I WISH I HADN'T TOLD HER

[Laurie28]

recently I posted a topic in which I said I told my mum about my weight loss/anxiety etc. She was very supportive and understanding. Now i wish I hadn't told her as now she is constantly on the phone to me telling me how 'guily' she feels and how she thinks it is down to her!!!

I have tried to reassure her but now I feel 'guilty' that she feels 'guilty'!!

Anyone else been in this situation?
Thought i would just get it off mu chest

Love
lucky

[Lottie32]

Lucky you

My mum would never even contemplate that anything she may have done or said could possibly have contributed to the way that I feel.

Want to swap mums? (Actually, you really don't!)

My mum was quite interested when I started CBT, but then didn't listen, and when I was struggling, kept telling me to take deep breaths, have a glass of wine, and change my attitude. THESE DON'T WORK WOMAN! HAVEN'T YOU BEEN LISTENING. Deep breaths make you panic even more, preparing the body for flight, and I don't want to become alcohol dependant, so I need a glass of wine before I go out, plus I'm driving anyway, and wine gives me really bad acid, which doesn't help my nausea. And there is nothing wrong with my outlook. I everybody else (apart from you) laugh.

In the end whenever she broached the subject, I quickly, but NICELY, changed the subject. I am presuming that you have told her exactly how you feel. Have one last go, and explain that her guilt is misplaced, and is making you feel guilty, and is making you worse not better.

And if that doesn't work, use the little one. Everytime she gets on the phone, and the subject comes up, say, I'll have to go mum, little *** is drinking the bleach again. (or something similar).

Not very helpful I'm afraid, but sometimes when people feel guilt like that they become incapable of listening!

Love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

Kids are handy sometimes!!

I've already told several callers similiar!!

I'm sorry your mum is from that school of thought. it would be nice to have a happy medium like NIc's mum!!

Love
Lucky

[Lottie32]

It's very difficult sometimes.

I have thought about letting her read Nics My Story, so she can see just how far reaching this problem is, but I don't think she would really take it on board!

I keep telling her that the "Starving Ethiopians would be glad of that" lecture only makes me worse - as well as getting upset that I cannot cure world poverty, it also makes me feel that she thinks that I am like this deliberately!!!! And have control over it. I know we can help ourselves to get better, but I certainly never "thought" myself ill in the first place!

We once (mum, dad and me) went to see a counsellor about an initial consultation. When he suggested that the problem may be caused by family relationships, my parents walked out! And my dad called him a sharlatan.

Can you find another problem for your mum to worry about? Do you have a dog with bald patches, or a friend in a state over something? I find my mum can only be concerned about one thing at a time (mainly because empathy and sympathy are not her strong points), so giving her something else to focus on takes the heat off me.

I remember when the soon to be sectioned boyfriend put all my stuff on his doorstep and phoned me at work at the pub at 11 and told me to collect it that night, I loaded my car up and went home. My mum asked what I was doing and I said I was moving back and Mr Looney Tunes had thrown me out. Her comment (after one year of emotional torture, and weighing in the lightest I have ever been at 8st 12lb) was , well you'll never keep a man whilst ever you have got that stupid horse.

Dont' think you can ever win with parents! I'd love a mum like Luckys' (sometimes).

Have you tried not answering the phone (pretending you are out) and only ringing her when you feel like talking, or leaving the phone off the hook and pretending you were internet shopping!

Charlie

[Laurie28]

That is awful !!

Have you any brothers or sisters??
Your mum would seem to pick whatever you done, some people are like that I suppose it is just a shame u have got her for a mother. You have turned out great though and have a great outlook in life, but it must be very hard

Unfortunetly I have to phone my mum everyday (if she hasn't phoned me, to make sure she is ok!!!

Take care
Love
lucky

[Lottie32]

I have a very sympathetic sister

Unfortuately she conforms -

HER Classical music / ME Rock, Indie and Bikers Rallies
HER Long term boyfriend circa 12 years / ME Single for 3 years
HER Own house / ME too poor to move out on my own - have you seen the house prices???
HER Degree / ME got into Uni and never went
HER Good job (teacher) / ME mediocre job for small firm and no se4nse of direction
HER Stopping in every night and watching tele / ME out most nights, visiting friends, playing pool matches, working for the charity I support
HER Home for family tea / ME make myself something later when get back from horses
HER Save save save / ME spend spend spend

Can you guess which column my mum fits into? This is where the differences lie - she cannot see out of her "box". If it doesn't conform to her ideal then its not worth discussing. I have even had to get boyfriends to remove ear-rings and cover up any body adornments. My mum thinks men with piercings want shooting. She once got very upset at after theatre drinks when she declared all disabled people were inadequate!!! She couldn't understand why she was called a Nazi!!! She asked me what I thought and I just said Steven Hawkins. She hadn't got a clue what I was on about.

