(1) My Commitment
Not many years ago, I had my feelings kept as a secret. I wouldn't dare tell anyone no matter how close they were how I felt in social situations.
I thought I was alone, with a 'unique' problem. I had a sense of guilt that I was different; that I couldn't just swallow my anxiety, 'pull myself together' and go talk to people.
I didn't actually even understand what my problem was back then. I just had that feeling that I wanted to run away from all those who I thought were staring at me.
But for how long can I run away from myself?
In my second year at college (that was two years ago) I decided that there was really something wrong with me that needed my attention.
I told my mom that I needed to go to a psychiatrist; that I couldn't stand it anymore. She agreed.
I remember sitting on the word processor writing pages, exploring my past and my deepest feelings, preparing what I was going to say to him.
But to my astonishment when I talked to him, he seemed to be very familiar with what I was saying. Although I never really went to him again, that day was a candle. The first candle in my path, because in that day I knew there was actually 'something' called social anxiety disorder.
I've read a lot, and I think that now I have enough knowledge and commitment to start what I call 'self-therapy'.
I know what I'm talking about is not easy. I know I have to go through tremendous pain, to expose myself, to face my fears. But deep within my I know I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to see myself forty years from now, still worrying and being upset for what I irrationally think people think of me.
I do not want to settle for an easy job with no excitement, no challenge and little money just because I'm afraid to go out to that interview, or take that course.
I dream of the day where I can look people right in the eye and stand up for my own rights, and let them know that their scary look is no longer scary and that I'm no longer afraid.
I know the path is long. I know I need to have courage and to act in a consistent way, day after day, week after week, maybe year after year. But I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to pay the price, to go through the pain, the frustration, the doubt and to plan and persist. No matter how hard, no matter how many setbacks. I won't turn back. I won't go lock myself in that dark room within me waiting for the day when someone else will come and rescue me. I will do all I can to be that 'someone'.
It really gives me a sense of hope to know that I'm not alone.
Thanks for this wonderful site!
Consider this my journal.