Realised this is likely to be as good as it gets
I'm afraid this isn't directly about anxiety. Forgive me if I just want to get things off my chest, and I know there's not much people can say to reassure me so don't feel you have to respond.
I have reached a watershed. 13 years ago I contracted a chronic oral fungal infection, and since then I've been avoiding thinking about the implications for relationships I might have. The issue didn't come up for a long time because I've not had a girlfriend. I'm shy, bald, and for long periods have been both incapably neurotic and, for a while, quite overweight, although I'm thinner now.
Recently though I have been more proactive by doing Internet dating, and I finally have to confront the fact that I'm on a hiding to nothing. A couple of the women I met seemed to think I was OK, but now I have to accept that I'm really wasting my time because I can't kiss. I mentioned the infection to my counsellor and she said, "I can see why you feel trapped." Of course she couldn't really say anything else, but those words filled me with despair. I was finally confronted with my inevitable fate, which is never to find the companionship I yearn for.
Last week, when pressed, my parents agreed that I was trapped.
In a way I suppose it is a relief to reach this point.
Most people - at least for reasonable periods in their lives - take companionship, physical affection and sex for granted. I was denied all that. I could live with that miserable existence if there was the hope it might change.
Now I have to confront the fact that all that lies in front of me is the same joylessness that is all I've ever known.
I am a good person. I didn't deserve this. I'm sorry, I know others have their problems, I'm not trying to say I'm worse off than some other people. Although ****ing hell, life really did deal me a ****ing load of lemons.
Sorry.
F
__________________
Fear's a dangerous thing,
It will turn your heart black, you can trust.
It'll take your God-filled soul
And fill it with devils and dust.
- Bruce Springsteen