I WISH I HADN'T TOLD HER

[Laurie28]

Charlie,

It's great that your sister is supportive. (loved the gag about the nursing home)
It seems to me that your sister and you are just completely different with your interests etc!
Are u more like your dad was?
What charity do you do work for? (can I ask)

Lucky

[Lottie32]

Hi Lucky

Actually, me and my sister share loads of interests too - it's just that I don't share any of mine with my mum, but my sister has some shared interests with her (I think that makes sense). I am much more like my dad - he definitely came nearer to understanding me than my mum, but he was "scared" of my illness. Think its a generation thing - they were both born in the early forties, and were bought up to brush things like mental issues under the carpet.

My dad died in the Nightingale Continuing Care Unit at Derby. I used to work in a pub in the local village, and one or two people were in one day, saying how good it would be if we could get the "festival day" up and running again. Over drinks a group was formed, and I was nominated and elected secretary (even though I didn't want to do it!!!!)

The condition of me accepting was that some of the money raised went to the Macmillan. Eddie and his wife wanted some to go to the Colo-Rectal Unit, as Ed had had bowel cancer, and been saved by surgeons there. And Adys' wife had died of breast cancer, and he wanted a chunk to go to the breast cancer support group at Derby.

(Are you depressed yet???) Anyway, we do all sorts of things over the year, and on average our little village makes between £1,000 - £1,250 each year to donate to each charity.

So if you happen to be in Derbyshire on Spring Bank Holiday Monday and are wanting a cream tea (home made scones), a go on the tombola, bounce on the bouncy castle, a pint in the local and a dance to a live blues band in the evening, send me an e-mail and I'll give you directions!!!!!

It's great fun (sometimes) and a huge nightmare too!!! But I have made loads of friends, and it's nice to do your bit. We have been meeting once a week, and making Xmas cards and decorations, which has been a laugh - although the obligatory bottle of wine has meant some of them aren't as square as they should be! (Although getting back to a sense of worth - no matter how much I do, or how much we raise, it never seems enough!!!!)

I hate presentation night too, cos it always reminds me that my dad's not here anymore - cos if he was I wouldn't be involved. And I'd rather he be here than proud of me!

Love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

So many people (including me) always say they will do something to help charity and don't. the fact that you have done it is very admirable (especially with anxiety problems!!)

I'm sure your dad would be very very proud of you and of everything you have achieved and i am so sorry he is not here to share the pleasures of life with you

Take care
lucky

[Lottie32]

Thanks Lucky

Although if I hadn't been forced into a corner, I'm not sure that I would have been pious enough to be doing it (too selfish really)

Love

Charlie

[nomorepanic]

quote:Originally posted by Lucky

That what I get for being so presumptious!!

Lucky

I love her to bits - I just felt that you needed to know that I have problems with her too - lol - must be a mum thing! I think they feel they have failed us in some way.

I know you didn't mean anything bad by it

Nicola

[Laurie28]

My mumm is wearing me out. She was admitted to hospital for 3 weeks because of her alcohol problems. She got out last wednesday and started drinking again 2 days ago.

When I spoke to her about it she said she was worried about me!!

I am not taking the blame for her killing herself. She said dying doesn't bother her and that hurts me very much.

She is her own worst enemy now I have to listen to her drunk down the phone saying she is worried. She is wearing me out


Lucky

[Lottie32]

Dear Lucky

I'm afraid I'm going to sound v harsh again, but you really must try and distance yourself a bit from the emotional side. Like anxiety, panic, OCD and lots of other things, treatment for alcoholism is a choice.

Your mum must want to get better, in the same way we have to force ourselves to leave the house.

The only thing you are capable of doing is supporting her in her actions should she decide that she is going to try and stop drinking.

Your mum has been drinking for a long time before you told her of your problems hasn't she, and I'm afraid that she is just using you as an "excuse".

