Re: Obsessive fear of losing loved ones
Ruminations concerning an overt fear of losing loved ones, particularly parental figures, is actually more common than one might think. In most cases, the fear arises from what could commonly be termed as unfinished business. It is a barrier between what a person feels compelled about and the limitations imposed in being able to identify and successfully resolve it. This seldom occurs at a young age, most often manifesting in middle age and at a point where some recognition that life is finite becomes part of the equation.
The most common underlying force which drives the emotional strain of anticipated loss is guilt. The life of loved ones becomes reviewed often and with it, mounting influences that speak of burden, suffering, frailty, disadvantage and other characterizations which are amplified by one's role, or contrasting absence of influence, that may seem contributory.
An overt dependence, whether real or perceived, is often a suggestion that some element of the person's life is fulfilled through the latent retention of the earlier parent-child relationship to various stages. It is this uncharacteristic bond which forms the basis for fear of loss as both parent and child age into an era where loss by death becomes more realistic. This bond is also strengthened by a transition of the relationship between parent and child through aging that alters their roles in many instances, wherein care becomes a mutual context and in some cases, entirely reversed. So just as a mother of early years might experience overt fear of the loss of the child, so too might the child in later years as an adult equally fear the loss of the parent.
Much of this transition, however, depends largely upon the basis for emotional development. The polar ends of this transition would be characterized on one hand by the child who sacrifices much of their time to caretake for their parents, contrasted by a child or children who place their parents into a retirement or nursing home to avoid the practical and emotional strain of dealing with advancing age and ultimately death of the parents.
From a more internal standpoint, where the fear of loss becomes obsessive, it speaks to the need to examine one's emotional architecture to determine what the loss actually would translate to, beyond the normal patterns of grief that any child or spouse would suffer. In other words, it would help produce insight by individually examining all of the points which collectively raise the level of fear to obsessive proportions. In most instances, the fear is based upon irrational perceptions which must be resolved and extracted from the remainder of concerns for obvious reasons.
Most introspection of this type will reveal that the individual actually more fears the impact it will have upon their own life rather than elements associated with the death of the parent or spouse themselves. This revelation is often avoided since it constitutes a repulsion and egocentric viewpoint, but nevertheless remains a reality and normal human emotive characteristic.
The path to reduction in disproportionate fear of this nature is often found in confronting the parent or spouse in a manner that will permit insight into how the other person might be contemplating the issue. This will many times bring the irrational and emotionally charged points to the surface to be dealt with together rather than from a point of isolation. The brain is unique in that it will rekindle elements of conflict to whatever extent is necessary to try and induce resolution. Hence, obssessive thought patterns seem relentless and immutable to being extinguished.
Speaking directly and intimately about your concerns to the very person where the focus is centered will surprisingly produce various stages of relief and more importantly, insight into the circumstances that subsequently possess mutual input and emotional balance.
The final point I wish to offer here is that loss and grief will forever be a part of life, but it is the active pursuit of balancing these undesirable experiences with those associated with the undeniable joy and love which existed for a far greater period of time. The acceptance of eventual loss can be balanced by the fact that these lives shared can never truly be lost. They are eternal.
Best regards,
Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)
Last edited by RLR; 19-05-10 at 01:52.
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My husband gets annoyed by it as well. Then I take offense to it, that he doesn't care as much about me although I know I am completely wrong. I feel for you and I cannot comment if this specific obsession is OCD or not. I think too that we care for things so much that we never want to lose them or have something bad happen to them. I have this with physical objects too.
Originally Posted by stefany
