I want my life back

[emma1980]

I'm not sure where to put this or what to say really but I'm so scared of the situation I'm in and am losing hope that it will ever improve.

I've had panic attacks on and off for years, but have always managed to just about cope. Then 5 months ago I started a new job and my partner's dad died, and I had what my doctor says was a nervous breakdown - constant anxiety symptoms and unable to cope on my own. I had to move back in with my parents as my partner is unable to look after me - he's so broken over losing his dad that I'm more than he can deal with as well.

I miss my partner desperately - we are 150 miles apart now. We speak usually every other day and he comes over to see me once every few weeks. I feel so worthless and useless that I can't do anything to support him. He lost his dad and then he lost me, and I'm so so sorry that I can't be strong for him.

I've become pretty much agoraphobic now and feel terrified of going anywhere - I can go out for short distances but it's very very difficult. I'm also terrified a lot of the time when I'm in the house though - I'm just so aware that I feel like I'm trapped and I'm wasting my life. I'm trying to build up what I can in very small steps but I feel like I've lost everything and I'm so scared I'll never get better. I don't want to be like this forever. I'm constantly worrying about the next place I need to go to or the next time I'll be on my own, and everything just feels so unreal all the time, and I'm so utterly scared.

[alias_kev]

This is clearly a horrible situation and you have my complete sympathy. I'm lucky in that although I can "get in a panic" I do not suffer from full blown panic attacks. So in that sense forgive me for replying but your plea sounded so strong I thought I'd offer what thoughts I can...

1. As you've had problems with Panic for a long time it is not too surprising that both changing jobs and dealing with a bereavement and a quite reasonably needy partner pushed you over the edge. These all involve lots of change, lots of emotion and lots of responsibility. All us anxiety sufferers seem to respond badly to some (or all) of those things.

I wonder also if infact you'd only recently moved from home to that distant place and/or in with the partner? If this were the case then you had even more of a change/emotional backlog hanging over you.

So as a first step you may need to recognise and accept that you had a lot of things to deal with and that (at that time) you could not manage it. By accept I don't mean give up or make yourself a failure I just mean come to terms with that situation so that you can move on.

2. Panic Attacks and Agoraphobia.

Although I went through a phase when I felt inclined to stay in or even stay in the bedroom to avoid confrontation, responsibility, etc I cannot offer first hand experience of this. From my reading about anxiety and of Posts Here I get the impression that agoraphobia at its strongest is a response either to panic attacks or social phobia (sometimes both). ie. it feels massively safer to stay in and not "embarrass yourself".

Given how you ended up at home it would seem likely that it all stems at the moment from your earlier crisis. The biggest cause of panic attacks appears to me - from reading - to be fear of the attacks themselves, either physical symptoms causing an escalation of panic or anticipation of an attack. Its not easy to find a magic cure for those situations but perhaps see if your GP can get you some cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or other anxiety counseling. You may also be able to buy this locally if you have about £35 for each session. CBT aims to retrain your brain and responses so you can control the escalation and anticipation. Even basic counseling can offer help with managing the physical symptoms which in turn can offer help with actual attacks.

3. Phobia bits

I've been reading about tackling phobia (like) stuff. This always seems to need you to tackle it head on BUT in small achievable - but not too easy - steps. So in many ways you are on the right track already. The goal is either to control the panic or just wait it out. Apparently we cannot panic indefinitely (I guess the body runs out of chemicals) so with enough will power & support its possible to the to the other side of it. It is quite acceptable to make the first challenges quite easy and to use tricks/aids/helpers to overcome the initial challenges. Like walking with crutches, then a stick, then freely for a physical injury.

The idea is that each time we give in the phobic response/avoidance/panic (in any combination) we sort of prove the validity of the fear to ourselves. By confronting this type of fear we prove it wrong and get a little better each time. I have my personal doubts that general anxiety can be dealt with this way as its too diffuse and unfocused. But it does make sense to me for phobia (like) behaviors.

Hope this helps - I'm no expert - just a sufferer reading as much as I can between all sorts of crisis. So as the Americans say "your mileage may vary". I'm interested to know if anyone else agrees with what I've written or contradicts it.

[hoppipolla]

I've had similar kinds of things before ._.

It is really sucky when you feel like things just got too much and you had what they described as a "nervous breakdown", I guess that could be seen as what I had too during uni ._.

I was barely leaving the house, and I felt like I would faint anytime I did, it was really horrible :(

And I know it can feel like you're losing days of your life and things, but don't worry, LOTS of people go through phases like this if/when things get too tough, and it's not a sign of weakness or anything bad, it's just part of being human and reacting to when things become too much for you to cope.

