My Path Towards Freedom

[Archaeopteryx]

(1) My Commitment

Not many years ago, I had my feelings kept as a secret. I wouldn't dare tell anyone no matter how close they were how I felt in social situations.

I thought I was alone, with a 'unique' problem. I had a sense of guilt that I was different; that I couldn't just swallow my anxiety, 'pull myself together' and go talk to people.

I didn't actually even understand what my problem was back then. I just had that feeling that I wanted to run away from all those who I thought were staring at me.

But for how long can I run away from myself?

In my second year at college (that was two years ago) I decided that there was really something wrong with me that needed my attention.

I told my mom that I needed to go to a psychiatrist; that I couldn't stand it anymore. She agreed.

I remember sitting on the word processor writing pages, exploring my past and my deepest feelings, preparing what I was going to say to him.

But to my astonishment when I talked to him, he seemed to be very familiar with what I was saying. Although I never really went to him again, that day was a candle. The first candle in my path, because in that day I knew there was actually 'something' called social anxiety disorder.

I've read a lot, and I think that now I have enough knowledge and commitment to start what I call 'self-therapy'.

I know what I'm talking about is not easy. I know I have to go through tremendous pain, to expose myself, to face my fears. But deep within my I know I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to see myself forty years from now, still worrying and being upset for what I irrationally think people think of me.

I do not want to settle for an easy job with no excitement, no challenge and little money just because I'm afraid to go out to that interview, or take that course.

I dream of the day where I can look people right in the eye and stand up for my own rights, and let them know that their scary look is no longer scary and that I'm no longer afraid.

I know the path is long. I know I need to have courage and to act in a consistent way, day after day, week after week, maybe year after year. But I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to pay the price, to go through the pain, the frustration, the doubt and to plan and persist. No matter how hard, no matter how many setbacks. I won't turn back. I won't go lock myself in that dark room within me waiting for the day when someone else will come and rescue me. I will do all I can to be that 'someone'.

It really gives me a sense of hope to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks for this wonderful site!

Consider this my journal.

[Nechtan]

Hi and welcome to NMP,

I wish you all the best on your journey and also look forward to reading your journal.

All the best

Nechtan

[Archaeopteryx]

(2) The Phone Call

Yesterday I was up late listening to an audio book called 'Awaken the giant within' by Anthony Robbins. It really motivated me and I decide that I no longer wanted to settle for any comfortable way of living 'now' that would ultimately destroy my chance to really live my life to the full and to break those chains that are holding me down.

I know what I need to do: I need to consistently confront the situations I'm afraid to face head on, while consistently embracing the new belief system, the new perception, the new interpretation of events and the new thoughts that would teach my subconscious mind that things are never as bad as it thinks.

Minutes ago, I've just made an accomplishment, a little step forward towards freedom. It was merely a phone call. And for people who don't know much about social phobia, this is not as easy as it seems.

I want to fix my cellphone. Its joystick hasn't been working for more that a year (!). But somehow I've been able to convince myself that I could go along without the joystick. Weeks ago, I finally realized why I've been putting this off. The act of going to the center for the first time in my life and talking to people I don't know and explaining the problem with my phone was completely uncomfortable.

But I went. And they told me they couldn't fix it now and gave me a number and suggested I call them in two weeks.

Today, I've decided it was time. The center is a few blocks away. 'Something inside me' insisted that I should just go without calling them first. I've been there before, the phone call was uncomfortable. So I thought I would just go.

But suddenly I noticed that ugly old pattern of thoughts! The pattern that just wanted me to be content in the here and the now and just couldn't understand the power of exposure.

I opened my diary and started writing about the phone call, what would I say, how would I feel and what was the worst thing that can happen. That moment, I knew what was right.

I picked up the card in one hand, the phone in the other. I hesitated for a minute. Then I called. The lady spoke really nicely. My irrational fears that they would think I was stupid just evaporated.

Then she asked me what the model of my phone was. I totally forget. I hesitated. I said something like: 'Umm .. Amm ..I forgot .. I don't know'. Then she suggested nicely that I should find out and call back.

And I did!

Now I feel happy and I can't wait to face my next fear (actually going to the center) because I know I've already done the hard part!

And what's better is I've given my subconscious mind a new lesson that I want it to study well:

It's okay to sound 'silly' sometimes. Not all people would make fun of me if I do. If I hesitate or make a mistake, its likely that the other person won't hurt my feeling for it. And even if they do, its their problem, not mine at all!

I'm human, and I have the right to make silly mistakes every once in a while and that does not – by any way- make me a silly person.

[Archaeopteryx]

Nechtan

Thanks for your replay!

I hope the best for you too

[Archaeopteryx]

(3) Should People Care?

As I entered the center, there was an old man right behind me. But I entered first and said hello to the guy on the desk. The man behind me poped up and gave the guy his cellphone saying its not working and bla bla. I was quiet. I thought in my mind:

How did he just do that?! I entered first! How can he just pretend I wasn't even there.

I wasn't mad or anything. But as I sat on the chair looking at him, I wondered if there will even be a day were I didn't care about what others think? Will there be a day were I could just do what I want and not care if I hurt other people feelings 'a little'?

But that's not really what I want to be. I know that deep inside me is a caring person and I don't want to kill that person in my quest for freedom.

[Archaeopteryx]

(4) The End of The Tunnel

I need to talk about my anxiety. The life it has taken away from me. I need to love the path out of this hell, not because the path gives me pleasure. But because at the end of the tunnel is my freedom, my chance to live a life I can be proud of and to do all those things that I really want to do but my anxiety just prevents me from them.