She has a lovely daughter, and two grand kids, and at the end of the day it's her option. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. (The sectioned boyfriend was an alcoholic, so I've lived with it). He also suffered from manic depression, and was prescribed some tablets from the doctor. He took them for about a month, started to feel better, then decided he was missing the beer too much, so stopped taking them as they didn't mix with alcohol. Within a week he was back to being terribly depressed and inconsolable at times. His daughter lived with his ex wife, and she was banning access whilst he drank, he spent two weeks once in bed, refusing to move, apart from going to the pub at night. He couldn't see that by simply stopping drinking, his life would improve. Instead he blamed everybody else for "making" him drink!!

It was an extremely frustrating time of my life, basically because I was powerless to do anything. I even stopped giving him any money, and buying a few cans of cheap watery lager to drink at home, but he just used to go to the local, and borrow money from people!

Have you thought about lying to your mum? You said that she didn't know, so you told her. Could you now lie and say that you are feeling much better now, to relieve the pressure from you?

It's a very hard one to call, Lucky, alcoholics are so self destructive, but they seem to take you down with them if you are not careful. It's possibly one of the most frustrating illness around, I lost count of the number of times I wanted to "kick" some sense into Al, so he'd stop.

It's really hard, but you have just got to try not to blame yourself for any of this!

You take care of yourself

love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

Hiya Charlie,

I've tried lying to her (and even telling the truth)by saying I am fine, she just replies 'no you are not!'

I've tried everything tough love, soft love, talking to her, not talking to her. Everything.

My sister is very angry as we cleaned her house an recarpeted everywhere as she was living in a slum (she never let us in for a year we had to post things thru her door for her)

My mum is 49 and I would be v. surprised if she made it to 50.
It was so nice when she was in hospital and sober it was like having my old mum back. (she was sober for 3 years when I was younger)

I need to keep in touch with her cause i couldn't bear the thuoght of her dying and no-one knowing for days.

Very upset that this disease has ruined a lovely person and she doesn't care enough about her life to give up.

Sorry Charlie but i am gutted she was only out og hospital for 1 week!!

lucky

[Lottie32]

Lucky

It's really hard, particularly as she was in hospital and "better" for three weeks - I suppose you felt like you had got your mum "back".

I don't think I have experienced anything as destructive and frustrating as alcoholism. Nobody who drinks actually seems to care about them.

I can only begin to think how you feel, but I know I felt worthless. I couldn't make Al give up, I wasn't enough. His daughter couldn't make him give up. She wasn't enought. His family couldn't make him give up, they weren't enough.

I really felt like smashing my head against the wall on so many occassions!

Of course you must keep in touch with your mum! What I was trying to convey, was that you must distance yourself a bit, in that you really can't blame yourself. Your mum has a disease, and only she can fight it. George Best is such an example of the destructive powers of alcoholism. Despite everything he has gone through, and everything he's tried, he is still abusing his body and ruining his life. Unfortunately, alcoholics seem to take everybody else with them! I felt really rejected that my being with Al and getting to see his daughter again, and making amends with his family still wasn't enough to kick start him wanting to "get better".

Did she admit herself to hospital? Had she decided to get better then had a relapse? (Don't answer these questions if they are too personal - I won't be offended). Could you get a key to her house (for her own safety), or could she move nearer so it's less of a strain for you to keep an eye on her? Have you thought about getting in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous? I don't necessarily mean for your mum, but I'm sure somebody once told me that they provided help and support for family members who were finding it hard to cope with an alcoholic in the family. I think sometimes you have to be a bit selfish, and although you obviously care alot for your mum, you must still make sure you are getting help and support for yourself too!!!

It's no consolation, but it says a lot about what a caring unselfish person you are that you haven't given up on her.

Love

Charlie

[Laurie28]

Hi Charlie,

She was admitted to hospital after i contacted the social works because she told me she wasn't eating and she was crawling around.
The social works contacted the doctor who went up and admitted her as she was weak, malnourished and was drinking 2.5 litres of cider a day!

She decided she would go into hospital as she knew it was probably her last chance and she wanted help

I will get her key to get one cut to check on her (5mins drive from my house)my sister did say however she would 'kick' her door in if she didn't let us in as she is not getting in th same physical state again.

I know alcoholism is a disease but it is something i will never understand.

People from AA have been up to see her but as you say she is the only one who can stop.

I haven't contacted AA for me as i find it difficult to talk about (even to my sister and partner)

Love
lucky