Rage!

[Bill]

I'm not sure what happened today or where it all went wrong but I'm a quiet person and normally have alot of patience but today everything got to me and I just blew up which I haven't done to such an extent for a Long time!

I heard on the News about yet another case where a mother killed her disabled child because she could see no other solution. When are they going to provide the support these mothers need????????? It makes me So angry when they are left to struggle to cope alone without support!

I also heard something that confirmed my belief that normally mothers cope better than men when relationships end because the maternal instinct keeps them going but the man often feels he's lost everything. Men also don't find it so easy to talk about their feelings which when left bottled, they explode!

I've also been thinking that exactly 3 years ago I was visiting my father in the hospice before he died soon after.

And yet, this morning I got up fine even though I've had very little sleep lately which has probably added to my irritability. Last night though, I saw the film again, The Lord of the Rings (Two Towers) which I Love but Gollums song always gets to me because it reminds me of my past and of all my hurt.

This morning my wifes helper was telling us some very sad news about a friend of hers but I said to her, it's just life. We live in the hope of good times.

I went to bowls and was playing really well, better than I have for a long time but then 3 players around me started to niggle away because they kept getting confused because they were elderly so I ended up keeping an eye on them which put me off my own game. It felt like I care for my wife and mother, and now I was caring for them too! I just started feeling so angry.

A while back I put into action getting hold of a grant to help the elderly in town. We got the grant to create a new club for them but because of other commitments, I can't attend to help run it for them but at least I did my bit I guess.

I came home and went in the shower, even though I felt too tired. It was a waste of time! I came down and nodded off, only to be woken by my wife saying she couldn't close something. I went up and sorted it but when I showed her how to, she still couldn't do it herself. I should have left it and walked away but it irritated me when it was so simple to do. The more I tried to show her, the more angry I became until I blew up! I had to empty loads of stuff which made me hot and sweaty, all because she couldn't do something Anyone else could! In the old days I would have self-harmed to release all my frustrations or done worse but this evening I just took it out on a door and came off worse by cutting my hand! I feel bad for what I did and how something so minor made me so angry but that's how I'm feeling because I feel just like that poor woman carer I mentioned in the beginning.

Tonight I just feel exhausted. I want to cry but I can't. I feel So tired of giving all the time but so trapped too. Tonight I feel as I've always felt. There's just too much hurt and aggravation in life sometimes. Sometimes even on a sunny day like today, it feels the sun has gone away behind black clouds and it never stops pouring!

[pooh]

Bill

crap day huh? Get a punch bag and leave the poor door alone it didnt do anything to you lol and if you feel like it go right ahead and unashamedly bawl your eyes out. I recommend Macdonalds i for some reason have cried a lot whilst eatin a happy meal in there about things in my life or things in friends lives.
A wee suggestion too...try to care for yourself a little it's important

Pooh xxx

[debera]

aww bill sorry you are having a rough time right now. i think with not enough sleep and the pent up hurt and anger you just exploded. you had to get it all out. sometimes in life things do get too much to bare and we just explode. you are a good carer and care for your wife very well. you took it out on the door. dont be so hard on your self i think we all feel as you do from time to time. try to get a good night sleep and things will look alot better in the morning. take care ok
love debera

[xBettyBoopx]

Dear Bill

You are always so kind & thoughtful on here, giving ppl words of encouragement & wisdom. Now it's our turn to try & help you.

Unfortunately I have I'm not very good at it but - stop beating yourself up. You are human just like the rest of us & that gasket has to blow at some point. You're feeling low at the moment & everything gets all blown out of proportion sometimes & it's ok to be angry & upset. Tomorrow will probably be different.

Seems to me from what you have said, that you give of yourself a lot (you certainly do on here), time for some 'Bill' time

Take it easy Bill, you're not a robot.

hugs for you & take care.

Love
Els
xxxx

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Bill...

Your posts are always superbly written by the way. This one was no exception. So I think it's safe to say you've calmed down by now?

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we just can't control ourselves any longer and the frustrations have to come out somehow. Not your fault. If I were in your position with all your responsibilities I would erupt also. I don't have to put up with what you do but I still lose it from time to time.

As pooh said, try using a punch bag or pillow and scream or shout at the top of your voice if you can. Most of all, try to forgive yourself. What you did is no a crime and nothing to feel guilty about.

Don't forget to make some time for yourself and let other people sort their own problems out once in a while. Just a suggestion. Hope I'm not talking rubbish here.

All the best

[Bill]

Thank you everyone. I just had to offload.

Allan, of course you're NOT talking rubbish! What you've said makes alot of sense!

I feel a bit shell shocked tonight. I don't know where it all came from but what worries me is I couldn't seem to stop it. I really upset my wife too because I said things I've always felt but never said for fear of causing hurt which I did tonight which I feel bad about now. It's not her fault she's ill and can't do things others can. I shouldn't allow myself to lose control like I did tonight. I must admit though i feel I've come of worst though because of my cut hand!

Sometimes I remind myself so much of my father. Sometimes things would just gradually get to him until he felt he couldn't take anymore and he'd explode with frustration just like I did tonight. I can remember him putting a dent in the lounge wall once because he hit it so hard, and yet he was the most kind caring man you could ever meet. He's not just the family's loss but also to this world I feel because he always thought of others and never of himself.

