How can I help my friend?

[Littlefluffycloud]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice on how I could help my friend who suffers with social anxiety. I am the only person she seems to spend anytime socialising with and even then we just end up sitting in her house because she is too afraid to go anywhere. Recently she has started to say very hurtful things to me about how I look and what I say etc. It is upsetting me very much, especially when I am so patient and understanding with her. I suffer from anxiety myself, and have pretty low self esteem, which she is aware of, and it's really having an impact on me and my anxiety is worsening. I really want to help her but I'm not sure how and I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with the comments. I have told her she is upsetting me but she doesn't think she has said anything wrong. I'm pretty sure it is related to her social anxiety so I don't want to fall out over it. Does anyone have any advice?

Lots of hugs

xxx

[kendo59]

Hmmm... try not to take her comments personally. When she makes a hurtful comment, stop her and ask her immediately WHY she says/thinks that and if it is really necessary for her to say those things. Try to remain calm & objective and not take it to heart.
It may be that she is unaware of what she is saying or how it is 'coming out'. It may be that she is simply hurt and lashing out at you because you are her best friend and someone she feels she can take out some of her own pain on. It may be that she feels guilty at 'holding you back' and thinks that if she pushes you away, you will be able to get on with your own life.

Explain to her that you are her friend, and you want to remain her friend and be there for her, but that you find those personal comments hurtful and unnecessary.

Another thought.... has anything recently changed with either of you? ie, have you told her that you are interested in a guy or got a promotion, or anything that she may feel inferior by or 'threatened' by?

[Littlefluffycloud]

Hi,

Thanks for the reply. When I was thinking about what you said I realised it isn't just me she seems to find fault with, but also the people she shares her house with. She is very self conscious and I get the impression she thinks people should look, behave and speak in particular ways to be 'cool'. I think you are right, I do need to say something as soon as she makes a hurtful comment.

Thanks

[Archaeopteryx]

I don't know.

But when I was at school I used to push friends away. I had pretty low self esteem and sometimes I just wanted to punish myself by pushing people away and being alone.

[milly jones]

i do the same thing hun

i push ppl away to test if the friendship is real

must be something to do with the sa?

milly xx

[Ozzy]

i do the same thing hun

i push ppl away to test if the friendship is real

must be something to do with the sa?

milly xx

Could be i seem to do the same thing but have no idea why i do it i thought i was the only one, i hate doing this , and never wanna put stuff on other ppl but do it for my own reason's i guess she is doing the same thing to try not to take it to heart, after a few day's of it will stop.
Take care
Ozzy xxx

[janer1]

I have social anxiety and am close friends with someone who has low self esteem but he works. i have other friends but he only has me and my boyfriend noticed that he likes the fact that i have lower self esteem than me and any attempt by my boyfriend to up my self esteem he isn't interested because he thinks he's better than me. people with sa and low self esteem become bitter and angry at the fact that they can't go forward in life so they may say and do hurtful things to those who are going forward in life. Thats in my expierence anyway. i get these feelings too

[Mateba]

Well it sounds like she might not have meant it to be so offensive, since I know that some people can just be very stright forward with things, rather than saying it because they want to offend you.

And as for the social anxiety, I'd really like to know how to 'cure' that too, since it's been more than a month since a friend of mine has talked to me, due to their social anxiety (they're online). I could try contacting them again, but I worry if I'll just end up making it worse. :(