Agoraphobia

[brill]

My agoraphobia is getting worse I just know it,6-8 weeks ago I would go out of the house (by myself) to buy a packet of durries when the desire for a smoke became greater then the fear of going to get them. Now I would rather go without then have to face the fear of going out.
One of my problems with my agoraphobia is that I feel happy and safe locked in the house and the thought of breaking from this safety zone is to horrible to even think about.I guess what I am saying is that I feel almost happy in a round about way that my agoraphobia is getting worse because then if I don,t go out I don,t have to face the panic and the days of high anxioty I get before I go out. And then have to deal with the horrible physical symptoms after the event.So this is why I feel at the moment that I will never get better.But deep down there somewhere there is gotta be a little part of me who wants to try,I just have to find him somehow.

Anyway sorry I raddled on a bit but it was something I had to get of my chest and share with you all.Just let me know if you think I have just given up or if you think it is a force that is to powerfull for me to deal with at the moment.

Ok take care all BRILL

[sarah]

Hiya Brill

I have been where you are.
Last year I went from like you say..desparate for a packet of ciggies and going out to get more, to not leaving my house if my life depended on it as it was safe. I too was happy that I didnt have to face things and could be left alone to watch tv, play games, sleep all day etc without being faced with the big outdoors.

Since then, with the nagging of my well meant but bloody minded and irritating husband, I have gotten myself out of it. (It came to the fact that I thought he was going to leave me - and worse of all I started to wish he would so I could go back to my mums and hide in my old bedroom for the rest of my life).
That was when I though 'uh oh, I really am losing sight of reality here'.

I got myself some help, my hubby nagged me and kept dragging me out(nearly always in tears) and I made some sort of progress.

The main thing that I have come to realise in the last month or so is that theres only so many PS2 games you can afford when youve got no job and no money and I am SO BORED watching the same four walls!!!

I think in my case a little switch seems to have turned in my head that says I have to LIVE again, which is what im aiming to do. Ive been out all day today..done some gardening, been to town shopping, been to the hospital for blood tests, driven my convertible in the lovely sun we have been having...and you know what?, I felt glad today for the first time in ages that im not confined to my home.

I guess what im trying to say is, sometimes it doesnt matter what you think or feel or do to make yourself better (although the hypnotherapy ive been having seems to be doing something good), sometimes it takes just plain boredom to get you back on your feet.

Maybe not the best advice ive given but the fact is you have to want to help yourself before you can make a start. Maybe you do just need to stay at home for a while till you sort your head out and get bored with the situation....the other choice is to keep getting out there small steps at a time...just to the end of the driveway, next 4 houses up etc...as we say on here 'little steps' and you will get there.

Ok so ive given you mixed messages...lol, stay home and sort your head out or keep practicing and you will get there (I was lucky that my 'switch' turned on and I started helping myself but I speak from experience when I say my nan's didnt and she was agoraphobic from the age of 28 till she died age 73...long time to waste if you dont try - mind you the help wasnt really available then though).

I hope this gives you inspiration or any help...I tried...lol

love Sarah
xx

ps..how did your wife get on yesterday?

[brill]

Thank you so very much sarah.
My wifes op went good, I think although she does not tell me much because I am very proctive of her latley and if she told me the whole story she knows I would get very angry at the doc,s thats what she said anyway.
Thank you for shareing your experence with me.When I read a story like yours it really touches me because I know the effort you would have had to put into getting some form of wellness.Well done mate
I have tryed the little steps approach with little success,this has been going on for about 2< years and to be totally honest with you I know I have gotten a whole lot worse during this process,It,s not like I am totally housebound I do on some rare occasions go out with my wife and it is that part of my life I really want to put all of my effort into keeping.I remember about 3 years ago the doctor that was treating me at the time telling me I was at a cross road in my life I could choose the hard road and get well or take the easy road and become totally agorophobic.How true these words ring in my ears today.If only I had listened to him then ha.
I think the bigest problem I am faced with going out is that I don,t trust any human at all. I do trust some close family members but not totally because they have all left me alone whylest I was out with them at some time. And for people I don,t know at all I feel an over wellming and total fear of them,and on a bad day I can even say it becomes a form of hatrid towards them.Its a horrible thing to say but I am being totally honest.
Anyway sarah thankyou for your post and maybe I will try to make life as boring as I posibally can or just waight for my switch to come on I know that deep down I want to get better I have to just find that part of me.

Thankyou BRILL