ANGER

[Franz]

Kendo,

After what you've been through I'm not surprised you get these pangs of anger. People have different reactions to adversity and like you, mine is anger, so I understand what it's like.

Have you no idea why your son has turned on you? Is he your son by your ex-wife who died last year? If so - and I emphasise this is only a possibility that entered my head, I may be miles out - is it possible that on some irrational level he blames you for her death? That sort of thing is not uncommon. A few years ago my aunt died of cancer, and my grandmother became consumed with rage towards my aunt's widower.

Digging yourself out of a psychological hole is a long process and I know from experience that there are no quick fixes, so I won't ply you with platitudes. You definitely need contact with people who understand and sympathise and don't judge you. I've made a small number of good online friends on NMP, and while it's not the same as face-to-face contact, it has been a big help at times. Feel free to PM me.

Regards,

F

[kendo59]

Thanks for all the replies.

Jaco45, I know you are right, but it's so difficult. I just feel so totally bewildered and upset at the way my son has cut me out of his life. I can't make any sense out of it. I did nothing to deserve it, I was always a good dad. My overriding emotions 99% of the time when I sit and brood (which I catch myself doing a lot) are a combination of despair/confusion/disappointment/helplessness/anger.. which in turn leads to deep depression & anxiety/stress. I sometimes can muster up the willpower to walk out into the garden, do some weeding,cut the grass, prune the hedge, which does take my mind off things.

Donna, I am so much hoping the counselling will help somehow. I fear my relationship with my partner may not survive otherwise.

GrannyPrimark, thanks for your words, it seems we do have a lot in common with our respective situations. I also feel the overwhelming despair/bewilderment/confusion as to why my son has turned his back on me in such an abrupt and hostile manner. Maybe the whole 'anger' side is a 'man thing', it's how we sometimes deal with feeling so frustrated & helpless. I dunno. I also have 6 counselling sessions (3 down & 3 to go) and although I'm trying to keep an open mind and hoping it will help in some way to give me a way to understand/cope with the situation, I'm afraid my experience of counselling may be the same as yours.
It's my son's 21st b'day soon, and then he'll be graduating from university. I was so much looking forward to being a part of that, to be able to put my arm around him, give him a hug, and tell him how proud I am... but I doubt he'll even want me there, which will widen the gulf between us even more.

Francis, yes, it was my son's mother who passed away last year. She & I split up when he was about 5, but we always lived nearby & always tried to keep a close civil relationship, spending birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, christmas, etc together as a family. He & I used to spend a lot of time together, every weekend when he was younger doing stuff - swimming, pictures, days out, go on ski holidays each year together, etc. I was always available to take his mum to/from hospital, often visitied her, was always just a phone call away if she needed anything, etc. I always thought my son & I had a great relationship. The way he has suddenly turned his back on me has left me completely stunned & bewildered. I've tried asking him, emailing him, explaining how hurt & upset this is making me, asking why is he being like this, what is going on... he refuses to acknowledge or reply to any messages, other than the time he stated that he doesn't want to see me and wants no contact. I have no idea why. I just wish he would talk to me, yell at me, call me all the names under the sun if that's how he felt... anything would be better than this callous indifferent silence.

[Jaco45er]

I just noticed you mentioned he is 21 chap.

Well you know that's still young, and he probably needs to grow up some more.

I wager in the future he will miss his old man and wave the olive branch.

My old man used to knock me about when he was in one when I was a lad, but even after a fall out for a while, we are mates again (the moaning faced bugger).

Good luck chap, just give it time

[titchjd]

Hi Kendo sorry 2 hear u feeling so low
I totally understand how u feel .....a few years ago I was a Deputy Manager of a Nursery after studying very hard at college in a relationship that was good and had money ........now few years on Im a single mom after 15year relationship ended working part time in a supermarket (unable 2 work at mo ) suffering anxiety panic attacks and agoraphobia and i get so angry and frustrated ..ive neva really been an angry person ..im a joker who likes a good laff but sometyms I get so angry I cud hit sumthing .....i had a disagreement with collegue at work and b4 id have been professional and calm ..yet i went in 2 rage like mad woman and was shoutin at her and everything ....thats just not me .

Do try and stick with the counselling as with out you knowin it might be helping ..i know thats sounds hard wen u still feel so crap but you have been through alot and your body has learnt how 2 feel anxious frustrated etc so its just got 2 learn something else . I have been off a month now and no further 4ward and get soo cross but as i had beakdown i suppose it will take me longer 2 get better .
I dont know the issues with your son m8 and it must be very hard but concentrate on you and nothing else may sound selfish but until you are better you cant sort other issues out .
I hope you are ok m8 and remember you arent on yr own any tym u need 2 let off steam about how u feel just message xx
Take care
Titch xxx

[pooh]

HI Kendo!

The only time I felt the kind of pure rage you describe has been when i am right down there in the throes of depression. Not through anxiety or panic which I developed later in life.

I dont know if this will help for the future but when i get angry now this phrase will come into my head... 'HARNASS THE ANGER". I genuinely cannot say how I learned to do this but its what i do now . If I get that angry I take the vast amount of energy produced and make it productive. For example when i was unemployed i used to get furious all the time and when i was furious thats when i did most of my phoning filling in applications searching the net and going the job centre ect. I knew the cause of the anger ands and used the energy of the anger towards finding a solution.
I appreciate this is far easier to do with things like jobs rather than relationships, but the same rules can apply.
I hope somehow things begin to work out for you

Pooh xx