Recently I have noticed a few things about myself. I believe that I have many phobias, and may be OCD.
Some of my phobias include fear of windows at night (i'll get into this in a minute), fear of spiders, fear of my mom dieing at any time, fear of not being near my mom when she dies, fear of cows, fear of some of my own thoughts.
One of my most prominent fears is the fear of windows at night. I am absolutely terrified, although I do manage to look somewhat normal and although I feel terrible, I can manage to look normal to my family. Every time I peer into a window at night, I can just imagine something come out of the darkness and just scream, or have glowing eyes, or huge sharp teeth, etc. I don't know if I can honestly stand it anymore. I'm even afraid of mirrors when there are no lights for the same reason. There is just the inevitable feeling that something is going to say boo.
I can't tell my parents, because they will just ignore it, or laugh it off. It's very hard to tell anyone anything, nobody takes me seriously. I might go insane.
I believe I may be OCD as well. I have to find patterns in numbers, not counting, but patterns. For instance, my locker combo, 3-27-13. I find the number 30 and 40 in there by combining the numbers. Although this may not seem significant, I do this with EVERY number. I also find numbers in patterns. Our patio door has 9 windows, I always think of it as the square root of 9 is 3. I must always simplify or find a pattern. I also cannot stand numbers that cannot be simplified, such as 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, etc. And I obsessed with the number 4, as long as the number it is in can be simplified.
I also have very unsettling thoughts, some of which are often associated with OCD. They haunt my dreams as well. Thoughts of incest, or pedophilia, and other thoughts which when I wake up, my heart is pounding, thinking about what happened, and realizing it was a dream, I still cannot seem to shake the feelings of doing something wrong until more than half way through the day.
I also compulsively download music. Any type of music, even if I dont like it. If I hear it, I have to have it. I also go on porn downloading binges at times. I spend an inconsiderable amount of time downloading pornography. Sometimes 4 hours or more. Then a few days later I will delete all of the files, because I feel bad for doing it.
I hope nobody thinks less of me, I already feel like the worst human on the planet, I just want some help.
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