Please, is there anyone who can help me?

[kate]

Although I suffer generally from anxiety and, at times, depression, the main reason I avoid places is due to something that causes me great embarrasment. My life is totally ruled by my fear of violence, either towards me or just witnessing it happening to anyone. This first started when I witnessed a large fight in a pub and it has escalated from there. I also worked in a canteen at a college and for the last 2 years that I was there, myself and my workmates endured verbal abuse, a lot of fights between students, and 2 students were stabbed. I also had a firework set off behind me in a coridor. I eventually could not cope with the violent atmosphere and left,I now work in a school with no problems at all. However,my fear of violence has grown so large that I avoid so many places, as you can never be sure that you will not encounter it at any time and anywhere. I have had CBT, medication, seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist but unfortunately, this has not been successful.

I have also searched for phobias regarding this problem, and although there seems to be phobias for almost everything, I have never come across any information for my particular problem.

Today, when my daughter was walking home from school with her friends,they passed a group of girls from another school close by to my daughters. Their was a bit of an argument and one of my daughters friends was hit in the face by one of the girls from the other school. I am now worried about my daughter going to school tomorrow in case something happens to her. My son has also been set upon twice by kids from this other school and I was terrified for him for weeks after it had happened.

I just cant see any way to overcome this problem, and I feel so desperate.I have been like this for the past 10 years or so but it has got worse the last few years and I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with it.

Sorry that this post is so long, but I am really at my wits end. Is there anyone out there who has any experience whatsoever of the kind of anxiety that I have got?

Thanks a lot for reading this

Kate x

[benoo5]

hello kate,

this fear,is a rational fear,that not only affects you,but millions of people in this country.

ask ten senior citizens,if they leave the house,when its dark,and nine will say no,ime too scared of violence.

there are housing estates,that i will not take my ambulance into,unless i am given a police escort.

your fears are the same as your neighbours,but unfortunately,unless you move to a peaceful country village,there is not an awful lot we can do about it.

i dont think this is a phobia kate,i think its just a sign of our times,but its also a great worry,that should not be carried on your shoulders,its obviously worrying you a lot,and perhaps your husband can help by taking some of the chores off your shoulders.

sorry ime not much help,but i wish you well..bryan.

[nomorepanic]

Hi Kate

Good to see you back here again. Sorry to hear about your problems - this is the first time you have opened up and told me about them and I am pleased that you have.

I can sympathise with you but have no real experience of this type of phobia so I will see what other people have to say first.

Kids are quite tough and they will probably bounce back a lot quicker than you realise so don't worry too much about them. Sit them down and ask them how they feel, are they scared etc? If so then it needs to be reported to the school.

You need to move on from the past as much as you possibly can - try to tell yourself that was has happened has happened and you can't change it now. We all have ghosts in our past that come back to haunt us but we need to put them to bed and move on the best we can.

Your fear is no different to anyones elses - we are put in a situation, we are terrified and from then on we avoid the situation and it develops into a fear.

The more you face the fear then you can keep re-affirming that it just that - a fear - and it has to be hit face on to get over it.

I am not sure this has helped but please keep your chin up and you will get there in time.



Nicola

[twister]

Hi Kate

Do you think maybe this is a a kind of fear of not being in control? You are fearing situations on which you can have no bearing.

I disagree with Bryan in that it is not just a sign of the times, it does sound like a real fear just like agrophobia or claustrophobia. I live in inner city London but I dont fear violence when I go out - anything that makes you avoid doing something is I think a real fear and we all focus on different things....

Emily

[benoo5]

emily,

i have friends who work high up in canary wharf,since sep 11th,they have become anxious,and two of them are ,for the first time in there lives,receiving therapy...they cannot leave their jobs,they are mortgaged above there heads,and because of their high wages are in a catch 22 situation.

times have changed emily,london,where you live is a target for terrorists,we are told to be vigilant,and we are,but that also makes us anxious,all ime saying ,is this is not a phobia,its just part of living in the 21st century...bryan.

[twister]

we have been talking about this in the chat room tonight. I agree with you that fear is common, but Kate says she fears violence even in sleepy villages and that she feels her fear is above normal anxiety thresholds.

I just didnt want Kate to feel that her fear of violence is something not that bad and that everyone feels the same, because to her it is the main focus of her anxiety, i.e she says her life is ruled by her fear of violence and she avoids many places because of it. Do you agree Kate??


