Forgive me for the long post, but I have nowhere else to turn. Discussion forums are my last hope for trying to find ideas to rid myself of this. I am going to share some very personal thoughts and feelings here. I believe that the human spirit is inherently positive, and that I have nothing to fear from doing so.
I have found that nobody around me understands even slightly what I have been going through, and maybe now that I have found a forum dedicated to this, maybe somebody knows some way to stop what has been happening to me.
I have symptoms of panic attacks, only for me, they are not attacks, they are 100% constant. They don't come and go, let up at all, respond to any physical or mental stimulus, or change in any way.
I am 24 years old. In November of 2006, I had my first panic attack, and like many people, I raced to the ER, convinced that I was dying. When they told me everything was normal, I was relieved and tried to go back to my daily routines.
Gradually, in time, I developed lingering chest pains and shortness of breath. The pain would come and go, and the shortness of breath is best described as an inability to take a deep breath or get enough air. I went to my primary doctor finally, who took some tests and again told me that nothing was wrong.
I chalked it up to allergies and resolved to continue with my life as best I could. The symptoms gradually became worse, finally forcing me out of work a few months ago. I figured I needed some time to rest, and so I did my best to take it easy at home.
The symptoms continued getting worse, and new ones developed, such as difficulty maintaining my balance, dizziness, nausea, loss of equilibrium, chest pressure, and this massive feeling of constant dread that something was seriously wrong with me.
For the last several weeks now, things have progressed even further. I now have constant tingling and dread, constant violent chest pains, rapid heartbeats, constant violent fears of what is happening to me, shaking, blurred vision, cognitive problems, and immense difficulty completing even simple tasks.
These do not let up or become better at any point in time, and the only time I sleep is when I lose consciousness from sheer exhaustion, only to wake up a mere hour or two later in a cold sweat to have it all begin again. I haven't eaten in a week, and my throat is parched, despite trying to drink as much as I can.
Finally, yesterday night I went to the ER, because I was having the worst pain that I had ever felt, all over my chest, and I was having wild flickering blackouts. They took an ECG, a chest X-ray, and a blood test, and told me that other than vitamin deficiency from not having eaten recently, I was perfectly healthy.
They gave me Valium and Ativan. It didn't do anything. They increased the dosage of the Valium and Ativan and it still didn't do anything. They called in a therapist to talk to me while I was there, and nothing he tried did anything.
They ran some more tests and could find absolutely nothing wrong with me, so they diagnosed me with panic and anxiety disorder and discharged me, without relieving any of the symptoms.
Even though they have said nothing is wrong with me, no amount of trying to convince myself of that is working. I sit and tell myself that I am completely normal, that I was examined in an ER and they found that I was healthy, but the symptoms get worse.
I try breathing into a paper bag, and every form of trick and cognitive cue that I have found on the internet, and nothing works. There is no action that I am able to take to improve my condition in the slightest. I no longer even have the strength to go outside, my legs wobble when I stand, and trying to type this is difficult with my fingers shaking.
I have had a prescription for Xanax, which I have been taking, and it does absolutely no good.
Having not worked for several months, I no longer have enough money to see anymore doctors or therapists, nor the money to get anymore medication.
I am not suicidal. I enjoyed life before this all began, and I don't understand why this is happening.
I am desperate for any relief from this nightmare. I was a strong person before this began, but weeks and even months of this constant agony will drive even the strongest to their knees, and I find myself frequently bursting into fits of crying, and lashing out at my mother, whom I now live with again because of financial reasons.
The following is a journal entry which I typed during an especially bad period earlier today, it contains the thoughts that have been going through my mind, as well as my best descriptions of what has been happening to me.
October 24, 2008 - 12:45PM
There is chest pain, pressure, tightness, burning sensations, tingling in all of your extremities. Your vision goes dim, and may flicker uncontrollably. You get an immense, incalculable sense of dread, as though you may suddenly die at any moment. Then it becomes difficult to move, to formulate words, or to think.
