THIS IS ME

[sal]

Just wanted to post on here to explain why i feel i can help people and to relay my story with no inhibitions about who i really am.

Fitrstly Nic trusted me to be an administrator which i was really hounered to feel she trusted me so much.

So now i feel i can tell you all about me and why i know how you or some of you feel.

I have clutched my heart and wanted it all to end, i have looked at my daughter and wanted to stop being a mother, I have hit the bottom where no one could pull me out of it apart from Sam (my daughter)

I can honsestly say this illness took over my life and her dad who she doesnt get on with had to take her as i couldnt cope. It made me worse but i had no choice but to resign myself to the fact that i couldnt be a mother. His girlfriend at the time took over from me and that hurt but seeing or hearing Sams voicd scared me to where i couldnt breath.

That pain killed me and i let someone down who depended on me for nothing more than trust and love. I was scared to be near her in case i lost it and hurt her, imagine wanting to hurt something that gave you the reason to live.

At times it still gets to me but i hold on to how much i love her and how she has kept me going and this post is from the heart and probably the most honest one i have done.

Maybe i sound shallow, but i achieved what i needed to and that was to trust in my love for Samantha and not let anxiety dictate how i feel. But again it did last night so in panic i shut her bedroom door and mine so i couldnt be near her and thought about taking a disazepam but i wanted to fight it alone and did and although i didnt sleep my thoughts went away. She woke up through the night which she never does but i believe that was to test me and yet again i cuddled her and wont let this beat me.

This isnt a positive post i know that but it is one that i wanted to share with you all. I advise people and it is only through experience and through caring but it is time that i should be honest and tell it how it is for me at the moment.

It isnt good and i am having those horrible thoughts and i truly would prefer to be dead than think them. Sam is my life and if i ever let her down i wont forgive myself.

Being honest and just wanted people to see i am human and not coping.


Any adivce on site i give is from the heart and to help those who suffer but maybe after reading this you will all want to dismiss me.

Although ashamed about how i feel i will post it as its time for me to be honest and that is the least i can do.

No longer is the brave face after what has happpened at work this last week.



Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.

[Sarah-Jane]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwww hugs Sal an honest post and loads of respect to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love & Hugs from Sarah-Jane xxxx

[Meg]

Sal,

**Although ashamed about how i feel**

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of . The thoughts as we all know are a integral part of this disorder and as you say - none have ever happened even when you thought **I was scared to be near her in case i lost it and hurt her,** You are too good a mother for it ever to take place.

Thoughts not instructions

Thoughts that you fear will not come to pass

They are simply thoughts that come and go. By shutting your doors but staying in the situation last night and dealing it upfront shows you how in control you are and why all these illusions will never happen.

In reality, you are probably one of the safest mothers around. Just remember how well you dealt with her allergy ..

Maybe after reading this you will all want to dismiss me.- Err why , you're just like the rest of us have been or still are . Who better to help others ?

Love

Meg

[mumof4]

I have 3 kids 1 a baby at 5 months 1 at 5 and at 9, I know how u feel when it comes to kids, I dont know how old ur daughter is.

My kids dont know anything about my problems but what hurts the most if they want to go out sometimes and although im alot better some days are just not that good and i have to let them down cause i cant go out now that hurts.

I also push them away and i dont kow how sometimes when they come to me and talk i tell themto get lost and now im starting to feel like a bad mother and that i dont care about my kids but i do i love them loads but sometimes i feel like i cant cope with them.

I wonder to myself what they will think when they grow up will they think i loved them or not.

[seh1980]

aaawwww Sal we would NEVER want to get rid of you hun!!! You are the best person to give advice and wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world. Thanks for sharing

[LisaS]

hi Sal,

I feel honoured that you have had the strength to be completely honest from your heart. And what a heart! it is huge! Not only are you having your own problems to deal with, you are still on hand to offer your advice to me and others who are also struggling. This just goes to show what a strong character you have and how your advice means more to us than anything exactly knowing that you are going through it to. So please dont stop because we need you.
You have given me some great advice lately which I and many others take on board and repeat it and think of it throughout the day to help get us through it.

Thank you for everything. I think you are very brave and a wonderful mother who always puts her daughter first.

Please keep smiling

Lisa
xxx

[jill]

Hi Sal

I must admit your post brougjt a tear to my eyes. This disorder can be sooo horrible at times:( As you know my daughter suffered PA aniaty for a long time and then some one decided to show me what she had been going through. One night on holiday after my 4th PA that night I heard my daughter crying I looked around and she was sitting in the cormer of the room with fear in her eyes. My first thought was I was going to hurt her bacause at that time I was having a PA myself. She screamed at me "make it go away" in the past befor my PA I could deal with this and would always be able to calm her. This night I found it very hard the thoughts that where going through my head where horrible.
I wanted to share that with you because I know now that these thoughts are all part of this disorder and that they are only thoughts.
This site and the special people on her have showm me that, and you are one of those special people.
You are a good mother Sal and a kind caring person. You take time out to help other people.
You and the other special people have made me what I am today and that is feeling better. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The advice you give is priceless and I know that in time you too can learn how to feel better.

TAKE CARE LOVE AND A BIG HUG JILLXX

MAY YOUR TROUBLE BE LESS
AND YOUR BLESSING BE MORE
AND NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS
COME THROUGH YOU DOOR.

[bluesparkle]

hi sal..
i have read your post several times this morning and gone to reply but its a bit difficult through all the tears... !
i dont find putting things into words very easy but i know i struggle with my kids when my illness is bad.... i want them away from me and dont want to be a mum anymore...god thats awful to say isnt it...but i know its the illness not me
i know that i love them very much and wouldnt want to be without them but at the moment i am grateful when they are out... i just keep pushing them away at the moment.. and i also feel that i am a bad mother... they need me especially beth and if im honest they are whats kept me going when i have been at my lowest...
you will never let sam down you are far stronger than that ... i have read your other posts and i think you are great the advice you give both myself and others is good and definately from the heart you are a good person...
this site has taught me to be honest and that how i feel is nothing to be ashamed of
rach x
ps yes that number is my mobile so please text if you like

[nomorepanic]

Sal

Thanks for sharing this. You had mentioned in the past that you thought that you would hurt Sam but I knew that you would never do anything to hurt her as you just don't have it in you.

You are a great mother and a lovely person and you will continue to get stronger each day.

I appreciate all that you do on the forum and maybe I don't say it enough but a Big Thanks to you for all you do on here.

Big hug mate [:P]
xxxxx

Nicola

[carlin]

Hi Sal,
Not too good at handing out advice, your post made me cry, you are a good mum, these are thoughts, you have had them before and managed ok, and probably will have them again, and be ok. you have had a tough time recently and this has brought back these awful feelings, i so respect you for being honest, keep in touch, and please keep handing out advicexxxxxxxxx