I want to break those chains. But first I have to hate them and believe that I can break them. I've read like three books and tens of articles and I know enough about CBT. I know that -by using the appropriate strategies- human beings have the power to change their own selves through consistent hard work.

I want to wake up tomorrow and go to college to get some papers. I've been putting this off for weeks. But I just want to shout: enough!. There is no real danger, there's nothing. But my fear from the situation is just there and has been making my heart pound for weeks.

The lady I have to get the papers from. She has this strange look. She always looks angry and treats everyone in a rude way (or I imagine so). Maybe she just never smiles. But she really always gives me that look that tells me:

I'm not happy to see you at all!

But is that my problem? I don't know why she's like that. Maybe she doesn't like her job. Maybe they don't give her enough money. But it's not my problems. I just want the papers from college! And I have the right to ask for them.

And even if she did give me that look, even if she shouted to me or made a rude comment on my low voice or even refused to give me the paper .. I don't care.

Those scenarios going around in my head won't stop me from going there, asking for what I want. No matter how much pain I go through I must focus on my goal; the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope the best for all of us.

Arc.

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Arc,

I have read your journal and although I do not personally suffer with social anxiety I believe I can learn so much from what you have written. You have a gift of the written word and I do hope this is what you are studying in college. I look forward to reading more of your journey where you are exposing how you are conquering these thoughts that we call anxiety.

By the way, I think you did do the right thing in giving your flower to the girls!

Take care,

Laura

[Nechtan]

It is very good what you have written, very enjoyable to read. Personally I can relate to alot of your thinking and alot of your dilemmas. At the moment i am waiting for Medical Services to call and I'm dreading it. Like yourself the phone brings anxiety for me too.

I hope you keep writing as I'll keep reading.

All the best

Nechtan

[Archaeopteryx]

(9) More Costs ..

I know it sounds simple, but the guy at the supermarket just gave me a pound (change) with two holes in it. I didn't notice until I walked away. I know some people would easily return it and ask for another one. But I didn't.

It's not about the one pound. This isn't what matters. If it was ten pounds I would have trouble going back too.

I'm just writing this to remind myself why I want go through the pain of exposure everyday. I want to remind myself that it's really worth it, and that I really really want to change.

[Archaeopteryx]

(10) Social Phobia VS Loneliness

When I was in the peak of my depression and anxiety two years ago, I had a single dominant thought:

I needed friends. I needed love. I needed care.

I couldn't think logically about anything. I just hated myself, my life and my past. I just dreamed day and night that somehow sometime someone will come and save me from this darkness.

But no one ever came, no one ever knew I was suffering, maybe they even forgot I existed.

I had to take the first step ..

But I only discovered lately that Social Anxiety is something different than lonliness. It's not just the lack of friends thats driving us crazy. Actually, the two problems sometimes overlap. But they are separate in their very nature.

You can have no Social Phobia but also have no friends, or you can have both!

The cure for each of the two problems is entirely different.

The key idea in making friends I think is focusing on what others need and caring about them. Trying to make them happy, trying to make them like you.

While the key idea in recovering from Social Phobia is to focus on your needs and care for yourself. I know this may sound a little selfish, but that's the truth. The Socially Anxious care about other people's opinions much more than they need to do. They think that they 'should' make other people happy all the time. And when they don't (which is always the case) they beat themselves up for that. They assume – subconsciously maybe- that their own rights are not as important as other people's demands or even wishes.

The complexity of the problem arises when we see that most of the Socially Anxious are lonely fellows. The avoidance actually gives us security and peace by hiding away from the problem altogether. And it is the avoidance that finally makes us all alone.

As human beings we need to socialize, we need to have friends, we need other people to care for, we need to love and be loved.

But that shouldn't be our driving force or our purpose when we fight the anxiety. Otherwise, we'll end up caring to much about what others think! And that's what causes us to be anxious in the first place.

Having friends will not miraculously solve all our problems. It may help. It may not. But anyway, it will never solve the problem alone. We have to do lots of work ourselves.

We should be able to stand us and shout within us that We Don't Care anymore about what others think. We will be assertive no matter what it costs us. We will stand up for our rights even when others seem to 'not like' the idea.

Our Anxiety has made us too cruel to ourselves and we need to fix that.

We don't have friends because people don't really know we are there. And that is because we simply avoid them. And we will continue to avoid them as long as we continue to fear their rejection and negative reactions.

What have we got to lose? Why do we continue to fear their rejection? Why don't we just treat it as something inevitable. No matter what we do. No matter how hard we try, SOME people will just reject us. And we can't stop that from happening.

We need to really accept the fact that we can't please everyone, and we need to stop trying to do so. When we go out and face the world, some people will reject us, others will respect us for one reason or another. But as long as we keep ourselves locked up .. truly we are safe from the rejection we fear, but does it matter? Our lives go down the drain in this awful prison.

Aristotle once said:

“Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing”

So is it really worth it?

Are we ready to be 'nothing's for the sake of false security?

I say: my life is much more important than all the comfort that avoidance can ever bring me.

I know that we need love and care. But why don't we start by trying to care for our own selves? Why do we continue to reinforce our depression, our low self-esteem waiting for someone to come and save us from this hell.

No one is coming.

I know it's really hard to accept that, its hard to take responsibility for claiming our lives, but remember what Helen Keller once said:

“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

So, what's your choice?