Every time you try to speak, it takes an incredible effort, and you strain your eyes, forcing them open, because all you can think is that the second you let them close, you will die. Every inch of your body screams out to you that something is horrifically wrong.
There is of course an underlying fear that remains throughout all of these situations, and it's one that I'm told is exacerbated by anxiety and panic attacks. What if the doctors missed something? I believe that I do have anxiety and panic attacks, but what of the possibility that the symptoms are brought on by an actual problem that's being missed among the anxiety? Logically, I have read about and I know that this is a common fear among people who suffer from anxiety, that regardless of what the doctors have found out, something must still be horribly wrong for you to be feeling this way.
Which brings to mind another issue... the most frightening of all.
When I start looking at anxiety and panic attacks from a reasonable, analytical standpoint, it becomes terrifying.
I don't hold the ultimate control here. I never decided that I should have these symptoms, anxiety issues, panic attacks, whatever they are. This is my brain that is doing all of this to me. The part of the brain that I have no access to. If the doctors say that I am perfectly normal, and that it's my brain causing the problems, if it has the capability to cause massive physical symptoms at this level in an otherwise normal indvidiual, what's to prevent it from shutting me down entirely?
As I progress in writing this entry, it's becoming worse still. The pressure and pain is worse, along with the tingling in my arms. I can take no action to prevent it, other than to sit here and hope that it goes away. I know that it won't, because I have tried this many times before. It never goes away.
Closing my eyes and trying to meditate makes it worse. Trying to focus my mind on anything but the symptoms is impossible. Convincing myself that it's my mind, that it's all panic attacks and that I am fine does absolutely nothing, because I already know that it's a panic attack. Knowing does not alleviate the symptoms.
I'm trying that positive affirmation thing. Saying out loud, "I'm healthy. This is not dangerous to me, I have nothing to fear. I am okay. I am fine." This makes it worse, as I do it, I realize that I am talking to myself, and that talking to oneself is the first sign of madness. Perhaps I am insane.
I'm jittery and shaky once again, and afraid of repeating the pain that happened yesterday. All I do now is sit and wonder what happened to me. How did it come to this? All of my life, I have been able to face any challenges that I've run into because I've had my health. That was the thing in my life that I have always fallen back on. Now, not only do I not have my health, but it was stripped from me in a gruesome manner.
I feel completely and utterly helpless to stop any of these symptoms. Pain pills do not work, sedatives do not work, antihistamines do not work. Xanax does not work. I've tried all of these. My brain is capable of overriding any common medication.
I had been shaking my foot like crazy for the past few minutes. I just now noticed it. Apparently I have been for awhile, since when I finally stopped it, it was tingling from exertion. As it stops tingling the other symptoms increase again.
I can feel a pulsing in my chest, which radiates tingling sensations throughout my entire body, when they fade, the pain intensifies again, this time worse than before. It has gotten to the point where, if I can't feel my heart pounding in my chest, the split second that I realize it makes me believe that my heart has stopped entirely. As that realization hits me, my breath catches in my throat for a long moment, as I frantically press my palms against my breast to make sure that my heart hasn't stopped. My brain has perverted me into believing that a rapid, palpitating heartbeat is normal, and that a calm, unassuming heartbeat is dangerous. How did it do this?
When I unfocus my thoughts, being unable to feel my heartbeat in my chest is profoundly disturbing to me. For some reason it is terrifying. There is a dull heat, or at least the sensation of a dull heat spreading across my body. This is now happening repeatedly.
I know that my heart has not stopped. I am typing right now that I know this, however, my brain is still making me believe that it has, over and over again. How do I fight against this?
The journal entry ends there, as I could no longer type at that point. I sat curled up in the chair crying for 2 hours after that, before I could recover myself enough to look out on the internet for help.
If anyone knows of a way to help me, please respond. I am desperate.
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Sekujon, to NMP you will get alot of help here from a lovely set of people. I will apologise now for this long post and will try to help you if I can.
