no support

[Captain America]

Okay I’m just complaining here but if I don’t I’m just going to scream. I am so sick of relying on people to help me, but that’s reality and where I am right now! 6 months ago I couldn’t hold a job, stayed in my room all day, and barely ate. These days I’m working, playing with the kids, doing things on weekends, etc. but sometimes I just need help. Yesterday I was having a panic attack at the end of my work day. Everything hurt, and I was convinced my heart was going to give out. That went on for 3 hours but I managed to finish work. So I asked my wife to cancel a hair appointment, which she said was fine because she had to work anyway.

Well while waiting for her to get home, our 2 year old had a meltdown. After 3 hours of freaking out it was just too much. She was still at work (almost as long as she might have been at the hairdresser) and I called and said I needed help. So she came home.

Tonight I told her I’m going to the store after work to get some things. And she said it wasn’t fair that she had to cancel her hair appointment yesterday and I could go do what I wanted.

What the *&*& is that???? I haven’t been out of the house to do anything for myself in over a month because of this stupid anxiety. I’m a prisoner of my own head. And yet, I finally say I’m going to go do something and I get that????

I dunno. I know it’s hard on our spouses and partners but at some point I need some support or I’m just going to stop trying. I’m sick of asking for help from everybody…as sick as they are of giving it, apparently.

[marie1974]

hiya captain, i was told in my cbt that our partners are definately not our therapists and turning to them for help esp if they dont understand can lead to more problems and i think its true.

i tend to talk to my friend about my probs, although hubby does try to understand.

i think u r doing brilliant by the way, wot you have said it brilliant and u have come a long way.

facing your fears is so very hard, but i think its the best way to conquer our fears.

u will get there, just take time out here and there just for some quiet time just for u to breathe for a while. hugs and stay strong hun xx

[Captain America]

thanks donna. you know what's funny? i'm actually more angry than anything about what i perceive to be her selfish behaviour. anxiety is a selfish disease, and we do get wrapped up in ourselves a lot.

i don't want her to be my therapist. i just need someone to carry some of the load for a while while i get stronger. i'm so afraid that i'm going to crack one of these days. it's like i believe there's only so much stress i can take without risking a relapse. yeah facing fears is a good thing, but you don't cure someone of arachniphobia but sticking them in a well full of spiders. i doubt someone could slow-breathe their way through that one!

anyway that's how i feel i guess. that people's expectations of me exceed what i'm currently capable of. i guess that's self doubt.

half of me does say though, support me, or get out of my way. i don't know what's worse about asking for help and not getting it...that i don't believe i can handle it, or the hurt i feel when the help is refused or i'm made to feel guilty about it.

[LeeBee]

Hiya Captain, as one of the reasons behind my recent anxiety has been the breakdown of a relationship, I've not had a partner to turn to (or get cross with when I feel they're not there for me). I've leaned on my mum, my sister, my friends and this site. I think spreading the load is a good idea - relying on just one person is not fair on either of you. You're right, anxiety and depression are selfish states, but it is good for you to try to see things from someone else's point of view sometimes. I do think communication is the only way to understand one another - talk to your partner about how you feel, and listen to what she says too. Good luck...

[kendo59]

I know how you feel. It is difficult going from being independant capable people, to suddenly feeling so helpless and stressed out over the smallest stuff, especially when those closest to us simply don't understand how difficult it is to cope with.

Hope everything works out ok for you. Good luck.

[Veronica H]

Hi Captain
Your words have struck a real cord with many of us. As my husband said recently 'if your leg was broken I would know exactly what to do and what not to do' . You have received some great advice already, but I just wanted you to know that I am also at the stage where I feel I have made some progress but I still need help at times. It is difficult to know how much to push yourself too. My family have been great overall, but when partners are tired and stressed it is sometimes impossible for us to be as supportive to them due to the nature of this illness.

Veronica

[Captain America]

thanks everyone. i've calmed down somewhat, but i guess today i'm realizing that ultimately this is my battle and i'm alone in it really. because even when people do try to help, they often say or do the wrong thing, and accidentally. like today i was going to my kid's soccer game, and i grabbed some chairs from the car and some blankets and just started walking. didn't even really think about how a few months ago the short walk to the park would freak me out, not to mention i couldn't carry anything for fear of having a heart attack or something.

so my wife, trying to be nice, says, 'hey look! you're the human packrat again. it's nice to see.'

but of course, this makes me realize what i'm doing, so i start thinking maybe it's too much, etc. so strange that even the nice attempts at help can get me thinking about what i've been through, and what i'm going through. so i just have to do it myself and not let what people say bother me so much i guess. that's hard though.

i really appreciate your responses and hope you all continue to improve and cope as well.

selfishly yours,

james