My depression is harming my relationship

[sunbeam]

I have been in an amazing relationship. the things that dreams are made of. Then my depression hit and hit bad. I became co-dependant on my partner. Crying nearly every day, anxiety attacks.
All the things we have talked about, our dreams for the future aren't there anymore, instead we are talking about the fact things may not work out.

I am finally on an AD that seems to be working and things are calming down. I am having CBT too. The relationship is only young not even a year old.

I feel it has damaged things and we will never get back to where we were a few months ago, loving and passionate.

It's all very sad.

Sunbeam
xxxxxxx

[Lilith1980]

Hey Sunbeam

I was in your position up until about 3 months ago and it will turn around honey

I moved to live with my boyfriend (we had been together 8 months at that point) and my anx went through the roof. I felt so alone and dependent on him. If he went away with work I cried, if he went out alone with his friends I cried. I felt worthless and insecure.

It's good you are having CBT hun - have you had counselling as well? Counselling was what really kick-started my road to recovery and I know its not for everyone but it allowed me to look deeper at myself and where these insecurities came from.

I have been living with my b/f for a year now and its really since the counselling that I decided to make the move to improve my life. I got out of a job I hated, made new friends and now I am a lot less dependent on my boyfriend and our relationship is so much better for it.

In fact the other week he said he had seen such a change in me. He said it annoyed him that I used to be so dependent but now, I dont seem to need him much and that worries him lol.

You will get better honey. Keep up the good work with the CBT, if you work at it, things will get better. If your relationship is strong, it will get through this.

Me and my boyfriend had joint counselling as well which really helped - maybe you could consider this?

Jo xxxxx

[sunbeam]

Hey Jo
God it's so good to hear someone say that, because I am still at the tale end of my anxiety/depression I guess Im still seeing things a little black and white. We have only been together for 7 months and I moved in with him in June this year, and boom!!! My depression set in like an atomic bomb, due to my past I have a fear of getting close to people.

I feel it has damaged us some what but when the depression is tackled will it all fall back in place.

How close where you to ending the relationship?

Did your partner find it too much sometimes?

I am like you, cry when he goes out with his friends and in turn I haven't been out due to my social anxiety. Did you go on AD's to help too?

Lots of love

Sunbeam
xxxxxxxx

[milly jones]

ive been married for 17 years and anx has but extreme pressure on my relationship.

the not understanding and not knowing what to do frustrates both of us.

no matter what i suggest its hard for my hb to empathise with me.

i find it really hard to talk about it now to him without feeling a failure or weak, or worse judged.

he does know what to say anymore either.

the hosp have suggested couple counselling to help support us.

i think sometimes the person i was before the illness can never return, and my hb has to accept that i may never be that person again.

sorry to be so negative

milly xx

[Lilith1980]

How close where you to ending the relationship?

Did your partner find it too much sometimes?

Did you go on AD's to help too?

xxxxxxxx

Well at one point I was incredibly close - but that was because a "friend" of my boyfriend's had caused rows between us. As for the anx, I was fretting for ages about whether I should continue with the wedding plans (we get married in 4 weeks) and I delayed buying certain things because I just didnt know what to do.

My boyfriend found it incredibly hard and through joint counselling we established that his frustration was because he couldnt help me. He could see I was suffering but couldnt understand why because I guess in his eyes, everything was ok. He wanted to offer answers but couldnt and thats why he would get angry. We worked a lot on our communication and we are a lot better now. I dont hold things in and let them build up (which I used to) and I talk to him rather than accusing him of things which was because I used to let things run through my mind for long periods before talking to him.

I seriously considered ADs but I used to have an eating disorder and was incredibly frightened of weight gain. I have been recovered from my eating disorder for about 2 years now but I am still pretty weird about my weight. I didnt want to chance it to be honest. Silly I know, but I got to this "better" place without them.

I think ADs can help in the short term, for me personally though it was all about what was going on in my head, my core beliefs about myself and like you, thinking very black and white. The black and white, all or nothing, thinking is what made me so uptight for so long. Now I have "loosened" that somewhat and am so much happier for it

xxxxx

[kendo59]

Wow, that OP could have been written by me (or my partner).
We've been together for 4 years, and 18 months ago were planning a wedding and emigrating. Then my 'breakdown' happened and my whole world turned upside down. A lot of frustrations and insecurities crept into our relationship, leading to snapping at each other & arguments, which added to the stress/anxiety/depression, and it became a vicious circle.
It got to the stage where she would pick fault, nag & criticise, and say she'd be better off away from me, and I would scream at her to F** and leave me alone then.
Thankfully, during more peaceful moments, we are able to talk more rationally, and even though we both now accept that life has thrown us a curve-ball and interfered with our schedule, the plans are basically still the same, but with an amended time-scale. It is going to take a bit longer than we had originally planned. We joke that we still have the same destination, but we've taken a diversion along the 'scenic route', which might take us longer to get there, but we will get there, together.