Emily

[kate]

Emily is right. Although I appreciate that most people have fears of violence to a certain extent, they do not run their lives by it. A lot of people I know wouldnt go into dodgy areas in the city but they wouldnt let a general fear of violence stop them from living their lives.I couldnt begin to list the places that I have to avoid due to the fact that, in my mind, a violent incident might occur. How many people would avoid the motorway due to the possibility of road rage?This is just an example of the way in which it totally rules my life, so I do think that my fear is very excessive.

Kate x

[benoo5]

kate,

just yesterday,i was travelling at speed,approaching a roundabout,we have to stick to the law,and give way to the oncoming traffic from the right..normally because of the blues and twos they stop...but this beat up old transit didnt,and so i reluctantly cut him up...the two guys in the van chased me for about two miles,breaking the speed limit, so they could swear at me,try to spit at me..i had to call for police asistance...for gods sake,my job is to help people that are ill...yes its road rage...but it didnt happen years ago.

my youngest is 18,so i can remember worrying about her ,when walking to school and back,on her own,i would see all the horrible things happening to young kids,on the tv news.

i know kate,you have suffered for many years,and i know if you write a post about how your feeling,you are not exagerating...i never meant to start an argument...i tried to support you,by saying that most people have the same fears as you,best wishes..bryan.

[Meg]

Hi Kate,

This is so difficult to cope with , yet so common.

Everyone has genuine concerns about this and that those could become real without any fault of your own, it's simply the wrong place , wrong time thing.
I would challenge anyone who said that it never crossed their mind at all but most people can rationalize and actively risk manage it to the point of simply not being an issue to them.

Once someone has experienced violence and abuse first hand those fears grow and can escalate out of perspective. People react in various ways - they get scared and avoid or they get angry and confront.
There are lots of angry people out there and many of them have been in a terrifying situation previously and now react to daily life with anger in order to get through. Often the worst bullies, once stood up to, shrivel up before your eyes. Also 'pack' mentality carries a huge power, remove the pack and the leader is a puppy.

The real difference to this is in how much time, effort and energy we give those worries. We worrywarts will analyse it and not only think about the reality but also about the infinate amount of possibilities and the 'It might , what if's' .

These are situations where we are not in primary control but often by our actions if the situation shpould arise, we either fuel the situation or can diffuse it by the way we react and act.

The media fuels this by heavily reporting on all of these incidents and issuing enormous time to examining each possibility
Ie when the anthrax thing was on in the US we all had days of the entire media explaining all about it and how to minimize our risks, when in that particular case, the reality was that , the risk to us as individuals likely to get an anthrax envelope through the post was miniscule but we each could have felt like our turn was imminent ...

BY contrast the media only gives a tiny airing or column space to people who have done wonderful things in times of adversity for each other. Many of these go unreported.

Kate, it is a phobia in that you have a fear that is now out of proportion to the reality of daily risk to you and one that you have been a genuine victim of and now are, by no fault of your own, continuing to play that role because of your fears.

As with all phobias , exposure and time without incident is the key. However, if when exposing someone to snakes and they got bitten - nobody would be suprised if the snake phobia worsened and this is the case with you, as your children and those close to you have been 'bitten' or you hear about people who have been bitten.

I don't know of a magic answer.
I would suggest a couple of things though- in order to try to be more in control

Teach your children and remind yourself how to diffuse a situation rather than fuel it.

All of you learn some form of self defense - tai kwan do or something else that's fun but also useful should you really need it one day.

Avoid reading every bad news article in the paper or watching CNN or local version and dwelling on the fine detail of the stories.

Lessen your own thoughts of vunerability by being strong and really making yourself go places that you would prefer to avoid but which you know are realistically actually low risk and keep going there until it feels a safer place than it did.

It's quite like getting over agoraphobia- you just have to do it and see that your fears don't happen each time you go there.

Was your Mum protective and cautious and perhaps taught you to be careful and you've grown this further ?

Know when avoidance is absolutely fine and a very rational decision indeed.

I hope that makes some sort of sense.
Apologies for rambling a bit .

How are you teaching your children to cope with the situations ?


Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[kate]

Meg, I am sitting here in tears having read your reply.You understand my fears so well. It has taken me years to actually admit the extent of my fears and to know that people actually understand them is such a BIG relief to me.Thank you so much.

My children do not even think that the incidents that have happened to them are a big deal. They just say, well its happened,move on. Its me that is left with more fuel to add to my own fire.

As Emily said, and also my psychologist,it could be a control thing, in so far that I have to feel in control of everything that happens to both myself and all my nearest and dearest.If I do not feel in control then I have somehow failed (well thats what the psychologist says!).

Thanks again for your caring words everyone.

Kate x