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Thread: I want to end it all

  1. #1
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    I want to end it all

    Hi,
    I am new to this forum and just wanted to talk to other people who understand what I am going through.
    I am tired of living, tired of having to live my life for others. I want to end it all but I get told think how it would effect your son/partner/parents/friends. So its okay for me to live my life feeling so dreadful but not ok to stop this mental pain I feel every day because of the effect it would have on others. Some people say people who commit suicude are selfish how about those who want the suicidal to carry on living are they not selfidh too?
    I have had a few good weeks and now, well now I feel I am at the bottom of the dark pit I have tried so fervently to climb out of. Its like depression was standing at the opening of the pit waiting to kick me back down into its abyss. I feel so sick, i can't think straight, I am tired, I feel trapped with this illness, I can't escape my thoughts for one moment. I am trapped, trapped within my mind. I thought I was getting better and noe this. I feel such a failure. Why can't I just be happy.

  2. #2
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    Hi Kazza

    Welcome aboard the forum.

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment and can't see how life can get better.

    Do you suffer from Depression or do you have panic attacks and anxiety as well? Are you on any meds for it or getting any professional help for it?

    Are you living alone or do you have some support at home that can help you as well?

    Happiness has to come from within and I know that is not easy atall. I suffered from Depression when I was at my worst and I know that I didn't want to live anymore - I couldn't see the point! But I slowly picked myself up and decided that I did want to live and I did want to get better. It was hard work and I was on Prozac which helped a lot.

    There is a way forward with this so please stick around and we will help you all we can.

    Nicola

    "Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

  3. #3
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    Hi Kazza

    Sorry to hear you feel so bad, poor you. I had bad depression too, and felt tired of living too, I know exactly what you mean about being at the bottom of the dark pit, at the time I wouldn't believe in a way out or hope.
    I want you to know that you're not alone with this and we can sympathise and understand. I deeply hope that we can help you go thru this, just bear with us , ok?

    Take care .
    Florence.

    **Don't believe everything you think .**

  4. #4
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    Kazza,
    Please try and stay positive, the members on this site really can help you thru these dark dark days. I don't tend to respond to many postings , I just selfishly use the forum as a sounding off board, but I realy saw myself in you and I know that if I can pull myself back you can too.
    Thinking of you tonite (coz I prob won't be asleep)
    Jo xx

  5. #5
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    Thank you all for your kind words. It is nice to know that there are others out there who know what I am talking about and understand my feelings. I am so often told by my family to "snap out of it" or "just get over it". If it was that easy of course I would snap out of it but it isn't.
    I do suffer from anxiety. I am on medication: 150mg of venlafaxine a day. I live with my partner and my son. I try to cope so that my boy isn't affected by my depression but he does see me cry sometimes but he only shows concern, he is not frightened of my tears. He often just comforts me.

  6. #6
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    Welcome aboard Kazza!!

    Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time at the moment. Have you tried taking medication or tried counselling for your depression?

    Everyone here is very friendly and I'm sure you will receive loads of good advice and support. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.

    Sarah

    "Life is too important to take seriously" Corky Siegal

  7. #7
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    Kazza

    The worst thing you can tell a sufferer to do is "pull yourself together" or "get over it". I know how annoying that is!!

    That is great that you have some support at home from your partner and son.

    How are you finding the venlafaxine - is is helping atall?

    I think sometimes we need to find things to make us feel happier cos it doesn't always come easily. We have to look at the positives that we have and work with them - like your son.

    I don't know whether you have been offered any counselling like CBT but that can help enormously too.

    Let's hope we can offer you some support on here anyway.

    Nicola

    "Nearly all happiness comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open"

  8. #8
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    I thought the venlafaxine was working but then I have I seem to have hit rock bottom again. i have started attending CBT sessions so I hope they will help, I just feel so tired at the momet have no interest in anything and nothing i do brings me enjoyment!
    I do have a question? Does anyone have any suggestion for what can help my mood as I approach the "time of the month".

  9. #9
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    Hi Kazza

    Welcome to the forum. I too suffer from depression and have been at the bottom of that pit many times. I've felt suicidal many times and have been going through a particularly bad patch recently where there hasn't seemed to be any other way to escape the despair.

    Being told to "snap out of it" doesn't help at all, although I have also been told this by members of my family and others in the past. If it were that easy no one would suffer from depression.

    Although I realise it is extremely difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel at times, try to hold onto the knowledge that you can have times where you feel a little better and with help and support you can build on these. It is the depression that blocks hope and any positive thoughts of recovery.

    Depression causes confusion and 'black and white' thinking. It makes you believe that you are either stuck right at the bottom of the pit, and the opposite of this is feeling on top of the world - which is obviously difficult to imagine when feeling so low. However, there are many shades of grey in between and it is a matter of slowly building up to starting to enjoy things again and being able to recognise the good things in life.

    Being made to feel guilty for having thoughts of suicide does not help. It is true that your family would be extremely upset if you were to act on these thoughts, however you need to find what it is for you that enables you to hold on. I suffer a lot of guilt myself about the times I want to end my life because the pain is too much to bear. I think of how much I would hurt my family and still this isn't enough to stop me considering it. The one thing that keeps me holding on is a special friend. Whenever I feel like giving in I think of her and try to imagine what she would be saying if she were here with me.

    I am glad you have started CBT and hope this helps you. It might also be an idea to see your doctor and explain that the medication is no longer helping as the doctor might be able to make some adjustments to this.

    We will do all we can to help and support you through this.


    Karen



    It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

  10. #10
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    Hi Kazza

    You are not alone in how you feel and i understand how hard it is for you.

    It hurts, is painful and feels like you are prolonging the inevitable, but somewhere it comes to gives you relief and like it did for me it will for you.

    Although hard dont give in hun and let us help you. A winner takes the medal but a loser takes away experience for the next time, so what did the winner gain apart from winning and gaining a medal. Nothing but the loser gained realisation and a will to get better.

    Love Sal xx


    Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


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