Don't want to be alive anymore

[mustard_123]

I really don't, i have had enough of everything. i have stuff that has been making my life hell for years now, obsessions and stuff and they won't go away, and i can't see these things ever going away. i just want to go now

[pooh]

Hi Mustard

Im betting that if you had some resolution to your problems you wouldnt want to go anywhere or give up. So tell us a bit more detail about your problems and let us have the chance to support you.

Please reply

Pooh x

[marie1974]

never ever give up matey its not the answer, the answer is to find help and face our fears and live our life.

i know things get us down so much at times and we feel we have no fight left but, we find a way and along the way we find alittle bit of happiness which spurs us on more to fight this all the way. you never know wots round the corner hun, i have moved, changed friends, blocked off people in my life family etc who do me no good, i have cbt as the counselling is helping me grow so much more confident and realise that i am a strong good person, i would never waste my life again. please keep fighting hun cos u will get there xx

[mustard_123]

to respond to pooh's request for more details

Not Worked For 8 years. I want to work and i am attempting to find it and getting support from people who help longterm unemployed but it absolutely terrifies me the thought of going out to work after 8 years

Not got many friends or social life which makes me unhappy and lonely but when the offers and the opportunities are there to meet people or attend a social event i either go and then feel very awkward all evening and fail to fit in or i just don't go at all. its a case of being who i am and being in the situation i'm in but desperately wanting to be someone else and yet i cannot be someone else because i'm just the way i am.

i can rarely be bothered to go out. when i do go out i usually get bored/fed up. ut when i stay indoors i also feel bored and fed up. either way i can't win because i am never happy. i am currently learning to drive and its kinda fun at times but mostly i can never wait for the lesson to end. i have thought about doling things like some violuntary work, a creative writing course but thats all i do, think about it. but when it comes down to doing it i don't want to bother and if i don't want to bother what hope is there for me? its kind of that i've given up before i've even tried. i spend a lot of time on the net even though i don't visit that many sites and after an hour or so on here each day and i've done all my little things like checked my emails it begins to become boring and yet i will still stay on here for hours then when i think i've had enough i sign off. within half an hour i'm back on again because i just can't keep off.

and as if all thats not enough, here's the big one

i am obsessed with a person. this person was once an internet friend of mine which over time i becane more and more dependant on the online friendship and eventually i became fixated on taking that over into the real world and i was convinced we could be great real life mates. Despite realising a long time ago that i was way way way obsessed with this guy and that i should try and focus on other things in my life and not let this obsession carry on i did let it carry on so now 3 years down the line its got so bad that when he finally told me he was no longer comfortable with the friendship i went to his house unannounced to attempt to talk in person and i was ignored and he even rang the police so i left and later discovered i'd been deleted from his msn and he told me by text not to contact him again. i then sent him rather a lot of emails and text messages desperately trying to patch it up which resulted in 2 phone calls from the police to tell me he had made a complaint and i was told to leave him alone which i was unable to do so i then got a third call plus an official letter from the police warning me i risk arrest if i continue contact. now i spend akll my time desperately longing for him to talk to me again. i feel angry at him for involving the police but angry at myself too for pushing it that far. i desperately miss talking to him and i can't move on. but if i try to talk to him again i'll end up getting done for harrassment. this obsessions lasted 3 years and there were obsessions before this and they all took over my life and made it a misery and then they would go away and a new obsession would replace them. none of them lasted as long as this one and this one never seems to go away - and even if it does having a new obsession will hardly help. this obsession stops me from really focusing on anything else. whereever i go, whatever i do its always there. the dr agrees i need help but countless referrals hes tried to make have led nowhere as the nhs constantly fob me off and refuse to help me. in any case i needed the help long before now [and i was being refused help 5 years ago which had i been given it might have avoided a lot of misery for me later on]

i never feel happy, no matter what i do. i can't remember a time i was ever happy.i am still very young and unless i get terminal cancer or get killed by a speeding car i should be alive for many years to come and if thats to be the case i can't live them all like this. it ain;t much of a life, its just an existance

[marie1974]

aww sweety u must change your thoughts and get out this hole u in. i have been there, honest. the reason u are focusing all your attention on this person is because u have nothing else in your life at the min thats more interesting or worth thinking about. you need to get out and about and mayb try some charity work cos i met some lovely people through doing that and then that will eventually give u confidence to socialise more and then find a job. you are right to live the rest of your life like you are now is unbearable but u can change it starting from today hun, you dont have to live this way. like u say you are young and i know words are easier then actions but u gotta start somewhere and im sure you want to have a relationship, friends, job, social life etc and u can have all that. try exercise every day too, its horrid to start with cos its last thing u wanna do but keep it up every day mayb just half hour brisk walking, it will start to make u feel better after week or 2. i have felt exactly how u do now and had 2 small kids to look after too and bad depression, debt, bailiffs turning up, health anxiety a hubby that worked so much i never saw him, no family or support, just me and kids and now 7 years on i am depression free and my life is much better and i walk loads to its been my life saver. so please u can get better. hugs xx

[Anxious_gal]

could you afford private counselling? some times they will reduce their fee if you tell them your on a low income. what about a phyciatrist? they have to at least provide that for free. or if things get really bad you could go to your local mental/psychiatric hospital.

[pinkpiglet]

Hi mustard, if there is at least 1 positive thing in your life you must focus on this for a start. also, have you ever seen a councillor or looked at cognitive tharapy. i'v just starting with really bad anxiety and i know that meds alone arent going to help so i'm fishing all over the net for info and advice & my doc as put me in touch wiv a CPN. we have to stay focused and channel our energy into something positive. Have you got any old photos of 'better times'? you could make a scrapbook wiv the pics or even draw some. you can write words relatng to how u felt at the time. It mite seem like a bit of a stupid idea but its just something creative to put into action. I really want to help you & hope you realise that if you did anything drastic, there is no way of undoing it! let me kno how u r gettin on x

[Dawn2]

Hi Mustard.
Dont give up mate.If you need a friend my details are on my profile.Come into the chat room make friends in there we dont judge.Mybe when you have passed your test it will give you the conferdance to go out into the world.
If you die there would no doubt be plenty of people who would miss you,is it really worth coursing them such pain.