Looking back......

[kate]

Today my son took his final GCSE exam and officially left school, though he will be going back for 6th form in September to take his A levels.

Tonight I cried for the last 16 years which have passed in a haze of panic, anxiety and depression. I cried for the wasted years, the worrying about "bad" things happening, the constant anxiety and worry.

Everything in my life needs to change. My job is soooo boring, I want to live somewhere better. I sold my house last year but changed my mind about moving cos I was too scared that I might be making the wrong decision . It took me 2 whole years to settle into my present job, to feel that I actually belonged, and the thought of going through all that again just seems too much to handle.

And, the thing that hit me the most, is that I'm STILL constantly worrying about what might happen, what might go wrong. I'm still wasting each and every day worrying about something that is happening in the future. Everytime my kids go out I'm worrying about what might happen to them. My son is 16, I can't really expect him to stay home all the time. He has a lovely girlfriend and is a really great lad. They are going to a party on Friday night in a room at a pub, and I'm already worrying about all the things that might go wrong.

After all these years, I still find it impossible to think positively, always think the worst, always react in the same, predicatable panicky way. I feel my mind is stuck in panic mode, automatically worrying at everything and anything.

I just want to get better.

Kate x

[carlin]

Hi Kate,
Sorry you are feeling a bit rough right now. My daughter has also just finished her exams and is also going to college in september, i know how hard it is and the constant worry you have, he sounds a very sensible and loving lad, and his girlfriend sounds great too Your anxiety doesn't seem to have affected him too badly, he sounds just like the average 16 year old, i have spent years worrying about my 4 children, unbeknown to them, of course, the two eldest have turned out just fine, still going through the worrying stage with my 15 and 16 year old. anxiety does cause us to worry, any parent worries about their children, it is hard work, but it seems to me as if you have done a splendid job! Sorry to have go on, but i think i know how you are feeling.

[josiepickle]

Hi Kate

My daughter also completed her exams today and so I know exactly how you are feeling.

Lets dry our eyes and look forward to our kids great futures!!!

Love Jo x

[kate]

Thanks both of you for your replies.

It just kind of brought it home to me today how life has just passed by so quickly and I'm still waiting to start living.

Kate x

[Meg]

Kate,

Sorry you're struggling Kate.

Have you been back for a top up to that hypnotherapist that helped you previously. You know what you need to do but maybe need some extra help anchoring it.

Could you pick an area of your life that you try to practice the rationalizing exercises on - maybe about the house and garden if kids are too hard straight away.

Whilst positive is the ideal I found rationalizing/ risk management into possibilities/ probabilities of occurance easier to accept as I was dealing with real life not fairy tale land.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[kate]

Meg,

After my 2 sessions with the hypnotherapist, certain things in my life did change for the better and these changes are still in place. The type of hypno that I had invlolved the hypnotist asking my sub conscious at what age my various problems started. He then asked my sub conscious which age I wanted to tackle first. An animated picture then popped into my mind of the problems that happened at that age. We tackled it, asked the sub conscious whether it was now dealt with and then moved on to the next problem.

Three big issues were dealt with and overcome. Mainly my self esteem issues and self worth. BUT, the main problem with the violence issues still remained. So, I went for another session, focusing solely on these issues. When I was hypnotised, I got very agitated but was unable to picture any scene in my mind about the violence so this could not be tackled and dealt with. The hypnotist said that I had blanked it out of my mind as it was too painful for me to face.

I am fine with the kids going to places that I deem to be "safe". But, when I know that they will be going to places that I think are unsafe, then for a week beforehand I worry. Strangely though once the day has actually come I find that the anxiety is not as strong.

I also know that I am a perfectionist, there is no grey area, just black and white. Even if I'm tired, I have to get done all the tasks I have set myself or I feel like I have failed.

I am also having problems with feeling safe at home. In this hot weather, when we have had all the windows and doors open, it takes me a good half an hour to check everything is closed before I can go to bed. I also worry madly that I might have left something on that will cause a fire/flood etc and it will all be my fault.

Last week hubby was working afternoons and I was madly trying to achieve all the jobs that I had decided needed doing. I suddenly flipped and started to pull wildly at my hair and then I started punching myself on the arm. This shocked me a lot but strangely made me feel better too. I haven't repeated this though.

So, thats it really. I am just fed up and desperately want to feel better. Just don't have a clue how things will ever change.

Kate x

[andrew]

hi kate,

sorry to read your not doing so well. if the hypno was helping do some more. are you talking to anyone about your feelings? there is value to hearing your own voice especially as you seem to be so open with yourself about whats going on.

tcx .. andrew

[Meg]

Kate,

Its excellent that the changes you did with the hypotherapy are still in place . You respond very well..

Would you consider thinking about a good scenario to use and going back to him again and working with him to overcome these too maybe in a few sessions.

Do the kids have a punchball that you could use to release your frustrations and worries onto next time - Are you still gymming regularly ?

Love
Meg

I can fully understand your safety concerns regarding windows etc

[kate]

Andrew,

No, I have no one to talk to about my feelings. My CPN said that she thought that we needed a break. That was about 2 years ago, haven't heard from her since.

I was needing so much to let it all out, share with someone, thats why I posted here.

Meg, no punchball and no gym anymore either. No one ever wanted to go and it was costing an awful lot of money.

Not really sure whether to go for more hypno still not sure whether it would help for the violence thing.

I seem to have come so far and then come to a full stop, the main anxieties still being here and me still reacting in the same way to them. I can tell myself that it will all be ok but I still get the same automatic feelings of overwhelming panic. I do know that it seems to be tied in with me always feeling responsible for everyone and everything that may happen to them, not sure why though. I also know that when hubby isn't here and I would have to sort out anything that went wrong by myself, then this makes me more anxious too.

I tried to explain all of these feelings to my CPN, to the psychologist and also the psychiatrist, but none of them seemed to understand how my life is run around these anxieties. They all seemed to kind of skim over it and then either tell me to take anti d's (in the case of the psychiatrist) or fill in endless forms on a daily basis, grading my reaction to everyday happenings (in the case of the psychologist). None of this ever addressed the main issues and I was never offered any other form of councelling. In fact, the psychiatrist said that I should be on anti d's and should probably take them for a number of years to try to stop the anxiety and depression returning.

I went looking for further help from my GP last year. She also just offered me anti d's which I again declined as they do not help with my anxiety. She then advised me to go back if I felt that I was going to harm myself.

I really believe that this will be for the rest of my life.

Love Kate x

[alexis]

Hi Kate, it really sounds like things arent brill at the mo, Im sorry, I will leave you a drink in the pub, I know this is a bit of a feeble reply but I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I know how hard it can be,I feel bad because I feel I hadent improved in over a year and cannot imagine how you feel after 16 years so I wont pretend I do, but i am thinking of you Take care xx Love Alexis,x