My Path Towards Freedom

[lorac]

Hello Arc

This is a very inspirational journal and I really enjoy reading about your achievements I wish you well on your journey. Thank you for posting this.

Carol

[Zingara]

Your first trials in English?! I thought it must be your native language! Are you an interpreter or something?
Oh, and by the way, a-salaam aleikum! xxx

[Archaeopteryx]

(14) Unconditional Hope

Emotions never last, they come and go. You simply cannot depend on emotions to be your main source of motivation during any journey of change, especially if its a long tiering one. You need something deeper and stronger to keep your head high.

You need a belief.

Something that is – for you - beyond doubt. Something you can hold to even when you feel really crappy, and you just don't feel like its worth it.

Hope .. What is it?

Is it that wonderful feeling we have when we see things going the way we want? When we expect things to keep getting better and better?

Or is it a decision we make; a decision to view life in a certain way, so that no matter what happens we never even think of the possibility of giving up. We just keep trying , learning, thinking, reading, experimenting, changing and growing.

We choose to accept our world as it truly is and not to run away, but to face our biggest challenges without fear. We acknowledge the fact that we will make mistakes, that we will sometimes screw up, that our enthusiasm will eventually fade away.

But we choose to keep on trying because we see more meaning in the Journey itself than whatever meaning there is in giving in for the depression, the anxiety or the total despair.

We see ourselves as we are, we do not hide from reality no matter how ugly we think it is. We choose to do our best to change whatever can change and also do our best to accept the rest and be okay with it.

Yes, as human beings, we ARE creatures of emotions. We are full of flaws and weaknesses. We will always make mistakes, and we will never know everything and we will never reach perfection.

Nevertheless, the very fact that we are human beings is what makes us pursue our dreams and better life for ourselves and for those around us. It's what makes us want to lead meaningful lives and want to use our unique ability to think logically to change our own world .... to the better.

I like what some people call 'the serenity prayer' which says:

This is the sort of mindset I seek. One that does not even consider despair as an option.

[Archaeopteryx]

Carol,

Thanks for your encouragement!




Samira,

No I'm not an interpreter. And yes, these are my first trials.
Also ...

Wa-alaikom es-salam
I see you are from England (as 90% of the people here ), so do you have Arabic origins or what? Can you speak Arabic?

[Archaeopteryx]

(15) When Exposure Makes Things Worse: Why I dread Interviews?

Two years ago, a friend of mine, one who is extremely self-confident. And has great faith in his talents, skills and intelligence told me that we could join some 'Group' at college [I don't know what you call them in English!] but we had to go through an interview at first.

It was the first time in my life. But I thought: How bad could it be? I want to learn from the experience.

I was only a month out of my depression. I still had low self-esteem. But I was recovering.

So, I agreed.

When I went in, the interviewer explained to me that she would ask me some questions and that I should respond in English. She said I could ask her if anything was unclear.

“Introduce yourself.”, she said.

My mind went blank. My heart was racing. I was silent for a minute. I was afraid to say anything. The question was too vague, I thought. I couldn't think of anything.

“I don't understand”, I said in Arabic.

She was literally shocked by my reaction. Yet, I'm sure she noticed I was 'a bit' anxious. So, she closed the file she had in front of her and started to explain to me (in Arabic) that she was just a fellow student and I shouldn't be so anxious. The interview is no big deal, she explained. She tried to comfort me for a minute and told me to tell her when I was ready to start the interview.

“What's the difference?”, I said hopelessly “I've already failed!”

And I told her that that I actually came because I had extreme difficulty dealing with people and I thought that joining their Group was a great start.

“.. But I've failed”. I said.

Anyway, I went through the interview, but I was already too broken from inside to make a good impression. I answered her questions as if I was answering a psychiatrist! I was even close to saying “I'm the shyest person ever born. And I hate myself for that.”

She asked me about my hobbies..

“Studying ..”, I said. Then I paused. I thought she thought I was a geek. I wear glasses and I'm out of shape. I felt like a nobody, or just a stupid person with nothing in his life but studying.

Then I said “Reading”. I've always loved books. But at that time I had been depressed for years. I didn't read at all that time because I thought books would never help.

“What kind of books do you like to read?”, she asked.

“Anything”, I answered not being able to identify any topic.

She asked me to explain my answer, but I couldn't think of anything. I felt she thought I was just lying and that I didn't really enjoy reading.

“Okay, what was the last book you read?”

That was the question that made me feel I'm so useless. The question opened my eyes to the reality I didn't want to admit and didn't even seem to notice. I've read nothing ... for years!

I don't really remember my answer to that question. It seems like my subconscious mind somehow 'forgot' to record it or maybe refused to.

Another question I remember was about “the five types of people I hate most”.

I don't remember the first four, but I do remember saying that I hated people that were 'extremely shy' like myself.

“What would you do if you were alone with them on an island”.

“Avoid them!”, I answered.

What an answer to say in an interview!!

When the interview ended, I felt extremely upset. I tried to think about anything positive about the experience. But the truth is that I couldn't. I just felt like a complete jerk. She either felt I was an idiot or she felt sorry for me. Both possibilities made me feel terrible.

I failed the interview of course. And now I can't even think of trying to go to any interview again. It seems too overwhelming. My memory of the first is terrible, as you can see. I can only think I will just make a fool out myself, go through extreme anxiety, embarrass myself, feel worthless and gain nothing.

I know I need to change those thoughts. But I must reanalyze the awful experience I've been through first. I must find some positive meaning in what happened back then.

I don't know. Can anyone help here?

BTW. My so-self-confident friend also failed the interview, but he explained the reason saying:

“She (the interviewer) was just a stupid idiot!”.

I wonder how some people can even think this way...!!

[Archaeopteryx]

I know I need to change those thoughts. But I must reanalyze the awful experience I've been through first. I must find some positive meaning in what happened back then.

I don't know. Can anyone help here?

For silent readers, can you please take a minute to leave your opinion

I really want to know it.

[Archaeopteryx]

(16) Baby Steps Towards Assertive Behavior

I called the service center to ask for my cellphone (see entries 2,3)

The call was easy (because I've done before).

But I noticed a not-so-assertive behavior from myself there at the center, so I'll try writing it down so I can learn from it.

The lady there gave me my phone and asked me for 20 pounds. I said if I could test it, she said okay.

As I was inserting the SIM card. She asked me for the money again. The normal assertive response was to say:

“Wait until I make sure it works first!”.

But I said nothing. I just gave her the money THEN made sure the phone was working.

Well, at least I actually went there .......

[Archaeopteryx]

(17) Walking

I almost forgot what taking little walks everyday can do to my mood!

I started yesterday. But I wish I'll never stop this absolutely wonderful habit ever again.

I remember it helping me get out of my depression long ago, and it still has its old amazing effects; it alters my mood, boosts my energy and refreshes my brain.

I recommend it for everyone!

[Zingara]

Hi... have sent you a private message! xx

[Archaeopteryx]

(18) Another Victory

I went to college today and finally stepped into the office for .. umm .. I don't know what you call it ..? Student Affairs? I asked for the paper I wanted. They told “They don't make it.”. I told them I NEED it. Finally they said that I can leave a request. (So, I think I'll pay them another visit).

Great! I feel okay, and that with some more effort I can make it to the end.

Hooray!