I guess these feelings have been building up lately because of a number of reasons. Every day there seems to have been something that has been adding to the pressure cooker. I have alot of anger inside caused by frustration but normally I manage to contain it.

One phrase always haunts me - "I have to remember to look after Myself" and not always of others. It reminds me of the time I took an od and the nurse told me to "think of my wife". What about Me? Who thinks of Me? I feel I've always had to think of Me so that I can fulfill my caring role in life. I can never stop caring which is why I do beat myself up when I eel I've let my frustrations get the better of me.

Sometimes I think to myself that in a hundred years time we'll all be forgotten so why do we allow days to get to us so much when in the far bigger picture they mean so little other than to us? What you say, can't be taken back. What you do, can't be undone. Life is too short and precious for upset.

They say this world is become "angrier". I don't know why but what's the point of anger? Isn't it a waste of life? And yet, why is it so difficult to contain? Why can't people just get on with each other and learn love and not hate? They say the best part of arguments is the making up but sometimes it's so hard to undo hurtful comments said in rage. You know, I never even used to swear until I married my wife and yet now I swear every day but not with people I know! As my wife said, why didn't I vent my anger at bowls rather than store it to explode on her? Maybe I felt by containing it it'd pass but I didn't realise she'd tip the balance. It didn't help that it was our anniversary today either. Occasions like today always make me more irritable!

Just lately something has changed in me but I'm not sure what or why. All I know is I'm having trouble containing my feelings and it worries me especially after tonight because I can remember when I used to feel like this. Maybe it's just a bad day. I don't know, but I've been quieter on here because of these feelings. I think if I were to say how I feel in two words, I'd call it "hurt and frustration". I'll always care about others but sometimes I just don't care about me anymore, especially when I find it hard to forgive myself.

[Coni]

Hi Bill, I just wanted to send you some hugs and say I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

Anger is an emotion like any other Bill, we all feel it and you have valid reasons for feeling angry, each one piling on top of the other until you feel you cant keep it in any longer. I think anyone would feel angry in your position so please try not to feel bad.

And as for letting it 'explode' when you got home, I think thats probably due to the final straw which tipped the balance and the fact that sometimes its only in situations or places, or with people that we feel comfortable enough to express emotions like anger or hurt.

You are human Bill, a good kind caring man, but also human and you have human emotions. You have all these responsibilities which you never get any respite from, its no wonder it all gets too much sometimes.

Try to imagine what you would say to anyone on here who had just written a thread like yours....you would show them understanding, kindness and offer them support....thats what people on here will do for you too....and hopefully you can show yourself a little kindness too, not so you can be well to care for your wife but because you deserve it just for you.

Anyway Ive waffled enough, sorry if it doesnt make sense.

I really hope you have a better day today and try and rest....Im sure you'll feel exhausted today.


Coni XXX

[Yvonne]

Hallo dear Bill xx

To read a mail from you like this was a bit of a shock. You are normally so so helpful and supportive to others - and now it's your turn to seek support - nothing wrong with that.

Bill, you do so much for your wife and you have a busy life and you only want to do good and help people, you rarely think of yourself. Ask yourself, could anyone else do what you do on a daily basis without one day just losing it? I don't think so.

To me it was a completely normal human response for someone who has so much to deal with in daily life. There was nothing wrong with the way you acted, you don't act like that every day. This was merely a build of frustration and pent up emotion and no matter how you tried to keep your cool this emotion was going to come out no matter what. It had to release itself.

Try to forget it now mate, you are a very good man and you have no need to beat yourself up about this. Do you feel any better for the outburst, has it lifted the frustration and pent up anger? It must have helped.

I don't lose my temper .. ever. You know with me Bill mine comes out in tears - same thing just a different emotion.

You try to focus more on number 1 and congratulate yourself on just how well you do cope with what you have to do each day.

Lots of love x

[ladybird64]

Hi Bill

I'm not very good with words at the moment but I'm sure you'll get the drift of what I mean.

We all know how great you are in caring for your wife and you know I have a caring role for my daughter, I'm told regularly that I have the patience of a saint and what would life be like for her if I wasn't around so much.
The point is my friend we KNOW that we are invaluable to the people that we care for and that in itself heaps on the pressure..we are trapped but we are trapped by love.
In my darkest moments (last Friday ), I feel that I have done nothing to deserve what is happening, that I want to scream at her and put her, her behaviour, bag and baggage outside the door. I want someone to intervene and take this load away from me.
I want someone to do SOMETHING but I'm not sure what the something is.
Yes, you lost it, not at the bowling but at your wife. But it's ok Bill because she is the source of much frustration and the fact is you love her dearly.
In a perfect world we could channel this frustration into something else but it's not always possible and sometimes something has gotta give.
Please take on board what everybody has written, you haven't done any permanent damage to your wife and you have probably released something that has been building up for a while.
Put it behind you now eh?

Take care

[marie1974]

hiya bill, we all need a break sometimes and need to scream or explode etc i understand in your situation why u feel this way, ladybird speaks well and i agree u have to let off steam every now and again.

the punching bag sound great i reckon i need one sometimes with my parents faces hehe joking aside though things like bowling and walking dog etc are your little breaks and time for u to escape for a bit, use these times to unwind, scream if u want, also have fun. you have to make the most of the little breaks you get here and there. i do understand for carers it must be very very frustrating and tiring at times and lonely. hugs xxxxx