Am I a Freak of Nature?

[Horse]

Forgive me, but I am not really too sure as to which forum to post this but being as it does cover Anxiety in general, here it is.

As a sufferer for about 40 years, I would say that now is the rock bottom! I have always had the little signs of an Anxiety 'victim' over the years such as the nausea, upset stomach, panicky what ifs, blotchy skin, etc etc. But now, for the past 6 months, I find I now have the lot all at once.

Some of you who know me, will be well aware that I live alone after my wife and stepson left me 8 years ago, something which I still can't believe or accept and move on from. Until recently she has been in contact with me on a regular basis such as calling or texting once a week. Now for some reason, she/they want nothing to do with me and the 'rejection' button has been pressed again. I have few friends, no family who keep in touch since my mothers death 6 years ago. Basically, my biggest fear of being alone has happened.

I cannot go out of an evening because of Agorophobia (although not severe, it is enough to inhibit a trip to the pub) incase I get ill. Every morning I awake with panic feelings and Hypochondria leading to having to take days of work because of upset stomach or nausea. My appetite is virtually non exsistent. My weight is down to about 9 stones (never been much anyway, but I was 10 1/2). I have to apply cortisone cream to areas of my face because it gets blotchy if I dont. My skin is very dry so I constantly need to apply moisturiser about 3 or 4 times a day. The other thing is I'm ashamed of my body. I have a sunken chest and is made to look worse by being skinny.

My point is, who would want me even if I could go out and meet someone? If I were an actor in a horror movie, I wouldn't need any make up! I am miserable most of the time because of my loneliness and loss.

I have so much love to give. I see beauty in all things. I adore children and animals. My phobias restrict me and keep me housebound.........a recluse in a world of pain and self torture. I find myself thinking........'have I done something wrong and i am now being punished'........I don't know.

I have faced the fact that I must be a 'freak of nature'.........hideous and unloved!

Thank you for reading. May God bless you.

Kevin.

[kazzie]

Hi Kevin

Your post left me in tears

You are not a freak or anything like it

You sound to me like a truly lovely guy

The thing is with this condition either you control it, or it controls you

Why not try a trip to the pub??? You can always leave if its too much but you never know you might enjoy it

Believe you me I know what you are going thru but try and live dont anticipate the anxiety

I was once housebound for 18 months now Im ok most of the time

Chin up and PM me if you like

Kaz x

[marie1974]

hiya horse, hope u well not seen u about for a while. you are way to hard on yourself hun and how u see yourself is not how others see you matey. try and face your fears as hard as they are and mayb counselling etc? i know its hard but u trully can get there. you sound lovely and there is a life waiting for u once u feel better, we are all here at nmp to support you. hugs xxx

[mothermac]

Never Never think you are a freak Kevin because you are not,Even though I have never met you you seem very like myself.I have always been shy,introverted,insecure etc even though my parents loved me.My father died when I was 11 and this made it worse. I have had a domineering mother who loves me but try's to control me as I am an only child and she is alone now having not met anyone else after his death.

I was lucky to marry a lovely man who lived not far from me and who went to the same school.He has had a troubled childhood too after his mother told him she didn't love him and should not have had him. She hit him when he was small and has been a nightmare to him over the years,she told him he would never amount to much and took away his confidence.
He is a business developement manager now highly respected by his colleagues.he has friends who like him very much and I love him a great deal.He has a daughter with me and here is a man who was told he wouldn't amount to much,don't believe anything people tell you that pulls you down and don't pull yourself down.your wife and son will have their reasons for treating you this way but they are wrong and should try and see your point ofview. Take up a hobby or something,anything to take your mind off negative thinking as I suffer from anxiety terribly and my thought patterns can bring my panic attacks on.It's a shame you suffer from Agrophobia but try and get out of the house every day even for 10 minutes.it's amazing what a change of scenery can do.
We can't make people like or love us but that is the beauty of free will that all humans have,but it doesn't mean we have to go to peices over it it just means that they are not on our wavelength and are different to us.
I hope you soon feel better and don't forget you are NOT! A FREAK you are you an individual who is unique and who deserves a good life.

[gel]

First off Kevin I have only read your top post.
Second I can really see where you are coming from.
Tonight I do not have the time to post the reply I would like to post , but I will post a response to yours tomorrow and if I only get time to post once it will be here.
I am new here and I guess they have a private message system so if my post hits on anything you want to talk about pm me. I am open and very honest and my forthcoming post will reflect that , until then hang on in there mate all the best. Gel

[Horse]

Once again there will always be someone on here who will answer and give words of comfort and support. If only we all lived in the same road!!!

Kazzie.
Please forgive me for bringing tears to your eyes. Maybe I should take up writing romantic novels. I thank you for your words and encouragement.

Donna.
Yes, I agree, I guess I do beat myself with the psychological stick too much.
Unfortunately, I have just finished a 10 week course of CBT only to discover that the therapist was not generally a CB therapist. Another waste of bloody time. Anyway, nice to get support from you as always.

Mothermac.
Your story although sad has given me hope and taken the edge off my sadness. I know there is always hope, it's just that sometimes this long and winding road is plagued by pain and cruelty on every corner. Thank you for your reply and kind words.

Ok, perhaps now I'm not so much of a freak.
Bye the way, anyone know where I can buy a three-sleeved sports jacket and a nice pair of size 27 (UK) brown shoes........preferably both left footed!

[Horse]

Gel.
Thanks for the post. I will look forward to hearing from you.
Kevin.

[marie1974]

u r def NOT a freak hunny, u r lovely like all of us here and things will improve. i went through a faze of being scared to feel happy as i knew something would go wrong as usual, cos it usually does with me, but u cant think like that else u would be so negative all the time that only bad stuff would happen. set yourself tiny goals everyday, make a sticker chart and reward yourself a gold star for you acheivements, how ever silly they may seem. it will make u feel good. i know a few people who have done this.
stay strong kevin and keep trying with the cbt. huge hugs xxx

[sheba2]

Hi Kevin

I was really sad to read your post and I know how difficult it is living with this condition. You really are not a freak and in your reply post I loved your sense of humour.

Have you considered doing something like dog walking for your local dogs home. You say you love animals and this would get you out and about. It is also amazing how many people talk to someone when they have a dog with them. Most dog homes rely heavily on volunteer walkers.

I think you need to tell yourself some positive thoughts. Don't concentrate on the points you are not happy with start working on the good ones. Like I am a kind person. I care about people. I have a great sense of humour. I have sparkly eyes/cute ears/nice fingers or whatever you can think of. Say these positive things to yourself as often as possible.

Remember that all of us think you are great.

[pooh]

Hi Kevin

this may sound like an odd suggestion but have you considered grief counselling. Sometimes grief comes very much from the living and the demise of a marriage can be just as traumatic as a death in terms of sense of loss and how you recover and move on from it.

Otherwise. I hope you find some peace

Take care

Pooh x