[moonmoo]

Hi guys,
I think i'm the otherside.
My girlfriend suffers from depression and has anxiety problems. It is causing us problems. It's hard to express but from my side I know I should show patience and understanding but it fails to come.
Ours is avery young relationship (7 months) and at no point did Caroline hide her illness. Her honesty is one of the things I initially fell in love with.
Naively I said I could handle it, I can support her. In my eyes we had found each other, we fell in love, problems solved...however it doesn't work that way. So now we're having problems she's moved 250 miles to live with me and now can't get a job this adds to her anxiety and she beats herself up all the time and it drains all motivation out of her. I work a lot and now theres this huge divide between her as she puts pressure on herself yet is still ill motivated. I feel fustrated because I cannot help at all and everything I say or do makes it worse.
And the worst part of it all is I know my baggage is what makes me impatient, paranoid and intolerant to my own unhappiness.
I'm stuck guys. I love her very much but it hurts to be with her. It will get better I know but how to handle the hard times now?
We want children but I'm unsure if thats a good thing to happen right now.
I just want to love her forever and make everything right but I guess thats not up to me
Thanks for listening sorry to be a nuisance
Milky

[sunbeam]

Thanks for all your replies. Moon Moo, I really feel for you!!!

me and my partner have been together only 7 months and we were really loved up and enjoying the honeymoon period. Then when I moved in, BANG!!!! all my insecurities of getting close to someone exsploded and caused serious depression.

Is your girlfriend getting support from a GP or mental health team?

This will help and take a lot of pressure off of you.

I understand it hurts when these challenges seem to damage a relationship and you always fear the worst.

Try to get her some support and also have some time for your self. relationships are always changing. If the love is strong it will carry you both but try not to develope a co-dependant relationship like you are her carer more than her boyfriend as this will damage things, this is why she needs to get help.

In my position we both love each other and we are going to try our best to make things work, and they may, but you must always keep one foot on the ground knowing things might not. If you have that realistic view in mind it takes the pressure off and things are more likely to succeed.

Hope this helps.

Thanks guys for your stories too, keep them coming.

Love Sunbeam xxxxxx

[Kim888]

I totally feel for all of you. My depression kicked in at 10 months of our relationship, complete with anxiety attacks about EVERYTHING. Of course we (like everyone) had had some minor problems, and some major issues, but we worked them out.

My biggest problem was in my mind - we had been so in love I had not even known I could feel like that, and one day I woke up and didn't know what I felt for him. again it was the black and white thinking, I am only 20, can I be with him forever?

We've made it to 16 months and some times have been worse than others (I almost broke up with him on holiday with my family during one particuarly bad attack) but it's true that you have to have one foot on the ground, it really does take the pressure off. i know I love him, living without him would be awful, but sometimes it's hard to remember that.

I also did not take any mediciene, scared of how bad I might be when I have to come off it. Does it really help? Has anyone ever felt like this... has anyone had it really go away??

[mysweetshadow]

Hi Guys and Girls, im having similar problems myself. I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have 3 kids together, but after 2 years together i became an agoraphobic suffering from depression and anxiety also.
For the past 3 years now I have been soley dependent on my g/f, who also has to look after our children too. Lately we moved home to be closer to shops, in hope that it would give me the drive to go out of my home and start helping out with the weekly shopping. For about 4 weeks i was able to find the courage to go out and help with the shopping. But, after trying to see a CBT consultant I took a turn for the worst again.
After having a bad day, I tried to go out the next but I found myself back to my old self. With a panic attack in the middle of a shopping car park, it brought back all of my unhappy thoughts and how I felt before we moved home.
Now for the last month I have been sitting at home really depressed and at times feeling very lifeless. I have been taking meds, but all they do is calm my thoughts down a notch.
Basically I feel that I do not deserve to be in my relationship any more, that I am letting my partner down big time. 70% of me wants to give up and walk away, because I feel that if I wasn't living with my partner no more, it would make her life so much easier and I wouldn't be there hanging over her shoulder anymore. On the other hand we have 3 young children to think about, and I dont want to let them down, because from my child hood I know how hard it can be to grow up in a single parent family. Also the other thing stopping me from walking away is my Agoraphobia, im afraid of how i would react to living on my own, I have been so dependent on my partner it scares me to thing about being lonely (this mainly makes me feel like doing self harm, but i've always been against it.).

Can anyone advise me PLEASE I really need help.....

Thanks In Advance