She does love me really, but is not interested in getting to know me. Does this make sense? I think I will spend the rest of my life desperately trying to please her.

My sister to be fair, loves me like I am, and tries very hard when mum and me are together to stick up for me, as does her fiance. I suppose I am really feeling it at the minute, because the one family person who truly understood me (my late gran - and my mums mum) has died recently.

When she was ill and I was caring for her both my grans best friends said how good I was for my gran, and she wouldn't have been able to cope without me, as my mum "wasn't like me", and my sister couldn't cope. Some people are born tolerant, others aren't I suppose. I always follow my grans philosophy on life - treat others as you find them , and do unto them as you would have done unto you! She met most of my friends, and was more interested in how they spoke and behaved around her, not whether they had a degree, or their nose pierced, which at the end of the day are irrelevant!

The good thing is, that after alot of angst, I realise what the problem is. My mum doesn't, and I can't discuss it with her, so like my anxiety, I have learnt to accept it as an unchangeable part of my life!!! I really don't let it get me down too much now.

Particularly as being the oldest child I get to choose her nursing home! Ha Ha Ha (evil laugh).

Only joking

Love

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

quote:Originally posted by Lucky

I'm sorry your mum is from that school of thought. it would be nice to have a happy medium like NIc's mum!!

All

This may come back to haunt me cos my mum registered on here so I am hoping she never finds the post but here goes.

She feels guilty and responsible for my panic (mainly cos my hypnotherapist did childhood regression and I had a lot of problems with my mum - during hypnotherapy). I told my mum and she feels that she didn't do enough for me or loved me as much as my sister etc etc.

This I do NOT believe atall as I never felt unloved and we had such a lovely up-bringing.

However, when I was really ill I lived in Sheffield and I was alone so I found it hard to cope. None of my family came to see me - they live in Surrey (a long drive I know) so I guess somewhere down the line I felt they didn't care. I kept telling them not to come but they never insisted so it was just left as it was!

Anyway we had a BIG family argument a few years ago at a party. I was talking to my mums mate who has suffered from panic/anxiety/agoraphobia etc most of her life. She simply took my hands in hers and said "I understand you know". That was that I was in tears - someone that understood me, I was so relieved. I went off to the bedroom crying and my mum and sister came in. I said to them "you don't understand" and they both went mad at me. They thought I was saying "YOU DON'T CARE" and we had a big family row. All I meant was that how could they understand if they didn't suffer!

Anyway what came out of it was that they were too scared to tell me most of what when on in the family cos they thought I was close to a nervous breakdown so I never knew half of the problems they had.

So back to today. I called my mum and told her Meg (Radar) was coming to see me on Sunday and explained how I knew her. She says "but you don't have a problem driving yourself, only going in the car with others".

What can I say - most of my panic is when driving alone and she still hasn't got it 10 years on!!

So I am not sure she does understand to be honest. She has never seen me panic so she cannot understand how stressful it is for me to even go and see her cos it involves the M25 (aggghh).

Anyway, thought I would share this with you cos I know how it feels to have a mum that not only feels really guilty but also doesn't really understand


Nicola

[nomorepanic]

quote:Originally posted by Lottie32

I have thought about letting her read Nics My Story, so she can see just how far reaching this problem is, but I don't think she would really take it on board!

Charlie

My mum hasn't even read "my story" - she said it would upset her!

Nicola

[Lottie32]

Thanks for that Nic

It's really hard. My mum is my mum, and I love her, and she loves me. She just has a very strong personality, that has some edges that really could have done with smoothing out.

I sometimes wonder if she is my grans daughter - they are so different it's untrue.

I can so relate to your story. I've lost count of the times my mum says she understands, the tells me to "grit my teeth, hold my head up and get out there and do it". I'm not a negative person, and I really do try, BUT ITS NOT ALWAYS THAT EASY!

Philip Larkin got it right in his poem, "They fcuk you up your parents do ..." (even when it's not intentional, and done with love!!!!)

Thats the other reason for not wanting kids - I don't want to turn into my mum !!!! (LOL)

Love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

Nicola,

That what I get for being so presumptious!!

Never assume anything I should know that by know!!

Love
lucky