Need a virtual hug please
Hi all,
Not posted anything recently, just haven't had the time. For the last 3 weeks I have been caring for my Mum & my Dad, my Mum broke her ankle very badly, 3 bones in all. She was kept in hospital for a week & had to have it operated on, she had a plate & 7 pins put in "OUCH". The night of the operation was very worrying for me as my Mum has bad blood pressure & she is not very well under a general anesthetic. Thank god she came through it without a problem the Surgeons & Nurses were brilliant they took great care of her. My Parents have been married this November for 43 years, my Dad is from the old school he has never had to worry about running the house my Mum always has, now he has to do a lot of it like putting the washing machine on or the dish washer, or ironing ect ect. For about 20 years my Dad has had some very serious mental issues which is why I suffer with panic/anxiety attacks now. For 20 years my Mum & I have had to cope with his behaviour never knowing what his illness was & my Dad just refuses to go to the Doctors point blank. I was surfing the net last week & found something very interesting. It was called Borderline personality disorder, very close to Schizsophrenia. What interested me the most was a paragraph further down the page highlighting Narsissistic personality disorder. This is my Dads behaviour down to a tee. His mood swings are horrific & what I would call absolutely evil. Last Monday evening was WW3 in the house with my Mum ill in plaster having to balance against her zimmer frame on 1 leg to stand in between My Dad & I to stop him from assaulting me that made me feel physically sick. He was also verbally abusive towards me too, he was threatening to call the police to throw me off his property & that I was his "B****** Child". The thing that instigated it was something so pathetically trivial but it was an issue to my Dad & he was going to create a scene no matter what we said it didnt make any difference. It was just an awful nightmare. I have my own rented flat thank god but it kept me apart from caring for my Mum for the rest of the week, I told her I was sorry but I could not tolerate it anymore after 20 years I had, had enough emotional torture. It angered me as I really wanted to care for my Mum but as long as he was not there. Iam so petrified of him & his unstable actions we are constantly walking on egg shells around him. You only have to look at him or answer in a particular manner & its holy hell. The stupid thing is today I was back at my Mums with my Dad there & its as if it never happened because my Dad is just not caring for her the way he should be, he has no patience whatsoever. She cannot bathe herself at the moment as she is in plaster upto her left knee so she washes what she is able at the sink & the rest is a bed or chair wash. The first attempted bed wash my Dad did he had her in tears & she had a row with him. She really does not need that she has to rely on him there's no choice. That job is now mine needless to say. I have no problem with that I love my Mum I'll do anything I can for her. The only problem is my health is awful having Diabetes & being on 4 injections a day & numerous tablets & suffering horrendous Hypo's last week that almost made my Mum call 999 as I was almost passing out. I feel as though everything is being ripped apart by my Dad my heart can't break anymore then it does. I feel like I want to cry everyday or scream for the sake of my Mum & I but what would be the point. My Dad has been an alcoholic for approx 20 years brought about by unforseen family/business problems, he also has depression, when I was 16 he attempted suicide (failed) later years I would lose a Brother to the same fate anyway. My Dad is also Diabetic (tablet controlled), he is also on Statin tablets too which I believe can contribute to horrendous mood swings. I have to keep reminding myself of these things to make sense of it all. If this was a boyfriend with these problems I could dump him but as this is family I can't just up & run away because of the love I have for my Mum. I have great difficulty loving my Dad because of the pain & anguish he is causing. The sad part is as a little girl growing up I had a very loving protective caring childhood. Dad was strict but fair, he never had moods like he has now. After last weeks events my Mum has told him he has got to go to the Doctors no buts but he just sat there & said he has no reason to go as there is nothing wrong with him. Back to square one till next time. I am sorry this is quite long but I really needed to speak to someone right now my anxiety is awful, Iam trying so hard to cope with everything. I only truly feel safe in my own flat & in control. When I'm at my Parents I feel unprotected & vulnerable but my Mum needs me right now what do I do? I am so scared she wont leave him as she says when she took her marriage vows she meant them. It feels very much like battered wife syndrome but without visible injuries just emotional one's. What help is out there for us? He's never hit my Mum as far as Iam aware but he has hit me over the 20 years giving me 2 black eyes (not at the same time). I had a nervous breakdown after the 2nd smack my body physically just caved in & I was admitted to psychiatric hospital. I had no choice, my eyesight was so bad it needed special injections to repair it & my body had such terrible tremors that when the Doctors tried to take blood it took 8 attempts my arms were covered in plasters, not happy times at all. I know that I have come through the other end & I'm very proud of that but unfortunately the present is still the past. Iam not able to move away from it as Iam off work on the sick long term. Its not looking good for going back but I just cannot think about that one right now. Thanks for listening everyone, I will chat again soon no doubt.
Love Lynn xx
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