But, hang on in there, keep making small steps to recovery and don't be too hard on yourself

Try to go out sometimes from time to time, don't push yourself too hard, and feel free to go back to the house if you feel bad. That way you will feel more comfortable, and the outside and things still feel "safe"

I really wish you luck anyway, and just take your time and take the pressure off of yourself, things will be ok

Mike

[anx mum]

Know how u feel when u say u want your life bk. Ive been feeling bad over 4 months and really gets u down. Today my chest pains r bk

[BasilCat]

I have got a bit of my life back but I want to be back to normal 100% too. I know how you all feel. Really I do. Sorry you are having chest pains today anx mum.

Shirley
x x x

[fran7999]

Emma,

I really feel for you. I've suffered from panic/anxiety attacks for about 4 years now! Some days are better than others. They started when i came out of a relationship and have continued ever since. I went down to 6 stone through severe anxiety, i've lost jobs through not being able to cope with the working environment and i've put my family through hell with worry.

You are not alone and i know it probably feels like you are but the best advice i can give you is the more you push myself to do stuff, the better you will feel. I had agrapobia for about 3 months when i just would't leave the house and gosh it's so hard because your body wants to go out and be normal but your mind is trapping you. You just need to be positiive and keep talking to yourself. 'you can do this' ' just try it and if you don't like it you can go back in' it's all about trying, the more you don't try and do things the worse it will get. Honestly you need to try and be so strong. I'm going through a really bad wave of panic at the mo. I was driving back to London last weekend, and i had a major panic, i just couldn't drive, i had to call my dad who was 2 hours away to come and pick me up, it was a huge blow to me and i was hysterical. The worse panic i had had in 4 years. The week has been terrible for me but something is making me carry on.

If ever you want to chat or want any adive i would be happy to offer advice, i've tried so many things.

Best wishes. x

[emma1980]

Thank you so much for your replies - it means a lot that other people can relate to what I'm going through, and it gives me hope that others have recovered from this as well.

alias_kev - I'd been living with my partner for a few years but don't have many friends there. I'm aware that when/if I'm well enough to go back, I need to work on building up my own support network as I think I've always relied too heavily on my partner for emotional support. And thanks, your other advice is useful - I've had some CBT-based support and am working on building up what I can manage. I guess I probably just want the impossible - to be immediately better and to go back to how my life was. I'm wondering if I'm just going through a kind of grieving process for everything I feel I've lost.

[Diane O'Brien]

Hi Emma

Just read your thread. I,ve added u on facebook. Look foward to chat to u sometime on chat or facebook.

Look after yourself hun.


Diane xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[sam_1]

i kno hw u feel, i feel awful too. like such a burden on everone else. i hope u begin to feel better soon. xx

[alias_kev]

... I need to work on building up my own support network as I think I've always relied too heavily on my partner for emotional support. And thanks, your other advice is useful ...
I'm wondering if I'm just going through a kind of grieving process for everything I feel I've lost.

Hi Emma1980, I am glad I was able to offer something constructive, and that you've had some other support/CBT etc. Its hard to quess from many postings where on the road many people are. Some show up here (and places like it) as the first step for others its when they need that bit extra and they already know some of the jargon and therapies etc.

Sorry if the post was long - some people hate that - but I like to be clear, especially if I'm responding to an otherwise unknown situation/person. One needs to teach them to read a map not tell them what to do (I think).

Your partner going from support to need may well have been the final straw. Equally most anxious people are good at guilt too so you may have felt bad for not giving as much AS YOU thought you should. With both together and no close friends locally its easy to implode. Perhaps more so if someone has history with anxiety/panic/depression.

Glad the advise helped - do look at other info though. Don't take me as gospel I'm just a quick studier and quite good at analysis (except of myself and my own problems ofcourse!).

I think the grief/change/coping thing is a fair comment. Many of us lose our direction or our self-definition or indeed people/things and struggle to cope. For those of us in the spectrum of anxiety/panic/depression it can be worse as we have a weakness to snare us - so rather than having a natural short-term blip we get caught in something nastier. On the other hand most modern therapies (CBT ,CT, BT) try not to focus so hard on history and causes but on the Now and the Future. They say we have free will and can change BUT it may ofcourse be hard. So I think its reassuring to understand why we fell (there's much less of a sense of random global incompetance or failure) BUT the goal is to change the present slightly and the future even more.

I use the analogy of being in a room where there is a small fire occuring in the corner. At the first moment we wake up and notice there is little value in knowing what caused it. Later in the process it may be useful to know but to begin we just have to take some control of the immediate situation.

Good Luck and stay in touch here.