HA spiralling out of control

[jojo2316]

I think I am really losing it and I don't know what to do. I feel terrified all the time and I've started paying for all sorts of medical tests without telling anyone (which, apart from anything else, I can't afford!!).
Last week I lied about my age and name to get a mammogram (you have to be 40 - I am nearly a decade younger). This came back as normal, although they commented that my breast tissue was very dense. In the last year I have also had TWO breast ultrasounds - both came back as normal - but I am STILL really worried I may have breast cancer.

On top of this, I have had an MRI colonoscopy, a gynae ultrasound, an abdominal ultyrasound and a full blood works. Again, all normal. And again, I didn't tell anyone in my family - I lied about where I was and what I was doing etc.

And I spend every day, nearly all day, worrying about having cancer. I KNOW it is illogical, and yet I can't stop. It is starting to ruin my life and the lives of others too, because it is turning me into a really rubbish wife and mother..... although I do try to act normal.

[tashbarnes87]

Aww hun, i am sorry to hear things are crappy at the moment i put it down to the time of year. The thing with HA which i have learnt is that it is completely irrational 9 times out of 10 to other people but it doesnt matter to us it is very very real and intense fear. Its always with me ' what if i stop checking my body and im too late'' or with the odds i keep reading im sure to be ill at some point and then send myself in to a sheer panic. Its exahusting and then i dont sleep and its goes round and round and round. One thing i have learnt is that after the baby is born i am going to speak to the doc about medication although i really dont want too i feel that my quality of life living with this fear isnt great and outweighs the side effects of medication. Have you considered this route? i know how much it can suck i am suffering myself at the moment and like you its dominating my life. :( chin up if you want to pm me at anytime feel free
xx

[lesleya]

Aw jojo, I really feel for you, health anxiety is the pitts!
Im just guessing from your post that your family dont know how your suffering? I know its hard to try and get someone to understand how your feeling if theyve not experienced the same thing themselves, but you need to try though for your own sake. You will make yourself ill worring like this alone. I used to try and hide how i was feeling from my husband, but there comes a time when you have to...and it does help, honestly. It eases the load a little knowing you can share how your feeling...and we're always here on nmp to try to help you too. Take care hun, and i wish you well soon.
xx

[Ellie Ann]

Hello. I'm new here but felt I had to post because I understand exactly what you mean. I have been diagnosed with GAD and worry mainly about health (mine and my familys). It seems that I can't remember a Christmas during recent years that hasn't been ruined by my constant worrying - thinking that this would be my last Christmas with my family etc. It breaks my heart because I have a five year old daughter and I can't remember a Christmas when I've been able to relax and enjoy her happiness. I dread Christmas now - because I know I'll be miserable and anxious.

Over the past couple of years I have had an MRI, abdominal ultrasounds (2), stool tests, urine tests, blood tests, that thing where they put a camera down your throat to look at your stomach etc etc, etc. On top of that I've put myself through the most embarrasing gp examinations - just for reassurance.

Just now I am waiting for a cardiology appointment because I am having continuous irregular heartbeats - which of course, is absolutely terrifying me.

So - you are not alone. I'm glad I've found this place. Take care.

Ellie.

[jojo2316]

Thank you for your replies - it helps so much to know I am not alone. With me, my HA came on rather suddenly after the birth of my second child about a year ago. I hoped it would gradually fade, but I think I am actually on a worsening trend. There seems to be an OCD element to it: the obsessive thoughts and repetitive checking.... it is so all consuming. Everyday i am worrying about some symptom or other. Today it is lumpy breasts and a 'full' sensation in one ear. Yesterday it was funny lumps at the back of my tongue. The day before that it was a weird throat tickle. It is just so EXHAUSTING. To sensible people all this sounds rediculous, but my fear is real. I wish I could just switch it off. But I can't. :-((((

[anx mum]

hi its anx mum u getting my pm messages?

[Ellie Ann]

...my anxiety is so much worse after having my children. Like you, I wish I could just switch these awful feelings off and be 'normal' for a change.

[Rootytooty]

Hi Jojo,

Hope you are feeling a bit better.

I have been thinking about getting a gynae ultrasound done privately, as my gp has referred me to gynae, and I am still waiting for the appointment. as you can imagaine, the waiting is causing me great anxiety (two weeks later, I still don't have an appointment).

The trouble is, I don't know how to go about it. Do I b=need to get my Dr to refer me to a private practice? Or can I just approach a private hospital?

Thanks for any advice you can give me

[Trixie]

I think I am really losing it and I don't know what to do. I feel terrified all the time and I've started paying for all sorts of medical tests without telling anyone (which, apart from anything else, I can't afford!!).
Last week I lied about my age and name to get a mammogram (you have to be 40 - I am nearly a decade younger). This came back as normal, although they commented that my breast tissue was very dense. In the last year I have also had TWO breast ultrasounds - both came back as normal - but I am STILL really worried I may have breast cancer.

On top of this, I have had an MRI colonoscopy, a gynae ultrasound, an abdominal ultyrasound and a full blood works. Again, all normal. And again, I didn't tell anyone in my family - I lied about where I was and what I was doing etc.

And I spend every day, nearly all day, worrying about having cancer. I KNOW it is illogical, and yet I can't stop. It is starting to ruin my life and the lives of others too, because it is turning me into a really rubbish wife and mother..... although I do try to act normal.

Right, OK so you get cancer what then? I have many friends who have had cancer and are 100% fit now. Why should cancer be a death sentence?

I have three friends who had cancer had it sorted and now by the sounds of it are living a far better life than you are.

One has started dating, one is in uni and having a fantastic time and the other, well she is enjoying life.
Kiley had cancer she is back on stage singing now, Russel Watson has just released a new record.

If you stopped thinking of cancer as a death sentence you might feel a bit better.

Me, well I don't suffer from HA, I love comedy, my pets, I have lots of friends, go places, go to evening classes (art) try and do things in my garden, go on the internet etc etc.

I have a brain tumour called Tina and to be truthful I hardly think about it.

You must stop having all these tests not only is it a waste of money they are pointless as you don't believe the results anyway. Not only that someone who may REALLY need a test may be pushed to the back of the queue.

Come on now you know you can do it.

[discogirl]

JoJo

I totally understand where you are coming from and my husband thinks I'm a complete loony for being so 'pro-active' about my health. In 5 years I've know him, he has been to the doctors once, I've been about 30 times.........

I worry about cancer too, but to be fair, only when I have something wrong with me, the rest of the time I dont really think about it.

However, when I feel ill I always imagine the worst! I'm going through some things at the moment and have made myself insane worrying about it being something serious and I insisted my gp did a general blood screen which was fine, but I am still worrying!!

I am seeing a private specialist tonight (you have to get referred by your gp) and I know I'm going to ask him to do more bloods to put my mind at rest! However, with the amount of tests that you've had done, I think it is pretty much 100% certain that you do not have a serious illness! Also worrying will only make you feel so much worse and can bring on a whole range of symptoms.

I hope this has helped!
Discogirl