An update,
Or Swans as Pain Relief
Following on from my last post, I received a letter from the hospital, inviting me for a colposcopy, followed by a possible biopsy, followed by whatever the Consultant deemed appropriate. (Why do they invite you? As if ANYBODY would willingly go?)
I didn’t think that I was bothered about it, until Thursday night, when I realised that despite it being gone 11.30pm, and being very tired, I was also very wired, and couldn’t get to sleep. I tried Megs magic method, fifteen deep breaths, using abdominal breathing, on the left side, followed by fifteen on your back, followed by fifteen on your right side.
It must have worked, because I woke up in the middle of the night, needing to use the loo, and promptly nodded back off again.
Being an ex-goth, and therefore a vampire by nature, I was dreading the next day, I had the first appointment, at 9.00 am. Having spoken to several people who go about their daily business during daylight hours, I set my alarm clock for 7.00 am, got my clothes out the night before, and was aiming to hit the road at 8.00 am. (The general verdict was setting off at various times between 7.15 and 8.15)
As anybody knows who has read a single one of my posts NOTHING ever goes right for me, and guess what – it didn’t this time either!!!!
I was in the bath for quarter past seven (it took me 15 minutes to work out what pants to wear – g-strings are frowned upon for causing fungal infections, comfy work pants are just too scruffy, silky pants are too sexy. In the end I settled for cotton French knickers, sensible but a bit frisky too.) I shaved, exfoliated and moisturised my legs and armpits, and finally felt ready to face the examination table, although I got a bit tense when I realised that I had run out of time to fake tan or paint my toe nails. After a light breakfast, I was on the road for 8.03. Imagine my joy, when I missed all the traffic, and arrived at the hospital for 8.22. Hmmm, only 45 minutes to wait before I got in. I text Meg, who had very kindly agreed to sit and wait with he, only to receive a phone call informing me that her car had over heated, and she was in the middle of nowhere, waiting for Gary to collect her and bring her to me, with me returning her to the car and the AA later! Great.
Mind you, it was quite odd, as I was fine without Meg being there, but knowing that she was coming. She text me at 9.02am to tell me that she had arrived, but typical NHS, they took me in EARLY. Mind you this was quite fortunate. The only reading matter was a My Weekly with an in depth interview with Bruce Forsyth, or an information poster on surviving the winter. (Were they late in taking it down, or early in putting it up?) The other good thing about going first, was that there was absolutely NO WAY C***Y B******S grandmother was going in before me.
The consultant was very nice. We had a lovely little chatter, where he decided that I probably had an erosion, and would give me some cryosurgery right there and then. What a nice man (not). Things were looking up however, when I got undressed, and into the hospital gown it had tapes on. Lots of them. And they fastened. Wheyhey
From now on in things started to go really wrong. I got onto the treatment bed, and lodged myself onto the stirrups (which being a horsey gal, I can tell you are a trade description nightmare – they are two vinyl posts which you rest your calves on – and boy do they spread your calves and make them look MASSIVE), oh yes – I got on the treatment bed, and having over moisturised earlier on, slid off the bed onto the floor. Once I had my legs wiped down, I managed to perch onto the bed in an appropriate position, which I shan’t go into.
Anyway, he had a good look around, and just when I decided that he was going to let me go, he found some dodgy areas, and asked if he could do a biopsy. I said yes, of course he could, to which he replied he was asking the nurse!!! To pass the equipment!!!! Which had to be seen to be believed. I had to question which area of my anat
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