know that I am 37 years old and this is the first non abusive relationship i have been in, which makes things even more harder to deal with.
I will keep you all posted with my progress.
Thanks again Kellie.

Sunbeam xx

[kellie]

Hiya again hun
I can see you are doing a lot to help yourself get over this
and i can also you have been through a lot.
You are in early sessions yet with your counselling and cbt so plz give it time.
I know it can be helpful to be with ppl who are understanding and loveing and sympathetic towards what you are going through
but it is even better to be amongst ppl who have a good understanding of what you are feeling thinking and experianceing and can give you feed back on how to help yourself
you are in the right place here and will deffo get lots of support.

kellie.xxxxxx

[Lindalou64]

Hello Sunbeam And Welcome To The Site.....wish Ya Well......linda

[lindsey1996bret]

Hi Sunbeam (or anyone suffering with panic or anxiety).
I would like to share some information which may help some of you with your problems. Panic and anxiety are problems, and remember that problems can be solved, there are ways out! I began having panic attacks twelve months ago and been to the A & E because I was convinced thatI was going to die. I also suffer with everday anxiety where I struggle to breathe and have an overwhelming fear that something is going to happen to me. Lately I started fighting this unfortunate condition. I have started reading self help books on panic and anxiety whilst taking 10mg of citalopram. The way out of the problem is to relax, think positively and tell yourself that you are not mentally ill, and you are not going to die! Spend an hour a day relaxing and thinking positive thoughts. We need to re-programme our minds regularly, eventually the positive thoughts we repeat to ourselves eventually remain in the mind and the panic and anxiety decreases. I have been reading Paul Mckenna's books and listening to his self-help cd's. The cd's teach you how to think positively and look at your life. Have you ever realised that when you haven't had a panic attack for a while but begin to think about it... more often than not you will experience one that day? The negative thoughts that plague your mind are the reason behind all your anxieties and panic. I am still suffering but have improved the past few weeks by adapting this method. If yo thing bad things then bad things will happen, if you think good things then good things will happen. Your health will be fine if you believe you will be fine and your relationship will be perfect if you belive it will be. Good luck and I hope my advice will help you and others.
Be positive, you are in control of your life - take control now...be positive!

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Sunbeam,

Welcome to the site. Many here will understand how you are feeling and you will get support.

Take care,

Laura

[Nechtan]

Hi Sunbeam,

Welcome to NMP.

I agree with lindsey1996bret in that self help books do make a difference. I've got Paul McKenna's Instant Confidence book and found that along with the CD which comes with it helps change your attitude in a positive direction. Not that I am without panic or anxiety but I feel I am coping better than I used to.

As well as that I found that reading about what is happening to you helps enormously. I read something that explained in a detailed and reassuring way what your body is doing. Up until that point no one had actually explained to me why and once I understood it helped. Basically that althought the sensations are foreign to us there are meant to protect us rather than harm us- and they won't harm us. It's the unknown that is scarey so this knowledge explained the correct way can really bring some ressurance.

Armed with understanding and a positive outlook is as good a way as any to set out.

All the best

Nechtan