New Mum's and New Responsibility

[Bill]

I've often read on here about new Mum's suddenly feeling ill due to anxiety so I thought I'd try writing a few thoughts on it.

When I got married, I also started a new job, moved into a new house and had alot of new pressures to cope with. After 5 years of trying to cope with them and especially with my wife's illness, I started to experience severe anxiety, depression and bad panic attacks. I felt trapped.

I went to see a psychologist who explained to me what had happened and he also showed me a way forward so that these days, although I can't say I'm happy, at least for the majority of the time I cope ok.

Anyway, I know this isn't the only cause of new mum's anxiety but when a mother has their first child (especially), this first child is something "new" and extremely precious. This new responsibility together with increased worry creates alot of added stress and so can trigger anxiety symptoms. This new responsibility becomes THE most important thing in their lives and this importance they naturally attach together with the extra stress caused through caring, can easily cause panic symptoms.

However, as time passes, the new responsibility becomes "old" and so the importance also lowers as they become used to it and begin to focus on new responsibilities.

I feel that all a new mum can do is limit the stress new offspring naturally produce by not taking on the "whole" responsibility. The father should also support the mother by giving the mother respite by taking on some of the chores. Also the mother should think about getting away from the house for times to unwind and enjoy themselves but of course making sure the baby is in good hands.

Also though I feel a new mum needs to be aware of their thinking patterns. We are often very intense so we need to learn ways to "relax" in the home by reading or playing music etc. Like all anxiety, we need to learn to not dwell on the future and on negative thoughts that create worries.

Whenever we are faced with something new that is very important to us, our stress levels Will increase and it's learning how to cope with the increased stress that is the key to coping with the anxieties they produce. One thing to remember though is that anxiety symptoms are Natural reaction to increased stress but the symptoms do "naturally" ease IF we allow them to by not dwelling on them.

[vti2007]

Hi Bill,

It's not just new Mum's - being a new Dad for the first time has caused me a lot of anxiety. I think it is the sudden realization that you are now responsible for feeding, clothing and providing a home for the little one. Being unwell anyway it really hit me hard.

[keepemlaughing]

Bill, and yet another good post. Are you sure you're not a professional??
LOL
Sheryl

[samc100]

I am a mummy with a 3 yr old and 4 week old.

Being a mummy brings out the best of emotions and the worst emotions you can ever feel.

I think Tetley made some excellent points. Even with a huge team to help you - it makes little difference to emotions swirling around your head and heart ( good and bad emotions). It changes YOU and you have to adapt accordingly. Which isn't easy.

Becoming a mummy changes you. People often say "Oh having a child won't change us and our lifestyle".

Well it will ( or why have children?). It will take you ages to ever get out of the house again. You'll sleep with one ear alert to any little noise from your off-spring. You'll burst with pride one minute and other times be stricken with panic at some dreaded fear.

It takes time to adjust to the emotions of becoming a parent. Nothing can ever prepare you for it. It is an amazing journey with so much to learn and not enough time to do all you want to - and a realisation you'll never get it right.

[bottleblond]

Bill

You have the ability to captivate all your thread readers because you are so wise, considerate to ALL and utterly loving. It's a rare bread you are me dear and if you have a brother, give him me number!!

Much respect to you
Love Lisa
xxxx

[Bill]

You're Very Kind Lisa I've 2 much older brothers but I'm afraid to say they're both happily married but I've a single nephew of 29 who is in desperate need of a loving woman like you....if I don't beat him to it!

Sheryl, yep, I'm a professional...a professional anxiety sufferer since I've lived with it for so many years!

learning to let go and let others help you

Tetley, you've raised an important point which doesn't just apply to new mum's OR new dad's! It applies to ALL of us whether at home or in our place of work.

We tend to be perfectionists so we want things done "properly" as "we" would have them done. Perfectionism also makes us conscientious so we feel that if it's a job that's in our role, we feel it's "our" responsibilty to complete it. We won't delegate or allow us to trust others to do the job as we would. This means though that we can end up with a mountain on our plate which is unrealistic for one person to complete. We end up overloading ourselves and burning ourselves out!

Only then do we "give in" to needing help. We won't ask for help even then though because we feel a failure and become consumed with guilt. We feel we should be just as capable as others when in fact we are. We just don't accept reasonable limits because we want to do things ourselves. We end up causing more harm to ourselves by not "letting go" and asking for help.

Another point to this though regards taking on too much in a relationship. If we keep making everything our own responsibility, we can block out partners who actually want to help. They end up feeling they're not needed or that we don't trust them. It can cause resentment and arguments.

Just as we need to give and take by sharing and supporting workloads, we also need to "talk" and share feelings so that the partner is able to understand why we feel responsible. However, it does need to work Both ways, both giving, both sharing, both supporting each other, otherwise I feel a relationship will fail in the long run because a divisions will occur through lack of communication and support.

We also tend to lock ourselves in our shells when we don't feel well with anxiety but we "should" be able to turn to our partners who, although they might not understand, "should" be prepared to comfort and support through hugs or reassuring words. I know though that this isn't the case in Alot of relationships and it's because we don't get this support that our anxiety "can" get out of control. Sometimes partners can even use it against us to keep us under their control so that we feel too weak to act even though if we did break free we'd find out we're more capable than we realise because the boulder that keeps us trapped in anxiety is lifted.

We shouldn't feel our anxiety is just "our responsibility" to cope with and nor should we think everyone will treat as the same as those closest who mistreat us if we open up otherwise we live in a trap created by fear.

Fear can affect us in so many ways from minor thoughts to major decisions but if we allow our fears to dictate what we can or feel we can't do then we never break free. In the same way we mustn't fear offloading and trusting others with what we regard is our responsibility. We mustn't try to keep "control" of everything because it means we're trying to "keep safe" all the time. If then something happens beyond our control, it'll trigger anxious symptoms.

Whether it's thoughts, people or responsibilities, we mustn't try to keep in control of all of them by keeping to a safe path because living means "risk" which needs to be "accepted" so that we become less rigid, less intense and so break free of anxiety.

Anyway, sorry for rattling on.