Hey guys I need some advice about my parents, the post is long sorry

[joyce1980]

My brother Passed away a year ago this Friday and since that day, my parents have been drinking at least a bottle of red wine each a night.

My brother died from an epileptic fit (he was diagnosed 2 years before, since before then we were told he had behavior problems as the fits he was experiencing were internal and came out as aggression they misdiagnosed him as add)

My brother always needed support even at 27yrs, he had a few fits at 4am on my mum and they were quick, she kept the room clear and let him finish the fits, he was yelling loudly (it upset my mum) so my mum went out of the room and waited, this happened a few times and the fits were short, when the last one happened she checked on him and he looked asleep.. he was not. mum came back in 20mins later to double check and she knew,,,, ever since then she has blamed herself for letting him pass away. this has been very hard for me as i am the only child left and I know my mum has always had mental problems but this sent her over the edge.

The Dr/coroner told her he dies of sudep and there was nothing anyone could have done anyway, even if she called the ambulance the chances that they would come would be slim as you let them fit and then they rest... 1 in 1000 dies of this fit a year and not many people know about it.

She thinks that it's her fault, but the fir happens in another part of the brain and shuts the signal the the internal organs , no one knows how to stop this,,, sometimes it just happens.

Now a year on my parents are drinking 3 scotches and wine every night, they have full time jobs and hold them they take care of the animals and I am another country away.. I am coming home with my husband to give them company as I love them and want them to get better.

WHAT do I do about the drinking, I don't want them to die... I have lost my only brother... I am hoping that us being with them will distract them from the drinking as i think its because the are lonely, my brother was always there.......

My husband gets annoyed and tells them to stop but they are adults you can't do that... I'm hoping there is another method or is this just grief???? and after a few years it will get better.

They are stubborn and say they are sad, my dad knows they drink too much and had admitted it he thinks that us being there will help as they are just alone at night..... this is the first time my dad had admitted the problem ... my mum wont

Please can anyone advise me, I am scared to lose my parents

I'm 26 and need advice,


Thanks

[bottleblond]

Hi Joyce

I am so very sorry to hear about your brothers death, it must have hit you all very hard.

Can i ask if your parents have had or been offered any councilling to help deal with their bereavement?. I am going to give you a number and a web site address for Cruse Bereavement Care. Even if you make the initial contact, they will give you some very helpfull advice and support for yourself and your parents...

Cruse Bereavement Care
phone: 0844 477 9400

website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Very best of luck Joyce
Love Lisa
xxx

[joyce1980]

Hi Joyce

I am so very sorry to hear about your brothers death, it must have hit you all very hard.

Can i ask if your parents have had or been offered any councilling to help deal with their bereavement?. I am going to give you a number and a web site address for Cruse Bereavement Care. Even if you make the initial contact, they will give you some very helpfull advice and support for yourself and your parents...

Cruse Bereavement Care
phone: 0844 477 9400

website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Very best of luck Joyce
Love Lisa
xxx

Yes they have but my mum wont talk to the psychiatrist as she thinks she is more clever than he. she has been dealing with mental problems her whole life, they both visit the Dr for check ups and run their life well but still manage to drink so much ever night without fail.
So did both of thier parents but my mum and dad... never this much

I shall call that number for advice, thank you

[joyce1980]

Has anyone had this kind of problem and is 3 glasses of wine and a few scotches a night too much, they don't look drunk and my mum gets up early for work... i just don't want them to damage their bodies.

THANK YOU FOR ANY OTHER INPUT

[kitty_boom]

Hi Joyce,

I also worry so much about my parents, they have had a lot of stress last few years and now my mum has moved back to Sicily and my dad is on his own I worry even more! What happened to your family sounds extremely traumatic and people need to cope in different ways, but the fact you will be moving in with them is brilliant. In this way you can keep an eye on them, and you can all take care of each other. I don't really know about the drinking and the effect on their health, but when you live together you can help each other out and I think you are taking a very positive step!

I wish you all the best and send some warm hugs for you!

[joyce1980]

Thanks mate

[Cathy V]

Joyce, I know everyone is different with regards to how much damage alcohol can do, but until recently i was drinking on a daily average 2 glasses of red wine and 3 large vodka and tonics. I was never drunk and could still function, but these drinks relaxed me and helped me to sleep. The wine i would usually have with a meal, and the vodka followed throughout the evening.

I had a blood test this time last year for a liver count, not exactly sure what it means but was told a normal count is 35 and mine was 106. I had another one done 2 weeks ago and it was 200. I had already decided to cut down my drinking in the weeks before this last test, and so now the doc has told me to stick absolutely to only one small galss of wine with a meal, or stop altogether.

I wasnt an alcoholic in the sense that i didnt drink vodka or wine for breakfast, but what i was drinking was damaging me slowly. Maybe your parents dont realise how bad it can be even in these quantities. Its easy to convince yourself that because you are still able to live your life and work, that its not harming you.

I dont know what the answer is Joyce, because the decision has to come from them ultimately. I know you and I have spoken briefly about this situ before and im truly sorry that you're still in the middle of it. They will get through their grief eventually, but i wish they would also realise what they are doing to you, their only remaining child. They must know how they are hurting you too. But in their defence, a drinking probelm is not an easy thing to break away from.

I hope you all get through friday as best you can anyway. Take care.
Cathy xxx

[Cathy V]

Sorry, but if i can also pick up on the part about everyone being different with regards to how much alcohol their bodies can tolerate. My doc did tell me that there was another female patient who only ever had 2 glasses of wine in the evenings and yet her liver count was really high too.

To put your own mind at ease, perhaps your parents would agree to have this blood test done, and if the results are ok, then at least you wont be worrying about their drinking. Their body may be ok with the amount they drink..who knows?

[PUGLETMUM]

i really feel for all of you. i know you say your mum has had mental problems all her life - me too - and i lost my mum and couldnt cope, until lots of time had passed. but i did make choices that havent helped me as a result of my mum dying.i think having a history of anxiety or depression does make grief harder to bear - you beleive you cant cope and you will always feel sad - maybe this is the reason they are trying to numb themselves - personally for me i took sleeping tablets for a year.

what im trying to say is that i think your parents greif is all-consuming for them at the moment and this is how thye are choosing (prob feels like thye are compelled though as they are in so much emotional pain?)

things will get better with time - it is true, but it will always be there just not so painful as it is now. care for them and care for yourself

[joyce1980]

Thanks all, I now believe the best thing I can do right now is get home and sus out the situation, Cathy my mum and dad drink as you have, in the evening and the wine with the dinner.

I feel like i'm watching from an outside window and it's killing me as I know the ending already.
Everyone says how hind sight would be a wonderful thing.... well I can tell them what's going to happen and my husband knows how I will react and I don't want that, they should kick on into their 80's that's what, also as their daughter I am selfish because I want them to live for me!!

Honestly when the hell did life get this hard...